to what & how it all started.

And they asked me,

"Where did we go wrong?"

Often I find myself in need to answer things truthfully but rethink my answers if that maybe, it was selfish, childish or didn't make much sense at all in the end. Then again, maybe I am being me by turning it around to the point where the light would be shine on me of how it wasn't anyone else's fault but my own. Since, of course, we are responsible for the state we are in as to what we feel or do is most probably even if sometimes not, are the way it is by our consent. Although deep inside I knew it wasn't only me even if to me 99% of it was. It started of with my parents, still on going, but I've come to terms with how this has been a game of two and if I wasn't playing along then might I have not become what I am today. What happened or is still occurring and how it has or had affected me is to be put behind for now. 

Second would also be where I was brought up and how or with whom I spend most of my times with. For me I would say it'd be school. I didn't or never really, I supposed after moving 265 km away, hang around much with people my age how normally I know, kids my age would. I never mind much about it until some time later on but I'd rather not explain. If I look back at it, it seems strange how I have been bullied physically, mentally, verbally and one kind I would rather not mention. I wouldn't be proud of getting through any of those phases and "making it" as I assume it's normal to most people as well and how they go through the same so just like everyone else, I'm nothing special and would not really have I dreamed of being more anyhow nowadays. 

People are all the same in this matter. Although I have believe there are good in this world, so never mind me as everything is either in general or contradictory when it comes to the way I think. I never liked the way I was treated by people ever since, but it never bothered me or at least I never took port into letting it. People are insignificant speckles of dust you never would have noticed unless you wanted to anyway.

After awhile I grew and it sort of just snowballed into something new, heavy, and burdening. Still I never let it took control. I learned about people more or what I would prefer to call human actions and existence, I let them in, kick them out, whatever that made sense for when it happened. Again, people- I let them multiply enough into the size of a dust bunny and that was when I should've known I was to get fucked over. It was no deal the first or the second time, soon the third and so on yet still it was bearable but at one point when you are the kind of person I am, giving out every bit of you to everyone and every ounce of trust and innocence you kept in as a kid, to people who were in it to fuck it, you rot from the inside and die at one point on the out. It's always the people you trust- that's the third thing you should look out for, because it's one of the only few things you have control over.

But as to who I am, nothing came out when asked and I swallowed everything like there wasn't ever a lump in my throat stuck there from years before, as if that was so easy it meant exactly nothing at all to me and I continued life as I always did. How I fell into this pit of depression and the countless relapse or recovery didn't matter to them if they were always going to be the reason, I couldn't change if I wasn't able to leave when where I am and what I have to go through everyday is what makes me, but I needed to survive and here I am.

-riri-