2 years down the drain
3 years down the drain
4 years...wait, she's gone.
I am getting the feeling almost all my post are about the same few reasons but I can't help it, it's always there, it's always the reason. I know they say it's up to me to change but I can't do it alone. I live with the people who turned me this way. How am I to change when every time I try, I get pulled back down to where I started?
I totally lost it. It's like living multiple lives and being everything except myself. It gets so hard at night. I don't get how is it even possible for someone to have their mind completely blank but to feel so much emotions at once; excruciating. I'm completely fine I would say, just a tad bit depress, maybe a bit more than I would know. I catch myself laughing and talking and making jokes to create a happy environment around me at school because I like seeing people laugh, I love how happy people can get, I just love knowing that they're okay with me around even if deep inside there's just nothing left. I wish I could show people how I really feel but I can't and I don't even need to try to. I just don't know how to be so down around people, especially the ones who don't know me. As if I was raised to hide myself, to show what they want to see, anything that would pleased them just so they won't worry. I just don't want anybody's day ruined because of me. I'm okay with it tho.
But then comes a time when they have/need to leave me alone to do what they should whether it's schoolwork or just meeting up with their friends and that's when I am me again. I wonder if anyone had ever noticed, how drastically my face expression would change at that very moment. Or the emptiness in my eyes, and the blankness in my face. It's when I walk behind my friends or when they're eating and talking to each other at recess and I'm just in the middle of it, staring into space. I hear them, but I don't listen. When it starts to get obvious I smile and crack a joke so they'd forget about it and I continue pretending.
But I'm okay.
-riri-
But then comes a time when they have/need to leave me alone to do what they should whether it's schoolwork or just meeting up with their friends and that's when I am me again. I wonder if anyone had ever noticed, how drastically my face expression would change at that very moment. Or the emptiness in my eyes, and the blankness in my face. It's when I walk behind my friends or when they're eating and talking to each other at recess and I'm just in the middle of it, staring into space. I hear them, but I don't listen. When it starts to get obvious I smile and crack a joke so they'd forget about it and I continue pretending.
But I'm okay.
-riri-
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