look at me now.

Monday 15 September 2014

crossing what's left behind.

You were the only to have called me a genius constant enough to have make me believe I was and work up to it but the day you went away, I only heard of how stupid I was or how hard it was to handle me and soon I believed that too, from hopes of becoming a genius I became a dimwit instead. I couldn't bear the thought of how disappointed you would be to see me in such a state and if you've ever even imagined your little talkative bubbly sweetheart would grow up to become what I have made out of her. Maybe that's why you went, so I'd figure out myself. There have been so many days where I didn't ever had a moment where I thought of you, it's never easy to. Somedays when I do, I always end up mirroring myself to what I used to be when you were alive, the pain of how I would see me in your eyes would be inexplicably agonising. At the moment I was writing this, left in my drafts for so long, I realise I was stuck in a never ending maze. As if a piece of puzzle is missing and I'm left baffled.

I had so much to write about back then and going back here, it reminded me of you and how you kept my drawings and writings, my "achievements". I needed to get back on track. I needed to go back to who I was again. I did. And then I stopped. And I did again. Stopped half way just to do it all over again, the cycle never seem to have an end. It never used to be this discouraging. 6 years down the road without you and I'm already on the wrong path out.

-riri-

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