care you shall not.

I know they worry I know they care,
there's just nothing I can do about it.
I've tried, I've failed.

Don't I want to be happy? I do and I am, at least I think I am. Maybe it's true how much I've changed and how contented I can never be. I gave everyone my all and they took it all away and left. The remaining were for me to keep: a bit of hope faith and the belief of how someday someone will come and they'd stay. If I let this go now, what will I be left with? Exactly. You know what's shit? After the person you trust your life with, decides to leave you, someone new comes and they try so hard to get you to let them in and when you do, they would do anything to make you trust them and make you believe how real it is but in the end, it's just another joke. They played you like a game and your trust was nothing to them.

I can't afford to end up that way again.

I can't bear losing myself and having to pick up all the broken pieces, glue it all back together just to get it smashed again. I can't. I just can't.

I find myself being a burden to everyone. And all I am doing is bringing them down with me. I can't be that selfish. I know everyone's trying to help and I do appreciate the positive vibe they're trying to make me feel but how can it last when I'm living in such a negative environment? I keep picking myself up just to fall back again, it's like putting my hopes up despite knowing how it'll bring nothing more to me but disappointment.

I don't think anyone needs to care about me. I want them to but I know how it ends, I'll be too much to handle and they'll give up. And I don't want to make myself think that people would actually stay when I know they won't. I can't let myself believe in all the good things that will always be here even when I do because I know I'll be the cause of its lost. I have always been insecure and it's getting even worst. I'm not even talking about the way I look or how I compete with everyone I see. I'm insecure about what I know about myself and how people soon will see me the way I see myself. I don't want anyone to leave but I don't want to drag them down to the sorrow pit I have set my mind to live in.

And I ask the same questions repeatedly, I tell them they can do better, I tell them of all the reasons why they shouldn't stick around and I realised I'm just pushing them away. But what I hate the most is when I finally settle down, when they've been putting up with my shit long enough for me to finally feel secure, that's when they find it easy and like a good thing, alright to leave. So back to square one I go. I know it's annoying to be with someone who's sad almost all the time who gets too clingy at one point that it seems ridiculous but I've been here before and it wasn't easy. See, I'm just so hopelessly stuck between opening up to people to start fresh and isolating myself so I wouldn't have to make people rack their brains out to fix me just because they care or of pity.

So don't care about me. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't think about me, don't nothing. Because I'm a waste of your time and it's pathetic.

-riri-