look at me now.

Thursday 6 June 2013

another phase of letting go.

It has been quite some time since I last updated and to be honest, I have a lot to tell unfortunately it's human nature how forgetful we (I mean me) can get and so I have written all that I've been through or would want to type out here, in a book and few sheets of papers that by my luck, has got sucked into the centre of the earth. So how are you? I mean how am I.

I guess this is getting way too predictable, I let people in, they walk out.
They want to stay, I push them away.

Here goes the typical I - never - knew - we - could - end - up - being - friends - shit & we - used - to - talk crap. In the end it's always farah, she'll always be there standing by me and no matter how badly I wish I could say my best friends mean everything to me and that they've been saving me, I, sadly, can't. It's not 2010 and it never will be the way it was back then ever again. I'll never be that girl, child, student, friend or even the person, I used to be. Countless number of people I've pushed away and hurt in just 6 months. Never knew I could get this way. It used to be me wishing I haven't said or done that to just "whatever". I end up getting too cold and heartless. Not in a way of not caring at all about anything, I mean by not exactly giving a shit about most things but the people or things I keep really close to heart.

Maybe it's me, being too lazy to talk to anyone or maybe I'm just scared that it won't work out the way I want it to tho deep inside I just know, it's neither. It's just I'm really not up to making anyone happy because in the end I'm still the one who causes the most pain so I'd rather be alone. Again things, have changed as always but this time I'm still the same. More friendships come to an end and I don't even know why I still bother. Maybe everything is, my fault. For being me. I used to be so good at this but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm living in reality. Or maybe not. I want to get better but I have a feeling I never will. I'm not ready to live this way for all my life. Oh shit.

-riri-

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