twentyfourteen: seventeen.

Flashback sikit jap nak kasi nangis.

There were times, remember, when we said we'd never change and we did. We said we'd stay but left. We said we'd have each others back but were nowhere to be found when the time came. We said we'd call or text if anything was wrong but we stayed silent. We said we'd share stories the way we always do but as days passed by we barely did. We said we'd stay tight but drifted away. We said no problem would be too big or too small to talk about but kept it to ourselves. We said no one was more important but there were always times when we pick someone else over each other. Maybe it was you and that some was me. How we came from what we are and wanted to be to who we promised never to have become. But we're just going to that phase of growing up where we find ourselves rather lost and confuse.

Tapi yknow, in the end no matter what we always find a way to each other. You'll always be in my thoughts. Although I barely ever go to you first to say hello or ask how you are, I always think about it. I know I can't do much to help lately, often, this year I would say the hardest for me to, but I try to. I try find ways to and I can't always do. I've lost that mind I used to have, the kind that worked so well into making things or saying what would make you feel better, smile or laugh the way you do with people other than me I have noticed. I know how it feels like to be you and I know that it isn't like that at all, that you're only able to be the way you are with them because you can never really be who you are 100% to let them know about those moments of sudden sadness and madness. If that is all I am even to you, I am glad I am a part of what seem so fundamental to your life and health.

Remember the things we planned and how we put so much effort into making it work? How now, we don't anymore. And even if I want to, I can't tell if it's just much of a deal to you as it is to me. Not to forget the things we planned for the future and how from the looks of it, things are going it's own way. Sometimes things happen and whatever we plan or hope for doesn't but I will always be here and whether or not times are hard for me, no time is wasted if it means it is to keep you happy. I haven't been very good but I need you to know your absence or presence is none of the reason. I wish you wouldn't go so hard of yourself. It never mattered what you achieved or haven't and didn't, I see only the good that's left in you. Or at least that's what I bother to focus on. I hope one day you do too.

How you see yourself is what you want to make and believe. I don't blame you, I'm not much different but know to so many, you are perfect the way you are and they wish they could be you. You'd think that's only because they don't know you, well I do, and still I think you are beautiful. We don't need everyone to accept our ways anyway. I can't let myself see you throw your life away, I can't bear the thought of you or anyone going down the road I am going. I need you to go on, for you, because god knows you can I believe there is more in life for you than what you think there is left. I do. It doesn't matter, I repeat it doesn't fucking matter whatever anyone else says about you if it's something negative, the kind that doesn't do good to you, even if it's from yourself, because you are beyond that.

I want you take care of yourself. I don't just mean eat healthily and sleep 8 hours a day, I mean be careful with people and who you let in, be careful with your own thoughts and your surroundings. I mean, don't destroy yourself for the sake of everyone else. I will always be here for as long as I can and I love you. Seventeen and you're the only Farah Najwa Ahmad I know and have adored. Happy Birthday Bbmew. Live life while you can, be happy for what you have and think of why you should  appreciate what you don't. Sometimes the things we cannot have are the things that would wreck us if we did and what we have or need to go through are what makes us who we are, whether bad or good that is for you to decide.

We make laughter to stop tears

We don't know where to go from here

We come tired from chasing dreams

With you I swear that nothing's change.

-riri-