never useless.

There was that one time, that one period, I couldn't remember what month or year it was. Or for how long. But we were both sad. I was so sad. "Sad" so much simplicity, so straight to the point but sufficient enough on explaining it all. It sounds so trivial if to be chose between the word depress. Those days felt like forever, although every day came and went so rapidly. We only had each other.

But to be honest, I only had her. I didn't have a laptop then, I never did had one. The ones we had for family usage was always kept for reasons. All I ever had was my lousy but trustworthy Nokia- can't even do much. It was all in the call. But god, little things like these saved my life. It's those times in your life you just know how literally alone you are and that not even family cares for you as much as every other person who convinced you that they do. Those times when I swear, no one dreams of being on your side but so few. If you're lucky. Maybe one, two, or none. To think without even knowing, people still have the nerve and heart to judge and condemn you. For every person that degraded me and looked down on me, god forbids such things to come around and happen to you or your family. There was never a part of me, that wish any of these upon anyone else but later on there was this tiny spot in me that cursed them, knowing it could and it will.

If you're reading this, remember when you stayed awake fearing I'd commit suicide? Remember how hard you tried to make me happy as I did the same, remember how it was just us? Those days when we believed despite whatever obstacles that we were going to have to face, we'd keep each other in mind and keep going. We were each other's only reason. It was chaotic, the state I was in and the people I had to be with and to you it was just disheartening. We were so young and hopeless living in such a dysfunctional environment, but nobody knew. I had your back as you had mine when you were able. It was as if we were the only family we had. People don't know shit and they didn't bothered.

Those night you stayed awake for me, and the days I woke up for you. God, remember the dreams and plans we had. I had it all figured out. I had us settled down for the future, that was what I'd thought. Till things started happening more frequently and I kept getting into trouble or shoved around, having to clear things up on my own and they ruined me. The way it broke what we had, all our dreams our plans, I got lost and confuse and that being said, so did you. I was able to carry the both of us at one point, the next second I couldn't even pick myself up and I'm sorry. I'm sorry we're this way now and I'm sorry things got worse and we're left forlorn, pointless and wrecked.

Do you remember accompanying me on skype. Without being able to video call, we'd put our phones on loudspeaker placing it near our heads. We talked and talked until next thing I knew I woke up and it was already the next day. Remember that? You stayed to make sure I did, we knew what would've happen if you hadn't. I have you to thank for that. You were my reason to live.

-riri-