to: the you i no longer could relate to.

Maybe he's just as messed up as I am.

Maybe he wants to fall back in love.

Maybe he never wanted us to be this way.

Maybe he still feels what I feel.

or maybe not.

So how do I start, where can I?

Dear you, you that was once my world and surprisingly still apart of it, I can't tell you how I feel reason being I don't even know what I feel. Close to three years and the feeling is still there. The day you left, you took me away with you. Me as in everything I ever was and everything you made me. I took things as there are, I moved on. Yes, moved on as in accepting the fact that you weren't mine anymore, that I'll be seeing you dating with other girls and not have the right to be jealous. I made myself think positively that you never have left, that you would always be there for me if I needed you like you said you would though it would never be the same. I had a couple more relationships but none felt the same. I remember my brother dedicating Adele's Someone Like You to me but I never found anyone like you, maybe I've found better but deep inside all I wanted was you.

It boggles my mind how and why we fell apart. I remember trying my best to make you feel loved because you were, you still are. I never once cheated and I turn down guys all the time. I avoid doing anything that could make you jealous, I never wanna hurt you I thought. In my head things were going perfectly. When it wasn't, I tried thinking like a guy just so I would understand what you're going through. Years after, reading back at our conversations, I realised how immature I was and you were right on how we were talking about the same old boring things but you never shared much about yourself and I was still learning. See, you changed me, you made me understand more, I learned from my mistakes when I was with you because I dreaded the thought of you one day getting sick of me. You just meant that much to me.

You don't know how much you've helped me although to you, you never did much. Maybe because at the moment, I was growing, immature and confused, beaten up and weak as my world came crumbling down you saved me. I might not mean much to you but you meant everything to me. No one got or could even relate to why I was so head over heels for you. They couldn't fathom why you when I could find better. And tbh, the day you left, was the day I, in a way gave up on myself. You were the light at the end of my dark tunnel life. I never thought you would have such an impact on me, it never crossed my mind that you would be that much of my an influence to my life.

That's just me though. I'm the only one who feels so. Sometimes I just despise myself for feeling too much, for remembering, for everything.

Can you believe how much I cherished life before this? I couldn't even say. I could say that I've gotten too screwed up that I could actually delete things from my memories or just block them out and not letting a single piece of it lingers in my mind. I could walk in and out of people's life without a single feeling of guilt that at times I don't even bother what's wrong or right. You know what's the biggest joke of all? I can forget everything but never you or anything that we've been through and I'm not just saying, I mean every word. But you know, life, yeah this is life, 'the life'. I fear that our path would never cross ever again but even if it does, this is all that we'd be. Maybe the thought of rebuilding what we burnt down has once or twice maybe even more, spark out of a sudden in us but the guilt and pain and everything we said and promised we would never become pulls us back to where we are now.

I can never be what you were once to me. And today proved it. I can never look at myself and find myself beautiful no matter how much I love myself because all that I am is none other than the things nobody needs. A wreck, awkward and boring, mentally deranged at times and emotionally unstable, I'm a zombie; I don't know how to communicate right, I can't get through you; I don't know what you like or love, I'm an embarrassment, I don't know how to make things better, I only break them, I'm a complete waste of time,money and air with a body full of scars. Who would and could ever love me, not when they get to know me better, never. See I even get easily distracted; I forgot what my point of writing this in the first place was even.

After making you wait, after falling on my own two feet, I'd no longer appear where you don't want me too and I know you'd never find me anyway.

I end up back to where you left me. I don't lie about things like this. I end up wanting and believing that we would go back to our little fairytale. I can hide how I feel I just can't ever hide how I feel about people. I did that once and regretted it. I'd rather face the truth and hurt myself than to die knowing I never said or did what I've always wanted to. I would understand though. I've shut myself and shoved everyone else out. Maybe one day I'd wake up and things would go differently, finally my way maybe, however I doubt that it would ever. And I know one day if it's true that we'd never be an 'us' once again, I'd laugh at myself while reading this, feeling so embarrass but still it doesn't changed the question that maybe just maybe one day you'd wake up and let me in.

 Until we meet again, if we ever meet again.

yours truly, riri.