i wouldn't want to fall.

But if I do, catch me.

In every start, I would always end up being this way. Because it's never easy to trust people when you've trusted way too many and it goes to waste. I would start cold. I wouldn't stalk you, I wouldn't know how to be sweet, I wouldn't know what to say or even know the existence of jealousy. Then comes another phase:

I push people away, not to save myself but to save them. I'm nice to the people I don't know well, so don't fall for that and don't get mad if I'm not what you imagine me to be when you do get to know me better. Thing is, I'm only complicated with the ones I trust because that would be when I know for sure you can take me as I am. When I'm sure that they won't leave. Even though, they usually do. I don't do sweet talk, I don't say that shit unless I mean it. It takes time. So even if you are to me, I might not be to you but stick with me longer and you'll see. I don't trust people, I can't trust almost everyone so when I trust you, I really do. They would always be doubts but after awhile, I don't think of it anymore. I just need prove.

When I fall for someone I fall hard, so hard it gets me sick. So I avoid that. Just sometimes, some people are just meant to be and feelings just come, I can't stop that. You know what I dread? I dread the day when I let you in and shut the door, you'd prove me wrong. I hate how after awhile I start to care too much, I'd start thinking about you before I sleep or when I wake up or maybe just every moment. I'll get used to the routine, I'll get used to the midnight conversations and the waiting-for-you part. I'll actually put your name in things like my schoolwork or essays or so. I'll be with other people wishing it was you with me. I'll actually get jealous if I see you with other girls and that is when I know I really am falling for you because I'm not the type to be jealous. I'll find comfort in you and after awhile I would think this is it, this is where I feel secure and safe, this is home, with you.

Don't turn me into that if you're planning to leave one day because it's shit to know that I gave you all that I am after so long of staying and being strong, I just let myself lax in your arms but ends up being so vulnerable all over again. I can't risk another step of getting more isolated with the world and everyone in it or around me.

-riri-