i wouldn't change a thing.

28.4.15, 3am thoughts and flashback.

There was a time where I tried not to give out as much effort as I wasn't been given. Slowly so did him. It made me sad to think that maybe, I was the only who in the end, as I often do, becomes the one who wanted this more. Then again it's all about perspective. Maybe he saw me as what I was and I, I didn't put myself in his place when it happened. The changes made him felt the way it made me the day he started talking to me as if it was a chore instead of an interest. I was on the verge of losing him the way he could've lost me. Yet somehow he hadn't lost me completely. 

My mind might have started to shift elsewhere bit by bit but my heart had so much of it anchored down to him and the thoughts of us. It has always been about him to me. I gave in the effort he gave at the beginning of what we had. I needed him to know how much he still means to me. He was as important then as he is now, but more. I wanted that spark back. I'm not at all keen with the idea of starting over with someone new, when all I want is him. 

Craving the warmth in his hello and the love felt at every I love you or the ache in every of your I miss you. I crave every part of him, be it at his worst or when he's dandy on cloud 9. I needed so badly to work my way to build up to be a part of that. I can never really tell why, I wouldn't know myself. As much as things had change, and as often as I wish my feelings would as well at some point, so it wouldn't hurt anymore and I would be able to move on in peace, it never did. I never planned to leave. I only ever wanted to be good enough, I just wanted to deserve the best because that's what he is and I'm going to be the "better" that he deserves. 

However much effort or love I needed to give or show, is worth the smile I see curve on his lips at the end of the day. I'll never get tired of that. I never really had ever got exhausted of him. I can love him more.

-riri-