look at me now.

Monday 1 September 2014

to his next girl,

lucky you.

I could tell you a lot by how he feels to how he would show it, to how he would try to hide it and how he feels towards things or what is done to him, to his likes and dislikes and all that he thinks I never noticed or remembers and discovers, but that is for me to know and for you to find out. Besides, there's no good in cheating when it comes to life, or ever anything else. And what I know now, who knows by the time you read this would be what I knew, he could have changed over the past days, weeks, months, or years we would no longer talk to each other or ever encounter again. He would be with you and if he's lucky enough you would know him better, because now you're the one by his side, you're the one he chooses to dedicate his heart to and share more about himself with.

If by the end of this you ask yourself why I ever left after all the things we went through, know that I never did, fate did. Although I wish it didn't. If by the time you finish reading the last sentence you ask yourself, or tell yourself that if someone really wants to be with you, fate couldn't stop it as the effort to be put in was up to us, then know that I tried, and I tried, and after all the times I've been treated like I meant nothing more or been ignored, that I still tried but what the mind think of isn't always what the heart wants. No matter what I say or do to have him back, couldn't have made him change his mind about me. His heart no longer belongs to me, as his hand would soon become someone else's to hold.

If you're planning to leave, if this is just some sort of fling to you or a ticket for you to move on from the guy you dated or had a relationship with before him, one advice from the bottom of my heart, fuck off. You don't fuck around with people for your own advantages. And if you're going to treat him like shit as you expect him to be at your beck and call, forget about it. He's worth more than just that, after all the times he has had his heart broken or faced rejection or get played with and left, have a heart. Don't expect too much from him, he's not some character from a movie, or a fictional "dream guy" from the books you read or those made up moments you find on the internet or networks like tumblr. But he could be that guy, and I promise you if he is yours, all the things he says and do to/for you, is genuinely done sincerely and only for you. You don't have to worry about that part.

He cries, he hurts, but he would never tell you about it. He might never mention it or even show the slightest sign of it but you could tell. If you know him, you could. After all he's your man. You would think he has no emotions for anything, strong guy, fearless, this cool guy who's out going and friendly, you won't miss him in a crowd, you could always spot that face of his, if you want to that is, if he's what you're looking for. Look a bit closer, he's not all that. He is but not just that.

What seems tough on the outside is a slug on the inside. You can throw salt water and watch him go down and break. Sensitive, sentimental, a hopeless romantic with a side that is interested in being bad and rebellious but at the same time has the heart of gold that won't let him. Easily influenced, stands a bit shaky but he would stand up for you, if he knows you, he'd believe you. He'd be there when he can. Never doubt any compliments, he only says it because he means it. His "I love you"s are as true as the look in his eyes when he stares at you. Believe me. Although it never lasts on me, I hope you know that it could on you.

You're going to ask how his day was, because you care. You're going to ask if his friends are alright with him, if things are good between them, because you want to know that he's okay. You're going to ask how his family is doing, because that's everything to him. His mum especially, the one who raised him, she is the heart that keeps his blood pumping, and the oxygen he breathes; she is his life. You're going to ask once in awhile if it's so hard for you to, if he's doing good, if anything's wrong, because he would never tell, you would just know, you have to. You're going to wish him good luck, ask him about his competitions, games, classes, or exams because you want him to keep doing what he loves and be there for him to tell him he can do it and how proud you are of him even if it's just for trying, he needs that kind of support. You're going to treat him right, because he's the only guy you have in your mind and heart, because that's how I would treat him. I hope you treat him better than I ever did, because in the end he chose you.

I have a feeling that you're not even close to who or what I am. You could be by far so much more of a better person. Truthfully, as shallow as this might sound at first I hope you aren't depress or suicidal because I was, I still am and just by that it made me believe I ruined the only thing that gave me a bit of hope, the only thing I bother to take care of. You must have been an angel sent from above or some other cheesy line people would blurt out. Maybe you walk or talk or look the right way, to have gotten his attention. You must have talked confidently or more frequently than I had or could, so share him your stories, take time to talk to him because he likes that. Know that he gets jealous easily, still he would never show, but you could've tell by the way he is. If you could go to his games or practice or anything at all that he's involved with, go. I bet you can go out more frequently than I do. That's one of the things I wish I could've done but never really had the chance to. Don't waste chances to meet/see or talk to him with excuses.

There would be days where he feels unloved and unwanted, random times or the littlest things that could bring him down, there you should remind him what he means to you, how much he is worth and how you love him, he needs that, as he needs you. You'd think he doesn't sulk but he does. If you ever get into a fight/argument with him, no matter how it hurts, remind him, constantly even if he doesn't reply for the next 2 days, that you love him but please only if you mean it, and whenever you miss him, tell it to him straight away no matter what time or in what condition. You don't put things like that on hold. It isn't worth to lose someone you love over what would be so insignificant in the future.

If it wasn't for the feelings he no longer has for me, trust me he would be mine again by now or still be mine, and you wouldn't have existed in his life. That isn't how things are, so why worry, he doesn't love me anymore and he never would again, so love him with all you've got. I bet you're a beautiful person, inside out and he's just as lucky as you are. I hope he makes you happy, and as much as it hurts, I hope you are the reason behind the light and shine in his eyes and the smile he puts on most of the time, because he deserves to be that happy, genuinely happy. He has the cutest laugh and awkward smile, I figured you'd get to see it more often than I do. Maybe it would be hard to notice, but if you take a step back and let time stop for even a minute, I hope you look back and see all the efforts he has put in, the time he has spent and given, the ego he put a side, and all that he has shared with you and only you. I've always did.

You don't know how it's like to keep loving people with all your heart and when finally you think "this time it would last, this would be my last." you screw up just by being you. You lose everything you have worked so fucking hard for. You have to burn every bridge you've ever built and act like it never happened because you know it doesn't matter to anyone else but you anymore. You make a fool out of yourself to get back or keep the people you truly love just to be shoved a side. Everyone who left or you had to leave you'd see with some other girl in their arms and that even if it ends for them, you are still as insignificant to them as you are nothing more than just a fucking phase that they would soon get over and leave behind the back of their mind. I made myself believe we'd be forever, just to see him walk around with another. So love him more than I could ever, if that's possible. It breaks my heart to say, but by the time this happens, he has already loved you more.

I don't know what you would call him, but I hope you don't call him far or farfar because I used to call him that. Not because you can't, but I wouldn't want him to be reminded of the mistake he was once with, he has you now. Take care of him. I hope you really do because if I was given the chance to start where it ended I would do it all over again. I love him, so much, and more than he would ever believe, I told him this once, but still if you came across this and you're his, know that he loves you more.

lucky you.


-riri-

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