january 1st 2k15.

But I don't care how sad I get
I don't care how dangerous it is
I don't care how it freaks me out
or how much it makes me feel like shit

As long as I got through it alone
As long as I know when to draw the line
Or to not drag anyone along
To cause him to find out
I'd be fine.

I can't handle the guilt of hurting someone over this
I can't stand the need to want someone to want to be there
To let people down by proving how much they can't even do much
To realise nobody needs this thing, or such a person in their life
and to hurt him by being so.

I don't mind the nights I've got to go through alone when to me no one deserves to stay up for people like me and I'm convinced I don't need them to, or how I get anxious and insecure so often at random moments for no reason or triggered by the simplest most trivial things lately, and for my sudden emotional breakdowns in the busy hours, when everyone else is living life going through it normally, when I'm more worried he'd fall into the same place as I'm in. I'd go through anything and still manage to pull myself together to give the ones I love the very best of me, in hopes they'd never feel the way I've felt or still feel. I don't wish this upon anyone. I need him to stay the way he is, always, not for me but for him. Even when I find myself being a hypocritical paradox for it.

I'm in denial.
But god, save him.

-riri-