i wish i can save you.

Who'll save you if I can't? but can I?

I see she keeps it all to herself, she keeps it in without knowing how much it'll kill her slowly inside. I look at her from the side, she's doing her homework, figuring how to do fractions or wtv math shit that's in that book of hers, thinking to myself of how I could help, when I know I can't. I'm not helping, never am. I've been nothing more than an annoying complicated piece of fullashit burden lately. I pity her, for having me.

I fear that one day, she'd end up to be more screwed up than I'll ever be. due to lack of attention, lack of trust. What if her friends end up to be more of a bitch than the ones I've been with before or if she falls in  love with a guy who only wants to take advantage of her, what if things fall apart and I'm not around to tell her how everything will end up being okay? What if she starts hurting herself to pleasure herself just to keep the pain away? She's innocent, bright but naive. Society have gotten uglier, we live in a generation where bad is good and good is about to go through the same path as dinosaurs; extinct. How will I ever look out for her when I can't even get myself straight. I see her smiles and laughs, bliss, but then her eyes, it tells a different story. I've never actually been there for her, I've never actually listen. I wish I can save her but how could I when I'm the one who needs to be saved? When I'm the one who's bringing her down, making her believe less-in everything. Now I understand how my brother felt when I was growing up, having bad influence as friends and being too young with so many boyfriends. He worries about me. Worries of who I might become. I also worry if this girl becomes what my brother was so afraid of me becoming but, we learn from mistakes & I hope that she does too. I hope she takes care of herself the way I have never did to myself.

 If I were able to, I would. I'm trying, I swear just, it's hard to change when you don't want to. I'll try to be there, I don't wanna end up creating a junior 'me'. She deserves better, she still could fix what I couldn't. 

yours truly, riri.