hidden graveyard.

I refuse to go to another session knowing I can't get my words right. Why is it that my head screams relapse at the most inconvenient timing, it comes loudly knocking; my head throbs from the pressure it puts, I just want to let it in. I've been dying to.

Ironically a losing battle feels like victory when I am exceedingly craving for it to destroy me. It aches my head to keep attempting to save myself for everyone else because doing it for me, never lasts. Said don't step back, don't look, don't go, but we always do and I'll always want to even when I don't.

Who am I holding on for, keep telling yourself to let go but I've been a baggage of inconvenience for too long, the sort of burden everybody wishes they could just throw out. I kind of just want to throw up.

Screamed who the fuck are you, asked why you're alive, those days, moments, nights you died to live and live to die, the nights and mornings where you were alone, often, you said tomorrow it'll be better, today will be fine, lying each time. Everybody dies. Everybody goes. Especially those who promises otherwise and I swear I swear I wouldn't have had if I were them. I swear I would've been there.

Yet I've failed to even save myself. Sometimes I wonder why nobody ever tried, or ever dared. I keep believing maybe someone wouldn't lie but they all do in the end not knowing why. It still breaks me each time. I wonder how they never felt the same. How they seem to lose their hearts in the end.

You act like you've never been there, you talk like you have and we're left misplaced, trifling. Some days I look back at her, god I would hug me if I could yet petrified I might just kill instead. Isn't that what everybody does? Isn't it what we do best?

I've always known though,
how it is to be alone.
The way I'm meant to.
The way I always do.

Jaded from deciding.

Tomorrow don't wake me up.

-riri-