i'm messed up i know.

I find it hard to believe, that this, is actually happening.

This feeling, it comes and goes but it's always there even when it seems like it isn't. I feel like all this is just another act and we act it good. Who am I trying to kid, lying to myself. No matter how much I try and tell myself that this is real I keep ending up thinking that he, he's just another stranger that I live with and pretend to love. I find it hard to believe that he's even my dad. I know he loves me but why is it that deep down inside I feel like he wishes it wasn't me that my mum gave birth to. Sometimes it's just obvious. It's obvious that I'm growing up to be someone he wishes that I wasn't but that's just me. This is just who I wanna be. Why is it that I feel so useless at times like this, I feel as if people love me because they have to not because they want to. It's sad, just so sad. I can't be perfect and I know I'm not the kind of kid who would do anything to make their dad proud, I'm just not. I'm useless, unwanted. I'm not a good kid. I don't know why myself. Is this even normal? Is it normal for me to feel okay if my dad's not here with me, is it normal for me to even think that his life is better without me? Or to think that things won't change even if he leaves?

desperate for help, riri.