September 2nd.
When the feeling wears off, I become aware of my surroundings, I am reminded by my condition, my state of mind, my mistakes, and how I am unable to function the way I once did. It petrifies me to the bones, to wait for such awareness, to be so awake while my body shuts down. I tell myself I need more, I need more, just another or two when I know it hurts to. One debate after another but we let the demons win at one point or the other don't we now? There is an ironic pleasure in pain that I could never put a finger on. It might be of some sort of an ego thing, of how your mind lets you believe getting through one hardship as you ignore another, makes you feel superior, knowing what could hurt or break you can't, as you slowly do inside, as you let yourself die.
When the feeling wears off, I become aware of my surroundings, I am reminded by my condition, my state of mind, my mistakes, and how I am unable to function the way I once did. It petrifies me to the bones, to wait for such awareness, to be so awake while my body shuts down. I tell myself I need more, I need more, just another or two when I know it hurts to. One debate after another but we let the demons win at one point or the other don't we now? There is an ironic pleasure in pain that I could never put a finger on. It might be of some sort of an ego thing, of how your mind lets you believe getting through one hardship as you ignore another, makes you feel superior, knowing what could hurt or break you can't, as you slowly do inside, as you let yourself die.
-riri-
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