my piece of heaven, my lot of hell.

I only restrain myself, to become stable and normal,
to break down at the end of the week and ruin everything.

My sweetheart there, but not enough and I don't have the right to judge. So close but so far away, too far away yet so close. Nothing is as complicated as the sense I make but that's only because I can't make people see the sense in what doesn't make any. My love now too deep but wounded, cracks open for negativity, jealousy, insecurity and anxiety and fear to enter. I'm going down with my mental. To believe you are wide awake and existing gets harder when everything seems like a dream subconsciously telling you that it would end when you believe it will last forever to switch both thoughts back and forth and the hardest part is deciding which to believe. And I know why I am the way I am and I know what triggers me but I could never say because what I say would leave me breathless and alone. What I have in my head would make them leave out of tiredness in compromising with me and the immaturity of how I feel for not letting myself live life as a kid full time when I was one just to be responsible gets me a bit off hand and I become a handful. Some things I can't say because I once said and it either makes no difference which lesson I have learn from or I am tired of repeating myself that I have become so used of "letting it go". I cannot regret the words I've never said but the pain is the same as the things I've done and said. I wish you could understand but you can't. I can't blame anyone because this is not a responsibility or a must, I'm just another face in the crowd you walk pass by. I'm just another familiar face you never bother to study.

It hurts how it is but even more painful to know if I let him go things won't ever be the same. I love him the way he can't see or understand. A mixture of the struggle of making myself feel worth self love by loving others unconditionally and again, far, I'm sorry.

-riri- fr