I'm not sad.

The thing about me is, I say I don't understand myself but I do, I really freaking do. I just don't understand how I know why I'm being the way I am but not doing anything to fix it. Or maybe deep inside, this is what I really wanna be and how I wanna live my life? Or maybe it's another way of keeping myself guarded from what I know could really crush me.

I once ask how would you rather live: 

to feel nothing at all or to live in pain and heartache; to feel?

The answer was to feel.

Although most ask to be numb, to be heartless, to not feel the suffering, we all know that's not the deal. Because nobody wants to be alive but dead inside. No one wants to live a pointless life. Nobody wants to waste so much time for nothing. And so do I. Last year totally screwed me; mentally and emotionally. It was either live life dead or go through the pain and take it in you. It got me so numb at one point I couldn't care about anything or anyone, literally. People were giving up on me and I couldn't even blame them because I would do the same if I were in their shoes. Pathetic, I thought. And to the start of 2013, nothing excites me. I thought I couldn't be this way forever but I couldn't be happy either so my last hope was the past. By that I mean thinking about all the pain from the past that I could make myself remember and live my days by doing so. It was either that or nothing at all and I was just tired of the blankness in my mind. My creativity level just dropped to the lowest point. I got into a lump of depression I couldn't even let people help me up. I don't care about the past, I don't, even when I talk about it a lot. I don't even want to and I could stop but I choose not to.

Because this is the only way I could feel again; by the pain I make myself go through.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

-riri-