starting old.

I guess I should be used to it by now,
with how things around here work but no,
I'm always hoping for it to get better,
waiting for the day things would change.

When I know it would never.

People, not generally speaking really, I mean the closest or at least important to you or you should be significant to. The one you live with or have gone through life with, so and so. "Family zone", they'll care, really care from the core of their hearts and pay attention, when you are either dying or too much of a burden to handle. That's how things are when you never bother to learn or understand the person next to you. Knowing them for long doesn't prove that you do.

Like that one point where I totally have stopped living, when the only thing I was left doing would be breathing. They worried then. Not much of because they want to or just naturally did honestly, even if that's exactly what they have made themselves believe, but rather because it would have affected the things soon to come. Like my future. Or for me, from what I learned, what everyone else thought of it. I never cared much or at least learn to not bother of what would and should never bother to me but to adults it's not the same thing. Everything seem to matter, except for me, for what was real and to me important. Family, understanding and love, that kind of passion and trust. It never occurs to things or people these days. It breaks my heart and aches my bones to think about it.

They think what I have is just another phase, like everything else that affected me so deeply. I don't wake up every day and have the power to decide that today would be different and just like that, like magic, everything would be, so easily. I have to wake up every day if I even sleep- lately I've been having trouble with that again- and plan what I would do the next day or wish I could and try with all the will I have in me to make it happen, only, if I don't have a melt/break down the next day. Everyday is a decision I have to make and a struggle to get through in real life, not the kind of simple life I've long created in my own mind to distract myself from reality.

To them I've now recovered, at least better than I ever was a couple of months before. Lacking knowledge for how it's just the beginning of a new problem. I've caught up a new disease and I can't even point a finger on it not knowing if it's even true or made up in my delusional destructive mind. No one is going to know until it's too late the way it always will be.

The worst part is, in the process of finding out, realising and noticing, is when all strange habits or so-called mood swings and selfish attitude along with the sudden act ups, everyone is ignorant and oblivious to so much that it will soon break me for every time a finger gets pointed at me. I can't handle that, as much as I can't handle explaining what people should already know and get by now.

-riri-