""the problem"".

They tell me I have a problem.
Then convinced me that I'm the problem.
Whether it's one of those or both at once,
they never seem to help me get over any.

Even if they did, they never really do. I don't get it. They ask me to change and I've been trying but I find it hard, and I don't think that I could or if I would. If I'm even ready to. It hit me just now, why do they even demand such from me? Why must I be the only one to change? They say every problem must have its reason to it and in my logic, if I were the problem, wouldn't it make sense if maybe they were the reason? So why bother asking for what I cannot give. If they wanted me to change they should change with me. Do I sound selfish? But they're just as self centred as I am to be asking for what they, themselves would not give out.

"What's your problem" they would yell asking.

"Everything" I'd whisper in my head.

I don't think I'm scared to admit so. It's just, I find it hard to explain if they question "why" after each of my answers. Maybe if they had listened to me sooner, maybe when I was younger tried to make me open up to them; gain my trust, maybe then it would be easier. It's too late for that. I've gone through so much secretly without them ever being there for me. They say I have an attitude problem. I guess I do, but, at the same time I don't. They only say that to whenever I react negatively on what they want me to be positive on. Don't I have a say in anything? Maybe they're just too caught up in society's definition of a "successful life", and I get that they want so for me. Though what's the use of being successful, getting a good job and shit if you're not happy about it? I think living life to the fullest is when you love what you do and do what you love with the people whom you love. If it is not it, then I'd rather die than live exactly the same way.

They say if I wanted help, I should've asked for help. How could I ever have the urge to when I know that I'd end up back as another "burden". Even if they say I'm not, I'll always think that I am. Because I've been through this before. I've opened up once and it totally backfired on me. Everything I do usually ends that way. I guess it sorta broke my heart to the point that I'm scared to ever try again. Though if they really do care the way they say they do, why not get a therapist or psychologist to talk to me instead. Yeah, I don't think so because it costs a lot and money's always the problem but so am I? Do you get it? I don't. It doesn't make sense.

In conclusion I believe, that no one really does care until it has something to do with them. As long as their happy, supposedly I should be. Supposedly I should make them, saying it's for my own good but to me, what good does it make if it only ends up bringing me down? I noticed how it never really matters much until you lose it and losing it means they'd lose just as much. It's like living for other people's benefit, it's shit.

-riri-

deleted.

Who knew all that I promised I'd never forget, I never did remember.

So I went through all my post from 2010, 2011 and so on. I have decided to delete most of it. I must say there were some that made me laugh reminding me of how silly I was back then, and some that I couldn't handle to read. I said once, a couple years back that I would keep all of them, even the ones with bad grammar and broken english, because it would remind me of who I am and where I came from; how it all started and how I would end up to be. But I don't know, I don't think I want it all anymore. I don't want the memories. Maybe I'd regret this one day or maybe I'd thanked myself. Whatever it is, I just want to get it over with.

11/11/10
16/11/10
17/11/10
29/12/10

I was just so full of life back then.
What actually happened?

-riri-

confusion.

Everything is just as hopeless as I am.

I hate how hopeless I am.

I probably hate everything.

 Have you ever just wanted so badly to be alone but at the same time you know you don't? You just want to be understood or at least feel wanted but still, you push people away demanding for some time and space for yourself when you just wish they'd stay? But they don't, because they're afraid of annoying you and you feel like you don't have the right to ask them to stay either because you know you're going to end up treating them like shit and you care enough to not want to put them in that situation. In the end you're all alone. This is what guilt does and you can't blame anyone because you're the only thing that's holding you back. It's a never ending cycle. No one, no one would ever go that far to be with you. And again, you can't blame them.

-riri-

what a beast.

Deep inside of me I know I was born for a purpose,
Though I have always have it in mind that I exist,
to destroy things.

I'm here to show how fragile and egoistic humans can be. How everything at one point is meant to fall apart to realised they are better of as one and how obstacles are everywhere, lose to it or get through it. I walk into people's live to either show how much one can do so much for love and not mean a single shit in the end or how someone can mean so much to you but you might not mean as much to the person. I am what seems so beautiful at first which grows horrid and rotten and broken inside. I am that beautiful view of flowers that mesmerises you to end up disheartening you with the fact that I won't last, that when I wilt, so will my beauty and the beast will finally rise and that is when you see how nothing is as it seems. That I am not what anyone wants.

I am nothing more but something you have to learn to get through, like a phase. Yes I am just a phase. A phase you wish you didn't have to go through, a phase you would cursed and swear at for making your life so hard and for hurting you so much. Little would you know that without this phase, you wouldn't be who you are today and yet I am to blame. When in the end I will be left the loneliest and again, with no one but myself to blame.

I am the student who made you work twice as hard. The daughter you wish you never had. The friend you thought you knew. The love you wish would last. Above all, I am what I wish I would never be. With me things either end or break. So I distant myself from everyone. I hate people I would say when, I just hate how I might end up making them feel. I can't control the things I say and feel at times and it kills. I have always been in the middle, of everything and everyone and I don't think anyone could ever understand how much I want to change but can't even if I wanted to. I don't deserve to stick around or to have people staying by my side. Though I have realised the only one person I would always have around would be the person whom reflects me.

-riri-

wilt.

sick & in need of getting better,
rotting outside,
dying inside.

they say I've gotten thinner,
how can I not when I no longer have my appetite?

-riri-

7t2.

7:41 p.m
Thursday
20 June 2013.

Rocketeer playing in the background.

Do you remember?

His favourite kicks,

over his favourite type of jeans; skinny.

Shirt button up from the first to the last, sleeves all folded.

And I smiled, seeing him smile.

He might not remember, but I always will.

But that was then and this is now.

So far away though he's always been here somehow.

Memories. All I can never forget.

The time when life had no regrets.

I wonder, if he ever remembers.

-riri-

Phillip

I am in love with the emotion, 

the movement, the beauty.

-riri-

lonely.

Since the day you went away,
Something inside of me died with it.
It took a while to find happiness once again
But it left, just like you
And from that day on I just,

Felt so lonely.
I am just so,

lonely.
I just, can't, I don't know how to,
beat the feeling as it slowly tears me,
apart.

-riri-

maybe,

maybe I should stop telling people I love them.
maybe I should stop giving people hope that I'll get better.
maybe I should just stop getting into other people's lives.
maybe I should just detach myself from everyone.
maybe, I will.

-riri-

excuse.

It isn't fair to be the only one who feels so much for someone who doesn't feel the same way. To put in so much effort into something that might not even be real to the other person. To stay when it's better to leave. To care for the one who won't ever realised it, to be so kind to someone whom you know is bound to hurt you. You can't help it can you? Because you've fallen in too deep and you don't want to get back up.

He distracts me from myself, my emotions, the pain

and I don't know whether it's a good thing or if I'm using him.

I don't get myself, how and since when did I get so cold?

And thinking back of all the people I've damaged, I don't deserve this;

I don't deserve anything. Whatever that make things better, I don't deserve it.

Or maybe I'm just not ready, to be attach again, to have someone who I know would always be by my side because I know I'm barely even there for myself. For all the things I've done and went through, all the things I couldn't tell people about because I myself don't want to be reminded of it. Though it screams inside to be let out, I keep it in. Because I've gotten so low nothing is worth believing. Everything I thought I knew, everyone who said it'll be okay, proved me wrong. Two years and a half has passed and all my countless "I'm gonna change" shit is still as worthless as the first time I said it. Since then not a single person has walked into my life and made me think that this time it's different, this person can actually help me find myself again without even trying but no, I don't believe there ever will be that person. And I don't believe that I even exist anymore, myself. I feel like I'm slowly disappearing in the background of everyone's happiness. Slowly walking backwards to a door of extinction and there, I can no longer come back. I no longer have even the slightest of hope of getting through and I am stuck at where I left myself.

-riri-

i'm sorry.

I apologise for everything I am and all that I'm not.

I'm sorry for all the things you've done for me that I might not ever be able to do for you. All the good morning and good night wishes you say, with so much feelings and meanings that I, reply with just the way I know I should. I'm sorry I don't call you cute names, I don't want to call you what I've used once on someone else. I know I don't have much to say and I'm sorry, I've just said too much in the past that I'm left with nothing. I can't think of anything sweet to say I actually mean and I'm sorry if I don't make you feel special, I don't know how to anymore and I'm not the kind to reuse all the things I've said to each of my ex(s) back to you. Because I find it impossible to feel the same way because we're all different people with different characteristics and specialty. And I'm not gonna put you on the same level of any of them. I'm sorry you came into my life at times like this; times where I have nothing left; times when I've already lost myself. I'm sorry I'm so sad and the happiness I bring won't last long.

I'm sorry if I reply you late. I'm sorry you have to put up with me. I'm sorry I don't believe in almost anything anymore and I'd probably push you away because in my head one day you'll get tired and I'm waiting for the day where you'll leave and I am sorry for that. I'm even more sorry that I don't trust myself; I'm sorry if one day I might be the one to leave. I'm sorry you try to make me happy but can't. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like I don't love you. I'm sorry I don't know how to be around people anymore and I'm sorry how I forgot how it's like to actually be in a relationship or to be a "girlfriend". I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like I could be happier with someone else by the way I talk to other guys. I'm sorry I'm just sad with the people I'm comfortable with because it's the only place I can be my depress self. And I'm sorry we can't meet much, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not putting any effort at all.

And I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I don't care because I don't know how to or how to show that I do because I just, sometimes, have moments where I don't care about anything and anyone especially myself. I'm sorry sometimes I get so cold and I just want to get away from everyone. I'm sorry sometimes I'm unsure of how I feel. I'm sorry sometimes the feeling suddenly disappear and I get sick of myself and I'm sorry how sometimes I forget how I feel about you, that I don't even know what I feel because, I just don't feel. I'm sorry I have my moments where I ignore you or everyone around. I'm sorry you might just love me more than I could love you or even myself. I'm sorry that I wish you would leave because you deserve so much better and all that I'm gonna bring is heartache and that I might never feel content because I've gotten to that point where nothing could help me because I'm just too depress.

I'm also sorry, you had to read this.

-riri-

damned.

I no longer feel butterflies

I no longer get excited over the things I should get excited of,

I overreact on the little things instead.

I don't feel contented.

I don't feel worth it.

I feel bad for the ones who love and care for me,

because it's just another waste of time.

Sadly, because I might feel the same, just not as much.

-riri-

remember when?

Although I don't remember much of things,
I would always remember this.

I look back for fun, I look back for stories, I look back for entertainment. I just look back yknow? It's the only thing left I could do to feel. I go back to it sometimes, just to live back the life I've lost, to remind myself of who I am so maybe, just maybe, I wish so much that I could turn back into that person I once was.

I remember a time where I actually started to like going to school, just to meet my friends. They weren't just any kind of friends, they made me feel contented. I have never felt how it was really like to be able to be myself and feel happy about it before they came into my life. It showed me how beautiful friendship can be, and now, I see it in a cliche kind of flashback where our hair's flowing in the air as we laugh and hit each other and the tears streaming down our cheeks talking about our problems. Whenever we have something in my mind, we would just blurt it out. No secrets, nothing. But it all went down the drain.

I remember when, the one person I could say whom was the epitome of my happiness walked in, and how it all faded into thin air. I remember the late night calls, I remember the cute things that were said. I remember people being there for me. I remember how friendly I was and how talkative I could be. How life meant a whole lot more and how I lived it. I remember going on outings and the family bonding we had all together. I remember going on trips and having fun and messing around with each other. I remember who was there when I had no one else. I remember the deeper conversations and how it all meant to me. I remember how it was like to feel contented and loved and actually believed all of it would last; that it was all true. I believed, I had hope. I remember the things we did that got me in so much trouble but I couldn't care less because it was all worth it. They were worth it. They were my life, my everything. I remember how we talked about guys and how we had sleepovers. I remember cheer comp when I first met froggy. I remember when I would go to him or them for anything no matter how silly the matter was.

The nights I couldn't sleep with someone to talk to. The skype calls we had until my parents woke up. The random plans of going out. The stupid jokes and the stupid things we do. The promises. The hugs and the separation. The joy in our faces, the eyes that once shine full of life. The, everything.

I didn't mention who, but it all got my head full of faces and memories of all the people and things I no longer have. And I go back to looking at myself, empty.

-riri-

could've, should've, walked away.

I don't know why he's with me
I only brought him trouble since the day he met me
If I was him, by now I would have left me
I would have walked away
But now I've broken away
Somehow instead he forgave me
He said a guy's got to do what he's got to do
Even if it means he denied himself the truth
Cause when you're in too deep you wake up when it's too late,
You've fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
'Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe
'Cause if you're looking for heaven, baby it sure as hell ain't me

So walk away
Walk away,
Save yourself from the heartache, oh
Go now before it's too late
But still he stays

He's standing in the heart of darkness
Saying I know you got a soul even though you're heartless
How could any man in their right mind be so blind,
To find something this safe
Instead of walking with me he should have walked away

He finds colour in the darkest places
He finds beauty in the saddest of faces
For such a clued in, headstrong city guy
Could've had the world but he's fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
'Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe
'Cause if you're looking for heaven, baby it sure as hell ain't me

 A bit of The Script's Walk Away lyrics changed.
It just perfectly describe how I am with farfar.

-riri-

it is what it is.

"What's your problem?"  they asked.

"Everything" I'd answer

"Like what?"

"Like me."

-riri-

never ending.

1 year down the drain
2 years down the drain
3 years down the drain
4 years...wait, she's gone.

I am getting the feeling almost all my post are about the same few reasons but I can't help it, it's always there, it's always the reason. I know they say it's up to me to change but I can't do it alone. I live with the people who turned me this way. How am I to change when every time I try, I get pulled back down to where I started?

I totally lost it. It's like living multiple lives and being everything except myself. It gets so hard at night. I don't get how is it even possible for someone to have their mind completely blank but to feel so much emotions at once; excruciating. I'm completely fine I would say, just a tad bit depress, maybe a bit more than I would know. I catch myself laughing and talking and making jokes to create a happy environment around me at school because I like seeing people laugh, I love how happy people can get, I just love knowing that they're okay with me around even if deep inside there's just nothing left. I wish I could show people how I really feel but I can't and I don't even need to try to. I just don't know how to be so down around people, especially the ones who don't know me. As if I was raised to hide myself, to show what they want to see, anything that would pleased them just so they won't worry. I just don't want anybody's day ruined because of me. I'm okay with it tho.

But then comes a time when they have/need to leave me alone to do what they should whether it's schoolwork or just meeting up with their friends and that's when I am me again. I wonder if anyone had ever noticed, how drastically my face expression would change at that very moment. Or the emptiness in my eyes, and the blankness in my face. It's when I walk behind my friends or when they're eating and talking to each other at recess and I'm just in the middle of it, staring into space. I hear them, but I don't listen. When it starts to get obvious I smile and crack a joke so they'd forget about it and I continue pretending.
But I'm okay.

-riri-

how do i stop?

I just woke up,
Still sick,
With him on my mind.

God, I can't be doing this to people. I can't be pushing them away thinking they need & deserve better, one day, just to realised I need them in my life, the other. However what kills me more inside would be on how I feel for myself when I'm around them. By that I mean how much I find that they don't need me, because I don't want them to even when I wish they would. I just don't want anyone to have to make their life even more difficult by having to put up with me. Especially not the ones who already had an easy life before me, or those who were already happy initially. No matter what people say I would always hate how it gives me the feeling that I'm just another stubborn forever-sad burden to them that, won't ever listen to any advises given when deep inside I have always tried and failed endlessly. I guess I just stop being the one who goes to people for help, I'd rather be the person whom people go to than the other way around. And I know what turned me that way. When you've been called a burden almost constantly before, by such an important family member, you have this idea in your head that even if your family finds you as a burden, why wouldn't anyone else? And so, another insecure shit was born.

I know it brought me to being this: a person who barely trust anyone anymore. And I can't let go of being this way. I just wished people didn't blame me for it. Or maybe it is my fault for letting things happen to me, for being so naive? But I've always find it better to be hurt than to hurt others. Another obvious reason why I don't let anyone in. It might hurt them at first, but it saves them from an everlasting pain with me. There's a difference between people who really care about me and those who tells me they care - those who I've trust and let in into my life, and the ones I can't ever really give myself to. Or maybe it's those who have went through so much with me and have seen me hurt or have been there for me when no one was around, are the ones who really care. It's them who were there through the phases I went through in life that I stick to and new people, those who came when my life was a bit calmer than it ever was, I find a bit hard to let in.

When I hurt, so does the people who care about me and when they do, they try to help me, but they can't. It hurts them to see me hurting even more knowing they can't do much to help. Which also means I've already killed two birds with one stone when they get hurt seeing me hurt which hurts me more and when trying to fix me fails they hurt knowing they can't help and it hurts me how because of me hurting, I end up making them hurt as well. And last but not least, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt one of the nicest guys I have ever known. I don't want to be the reason he turns into most of the people I've known; the ones I've damaged, hurt and destroyed. Just sometimes, I can't help myself.

All this cold shoulder treatment with the ignoring people part and making them confuse of how I really feel about them or even myself, made me realised that I've just turned exactly into the person once known as mine, someone I used to try to understand but failed,

damn.

-riri-

a bit of persistence.

I guess they're starting to get worried, of me not eating
They think I'm on a diet. Then their mentality of "diet" is crap
I just, really, don't have the appetite to eat. Sometimes I do
but when I do, I don't. If that makes sense.

I keep myself lock up in my room. I try to study but I don't. I don't even know what I do but time past just as fast. I get hungry so I go to the kitchen, take a look at food and get sick. The first bite fills me up, if I chew on more I might just vomit it all back out. So basically this is my daily routine.

There are random moments that makes me a bit happier tho. It's the little things. Like this evening, I was so tired and sick I fell asleep and woke up to my brother handing me food. "I'm not hungry", I told him. "No no, eat this, it's good for you. You have to eat!", he said and he didn't leave the room until he saw me eating it. I wouldn't, but, he made it for me, how could I say no? It felt nice, it's always nice when someone shows you that they care. I don't eat or get out of my room much but sometimes I do, when people ask me to, just to have me around. It makes me feel like my presence mean something. Like how my brother would ask me to accompany him eating because he doesn't like to eat alone and I would, because if I didn't then he wouldn't eat. Sometimes he would ask me to join him eat and I'd refuse, sometimes he would push me to eat I guess because it's nicer to eat with a person than to just be accompanied by one so I would end up eating.

Sometimes I like it when people force me to eat or tell me to do things for my own good in a way that shows how they care sincerely. Maybe I just, we all do, love to be noticed.

-riri-

wrong idea.

"People don't understand"

"How can anybody understand you when you don't tell anyone what's wrong?"

No, it's not it. I'm not talking about just anybody. I don't care about anyone else or the people I know nothing about. I don't care if the whole world doesn't try to understand. By people, I mean the ones who should, the ones I try to make understand, the ones that are close to me, the ones that should be there for me, the ones who tell me I can count on them, the ones I call family or friends, or just simply, the ones I trust. Sometimes even, the ones who turned me down, who brought me here, to being the person I am today, the one I wish didn't exist.

-riri-

feel me.

I sometimes can understand how people feel without them even telling me or with help of even just a little hint of information they manage to fill me in with but no one has ever been able to understand me fully, like a book carefully analysed from each line to each page. Well I shouldn't expect them to. Maybe I'm a bit gifted, with a curse able to cure others. It's ironic, because I hate mostly, maybe even everyone. Maybe reason being that I myself find it hard to express what I have inside by talking about it especially when it comes to talking about my actual feelings so I know how it's like for people who have the tendency to jumble up their words or sentences when they're talking about theirs.

I used to be so good at talking until one day, something hit me that I'm better off with my mouth shut. I was never good at talking since then. I can never talk about myself or my life and the past without getting teary, at times even end up crying. Shows just how important communication is. Because it's just that hard for me to do so. Instead, I write it all out. No voice, eye contact or even facial expressions required.

It gets lonely sometimes, to feel like you're the only one left in the world. No one would waste their time to understand. To most people, what I say, think, or how I see things are either preposterous or just utter bullshit. I don't mean to burden or disappoint anyone by being the way I am, I never planned to grow up that way. I just really, can't help it. So I constantly get mistaken for being self-centred and as they say, too full of myself. It's like the empathy I have for people is useless, it ends this way anyway. I guess no one ever had the thought of putting themselves in my place for once, ever crossing their minds.

Too young to be depress they would say.

Neglecting the fact that it isn't much about the physical things I have to go through in life. It's the mental and emotional torture they put me through. After all, they wouldn't understand because they're too blind or maybe selfish enough to not notice how they're the reason behind it.

No one would understand.

-riri-

with me.

And when I feel alone, I imagine you here with me
Holding me, hugging me tightly,
Because I know you want to be there,
Even when I myself would rather not be there,
With me.

-riri-

care you shall not.

I know they worry I know they care,
there's just nothing I can do about it.
I've tried, I've failed.

Don't I want to be happy? I do and I am, at least I think I am. Maybe it's true how much I've changed and how contented I can never be. I gave everyone my all and they took it all away and left. The remaining were for me to keep: a bit of hope faith and the belief of how someday someone will come and they'd stay. If I let this go now, what will I be left with? Exactly. You know what's shit? After the person you trust your life with, decides to leave you, someone new comes and they try so hard to get you to let them in and when you do, they would do anything to make you trust them and make you believe how real it is but in the end, it's just another joke. They played you like a game and your trust was nothing to them.

I can't afford to end up that way again.

I can't bear losing myself and having to pick up all the broken pieces, glue it all back together just to get it smashed again. I can't. I just can't.

I find myself being a burden to everyone. And all I am doing is bringing them down with me. I can't be that selfish. I know everyone's trying to help and I do appreciate the positive vibe they're trying to make me feel but how can it last when I'm living in such a negative environment? I keep picking myself up just to fall back again, it's like putting my hopes up despite knowing how it'll bring nothing more to me but disappointment.

I don't think anyone needs to care about me. I want them to but I know how it ends, I'll be too much to handle and they'll give up. And I don't want to make myself think that people would actually stay when I know they won't. I can't let myself believe in all the good things that will always be here even when I do because I know I'll be the cause of its lost. I have always been insecure and it's getting even worst. I'm not even talking about the way I look or how I compete with everyone I see. I'm insecure about what I know about myself and how people soon will see me the way I see myself. I don't want anyone to leave but I don't want to drag them down to the sorrow pit I have set my mind to live in.

And I ask the same questions repeatedly, I tell them they can do better, I tell them of all the reasons why they shouldn't stick around and I realised I'm just pushing them away. But what I hate the most is when I finally settle down, when they've been putting up with my shit long enough for me to finally feel secure, that's when they find it easy and like a good thing, alright to leave. So back to square one I go. I know it's annoying to be with someone who's sad almost all the time who gets too clingy at one point that it seems ridiculous but I've been here before and it wasn't easy. See, I'm just so hopelessly stuck between opening up to people to start fresh and isolating myself so I wouldn't have to make people rack their brains out to fix me just because they care or of pity.

So don't care about me. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't think about me, don't nothing. Because I'm a waste of your time and it's pathetic.

-riri-

a bit of cheering up.

 

 It's the randomness of it that surprised me.

So I woke up with this as the first thing I read.

I wasn't expecting any mentions or message but then this came along.

I find it nice, how Nick would randomly do this.

It's just nice, to know someone actually knows you're sad and even if they know they can't really help, they notice and I guess that's what matters as well. It's the little, simple, unexpected things like this that gives me a bit more of hope.

-riri-

why last year?

I came across a post of a senior I once knew as a bubbly and happy sunshine, who now walks around with a dark cloud just above her. So I continue reading without realising how I've reached to last year's stories.

And I felt a tad bit flustered?
It's funny how I would even feel that way, especially not about last year. I don't even like anything about last year. I wanted to skip it all as soon as I could. Well maybe. Maybe it was the people I once knew so well. Maybe it was the jokes and laugh only we shared. Maybe it was how everything was before everyone left. And how dark those days were to me and how remembering the little things that made me feel better made it even worse. So it ends the same way every year where in the end, I wish none of it ever happened the way everyone acts as if it was never there.

-riri-

radio.

I hear things at night
When I don't, I think a lot
So I switch the radio on
To not think at all.

I sleep early and wake up with the lights still off and I find it hard to continue my slumber. So I stare into the emptiness and hear myself slowly breathing. The feeling's amazing, so is the pain of it. I start feeling lonely and scared and stupid. So I sleep with the radio on, I wake with the radio still on and I spend my days in my room with the radio left on. I don't even care if I don't like the songs they play or get tired of the ones they overplay, anything works as long as I don't have to bear with the silence. But nobody understands. They turn it off or force me to do so not giving a second thought of how maybe it might just mess with my lifestyle, my head, mind, thoughts, which it totally does. But who would anyway? Exactly.

-riri-

in need of air.

Saturday 8 Jun 2013
4:05 a.m

That Should Be Me by Justin Bieber playing on fly.fm, and the feeling I once felt so deeply inside me like a stab at my heart, rushes back into me. It's back to the blurry memories of 2011. No, I won't think about it.

A couple more days (or maybe a day and a half) till school reopens. I just sigh. As much as it sucks to stay home doing almost nothing but imagining ways of dying, school is just another level of depressing. With never ending chores and studies I haven't done, not to forget assignments and homework I don't take any care of, it's just too much. Though I have no one else to blame but myself. I know I shouldn't let things get the best of me but how can I not?

I don't know how to settle down and get my head straight again. It's like problems of the world are all on my shoulders, thinking of everything yet sometimes nothing. Is it the blankness that troubles me all along? The lack of knowing what's going on with my surroundings or just the feeling of trying to block everything out? Everything seems so pointless. I need to get back on my feet and pull myself out of this lump. It just, gets so hard to be going through it alone but I don't dare to drag anyone with me. I can't risk getting disappointed. I can't risk having to put my hopes up just to let it crash down.

4:31 a.m : Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars once again at times like this, plays on fly.fm. Can it get any sadder? Despite how it hurts listening to this, it's one of my favourite.

I wish I had a bit more time. Away from home, school, everyone.

everything?

-riri-

a bit of hope.

It's when things stop making sense once again but in a beautiful kind of way, a way you thought you'd never experience ever again.

He doesn't even know you and you don't know him. You two have never met or even know of each other's existence till one day. It could be said as an accident or maybe something that strikes out of boredom and that would be the first time you said hi. It stopped just like that and after awhile you received an unexpected message from him saying he wants you to come over to a certain event of his school and without hesitations you agreed to it. Then comes a feeling in you that says this was meant to happen but nothing more.

So the day arrived and you guys met.

You two have that nervous smile on with a tad of obvious shyness in the tone of your voice. He showed you the way in and helped you to your seat. You look around the hall full of pretty girls and smart looking guys and think to yourself why are you even here in the first place; you never liked people anyway but then you turn to your right and he was there smiling and you thought "Yeah, this is why". So there you are sitting awkwardly and starving with him asking if you were okay a few times and you worry if this wasn't what he expected it to be, I mean, with you. Why do you even care? You don't know too, you just do or maybe you're just paranoid. Trying to create conversations even if it does kill you slowly inside with fear you might end up asking the wrong question and embarrass yourself. After a few questions comes an answer that got you taken aback when he says he came all the way from the front of the hall to where you were sitting which was way at the back and a sudden rush of guilt and oh how do you explain that feeling again, loved maybe (?) overwhelmed you. You've always wondered how it feels to be stared at in a way where the person whom is staring seems so fascinated with you when you're busy focusing on something else and well, that's what he did. You try to not stare, only getting a few glances of him whom at the moment was sitting just beside you, careful not to let him notice you.

A few more minutes and it'll be over. Now what? He looks at you to ask if you were heading anywhere after and all that came up out of you was "I'm hungry". It was stupid really, it didn't help at all but he wasn't. He offered to accompany you eat, as in we'll - find - some - place - to - eat - you - in? How could you say no, it's your stomach you're talking about so you agreed with the idea of that. He walks you there, not too far yet not as near as you thought it would be at. It was the way he smiled and helped you cross the road that amazed you. And that urge to hold his hand but of course you didn't. How he opened the door for you and walk right beside you like a guardian angel, you were just awestruck. It gets you thinking hey, this guy is really something but it hit you again how you were nothing. So you tried this thing called "talking" which you quite obviously suck at and with all the words jumbled up, he just patiently listened and answered in the most politest way he could. It didn't matter as long as he doesn't find you a regret or a waste of time.

So you reached your destination, struggling to take your money out to pay for your food from that tiny pocket your shirt has when suddenly you saw, from the corner of your eye, someone handing money to the cashier and as you quickly turned to your side, you had to catch your breath for a few seconds knowing it was him who paid. You just, it just, you can't. It boggles your mind how and why he would do such a thing. It just feels weird to you, being treated so nicely by a guy. A guy you've never met or known for long.
But all you could do was thanked him.

In the car on the way home, you replayed every moment in your head. What just happened? What happened was, he fell for you the minute he laid his eyes on you. He can't explain it and you might not believe it but it's just one of those things that just happens. So be it.

-riri-

I'm not sad.

The thing about me is, I say I don't understand myself but I do, I really freaking do. I just don't understand how I know why I'm being the way I am but not doing anything to fix it. Or maybe deep inside, this is what I really wanna be and how I wanna live my life? Or maybe it's another way of keeping myself guarded from what I know could really crush me.

I once ask how would you rather live: 

to feel nothing at all or to live in pain and heartache; to feel?

The answer was to feel.

Although most ask to be numb, to be heartless, to not feel the suffering, we all know that's not the deal. Because nobody wants to be alive but dead inside. No one wants to live a pointless life. Nobody wants to waste so much time for nothing. And so do I. Last year totally screwed me; mentally and emotionally. It was either live life dead or go through the pain and take it in you. It got me so numb at one point I couldn't care about anything or anyone, literally. People were giving up on me and I couldn't even blame them because I would do the same if I were in their shoes. Pathetic, I thought. And to the start of 2013, nothing excites me. I thought I couldn't be this way forever but I couldn't be happy either so my last hope was the past. By that I mean thinking about all the pain from the past that I could make myself remember and live my days by doing so. It was either that or nothing at all and I was just tired of the blankness in my mind. My creativity level just dropped to the lowest point. I got into a lump of depression I couldn't even let people help me up. I don't care about the past, I don't, even when I talk about it a lot. I don't even want to and I could stop but I choose not to.

Because this is the only way I could feel again; by the pain I make myself go through.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

-riri-

i wouldn't want to fall.

But if I do, catch me.

In every start, I would always end up being this way. Because it's never easy to trust people when you've trusted way too many and it goes to waste. I would start cold. I wouldn't stalk you, I wouldn't know how to be sweet, I wouldn't know what to say or even know the existence of jealousy. Then comes another phase:

I push people away, not to save myself but to save them. I'm nice to the people I don't know well, so don't fall for that and don't get mad if I'm not what you imagine me to be when you do get to know me better. Thing is, I'm only complicated with the ones I trust because that would be when I know for sure you can take me as I am. When I'm sure that they won't leave. Even though, they usually do. I don't do sweet talk, I don't say that shit unless I mean it. It takes time. So even if you are to me, I might not be to you but stick with me longer and you'll see. I don't trust people, I can't trust almost everyone so when I trust you, I really do. They would always be doubts but after awhile, I don't think of it anymore. I just need prove.

When I fall for someone I fall hard, so hard it gets me sick. So I avoid that. Just sometimes, some people are just meant to be and feelings just come, I can't stop that. You know what I dread? I dread the day when I let you in and shut the door, you'd prove me wrong. I hate how after awhile I start to care too much, I'd start thinking about you before I sleep or when I wake up or maybe just every moment. I'll get used to the routine, I'll get used to the midnight conversations and the waiting-for-you part. I'll actually put your name in things like my schoolwork or essays or so. I'll be with other people wishing it was you with me. I'll actually get jealous if I see you with other girls and that is when I know I really am falling for you because I'm not the type to be jealous. I'll find comfort in you and after awhile I would think this is it, this is where I feel secure and safe, this is home, with you.

Don't turn me into that if you're planning to leave one day because it's shit to know that I gave you all that I am after so long of staying and being strong, I just let myself lax in your arms but ends up being so vulnerable all over again. I can't risk another step of getting more isolated with the world and everyone in it or around me.

-riri-

they wonder,

"Why do you do that? Don't be stupid"

Why?

I would hate everyone,
but I can't

I could blame it on others,
but I can't

I want to hurt them the way they hurt me,
but I can't

I wish I could let it out on everyone else the way you do,
but I can't

So I hate myself instead

I put all the blame on me

I hurt myself so I don't feel guilty

And I let it out on me

Maybe I am stupid,

Stupidly nice.

-riri-

next time.

They make me believe I'm the priority when in reality:

my suggestions,

my ideas,

my complaints,

my needs,

wants,

and just simply me,

always comes last.

Why? Because there's always a "next time".

but no one knows if maybe this time, is my last time.

-riri-

another phase of letting go.

It has been quite some time since I last updated and to be honest, I have a lot to tell unfortunately it's human nature how forgetful we (I mean me) can get and so I have written all that I've been through or would want to type out here, in a book and few sheets of papers that by my luck, has got sucked into the centre of the earth. So how are you? I mean how am I.

I guess this is getting way too predictable, I let people in, they walk out.

They want to stay, I push them away.

Here goes the typical I - never - knew - we - could - end - up - being - friends - shit & we - used - to - talk crap. In the end it's always farah, she'll always be there standing by me and no matter how badly I wish I could say my best friends mean everything to me and that they've been saving me, I, sadly, can't. It's not 2010 and it never will be the way it was back then ever again. I'll never be that girl, child, student, friend or even the person, I used to be. Countless number of people I've pushed away and hurt in just 6 months. Never knew I could get this way. It used to be me wishing I haven't said or done that to just "whatever". I end up getting too cold and heartless. Not in a way of not caring at all about anything, I mean by not exactly giving a shit about most things but the people or things I keep really close to heart.

Maybe it's me, being too lazy to talk to anyone or maybe I'm just scared that it won't work out the way I want it to tho deep inside I just know, it's neither. It's just I'm really not up to making anyone happy because in the end I'm still the one who causes the most pain so I'd rather be alone. Again things, have changed as always but this time I'm still the same. More friendships come to an end and I don't even know why I still bother. Maybe everything is, my fault. For being me. I used to be so good at this but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm living in reality. Or maybe not. I want to get better but I have a feeling I never will. I'm not ready to live this way for all my life. Oh shit.

-riri-

go grab a mirror and take a look back.

"Don't stress yourself" she said. It felt a bit silly of how she can think that way without even the slightest thought in her mind that maybe she's the one who causes me to stress out.

Remember how I said I don't really care what people think of me or what they say about me or even care about the people who don't about me? But really, how am I to do so when these people are related to me by blood? I can't. No matter how I try to avoid them or to care less, they're always gonna be there and I'm always gonna end up helping them as much as I can even if it means the one that suffers in the end would be nobody else but me. It drives me crazy. It just flips me off how I do everything I can to be the best or to make things better but when one thing goes wrong, all blame is on me. I don't know how to even put it in words of how hopeless I feel. I get so confuse, I swear it just messes with my mind.

I don't ask for the world, I don't ask for what I know they can't give me, I just need to be understood and given a bit of time away.

So you help around with the chores or any kind of work you do, you don't go out, you avoid burdening others to send you to the place you want to go to, you try and wake up early, you don't argue, you don't buy stuff and etc and they're okay with that. Then you ask permission to go out, just once, and a volcano erupts in them. Now you're the ungrateful one, the one too lazy to do any work, the one who bite off more than you could chew. Familiar? After years thinking of the logic in this, how can I be the one at fault? I don't have friends "oh god you should get some friends" they'd say. I do have friends "oh you could live without them you know?" they'd tell me. I'm being taken for granted for being too nice and I don't think anyone would believe me in this, no one might even see it the way I do.

I'm not even trying to grow up too fast. I'm just being human. I don't get it. And here comes the lies and false hope, here comes the finger all pointed back at me and how am I ever gonna learn to live my life with honesty if all my life I have either been lied to or manipulated?

-riri-

dating me:

- I get too emotional
-I'm annoying
-Clingy
-I tend to push people away, sometimes way too hard and often
-I am boring
-I'll hurt you
-I have times where I'll get bitchy
-I'm a mess
-I complain too much
-I'll doubt you
-I will believe but I can never fully trust you
-Problematic
-I would care too much and if neglected, I might just stop giving a damn
-I don't expect things but I get sad when it doesn't happen
-I suck at being a girlfriend
-I forgot how it is to be a good girlfriend
-I know what I want, I just don't know how to say it
-I'm depress
-I get sad at random moments and hyper at other moments; bipolar
-Did I mention that I'm awkward around people? Yeah very
-I have so much in my head to say but so little comes out of my mouth
-I lie, a lot
-I'm suicidal
-I get jealous but I'll never tell
-I might just love you too much

-riri-