So many things I want to write about, so little time. Maybe one day, when things aren't as hectic. If I still remember, if I would still be here.

-riri-

macam kucing.

"Kucing kalau nak mati, dia lari"

Mungkin, satu hari nanti
Aku pula yang lari.
Bila aku lari, kau jangan cari.
Bila dah masa, mungkin aku kembali.

Mungkin
Mungkin
Mungkin juga
Tidak sama sekali.

-riri-

floating feelings.

"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realised you lost the moon while counting the stars". Well, she lost the moon, by losing you.

Things have gotten out of hand I know (actually I don't so correct me if i'm wrong). Thinking one second things are finally falling into place and next thing you know, it's all in pieces. Seems like she loved you but not the way you did. It gets you thinking if it would have been better to never have known each other. To see the person you care about and love sincerely, moving on the second she slipped away from your grasp seems almost surreal. Doesn't it just mess with your mind and feelings? Thoughts like whether she really did love you or if it was just another game; if to her, you were just to past time floats around your head inside and out. But I don't have the right to say. We all have our reasons.

Just so you know, it's not you, it's her. You did your best and I know you when it comes to that, you're great. Amazing and awesome as always. Yeah a little awkward but you know how to make her smile I bet. Because you once did that all the time for me. I hope you realise that there's nothing wrong with you and you're just perfect the way you are. Maybe she couldn't see that. She failed to see the person you are inside or could have been for her sake. That's her lost. If she stayed and knew you the way I did, she'd probably regret ever leaving you. She had mistaken rocks for diamonds and threw away the real deal ((you)).

"I will always be by your side and support you whenever"

Remember when you said that?

See, you're that kind of guy. You're the kind that keeps things to yourself but you're willing to hear other people out. You're willing to go out of your way for the people you love. As I said before, which ever girl that gets you is a lucky one. Too bad she couldn't see and appreciate you that way. To be honest, I was a bit mad when I found out. I just, I know we got a bit more awkward than we already were but I care. I just  don't talk to you much anymore because I'd start to wish you would share more but I know you can't. It breaks my heart to see yours break; to get to know you got treated this way, makes it worse. But I guess at least now you know what this is worth. That you are worth much more than this. You're going to be just fine froggy. Serious shit.

-riri-

together not.

A little something I found in my "sivik" exercise book.
Something I wrote early this year, I reckon :

We were bound to be together,
Both said it'd be forever,
Was it love or was it lust?
Could've been just full of doubts.

He had left, I was hanging,
As volcano's of emotions start erupting,
Things change when we wish for it not,
And so the ones we learn to live with,
We end to live without.

See,
You took with you,
The me I used to be,
And left me crumbling,
Cringing,
Back into the,
Solitude,
Where there is no more me,
Or you,
Us.

-riri-

another love.

It breaks me, to see him broken.

He lays next to me, as he speak words deep from his heart.
Things he had said way too many times lately. Things he mean.
Things he can ever brush off. Things that hurt him so.
Things he wish could change everything, to how it was.

I wish she knew how much she meant to him and how deeply, insanely in love he is with her. All the shit she puts him through intentionally or not & all that he had put himself through just for her sake, I wish she knew. I wish she would see and understand that this isn't a joke or another phase to him. I wish so badly she knew, that this is meant to be worked together on. Not to be left hanging, with a closure too hurtful to rewind in mind before bed. If only she knew. But then again, I completely understand why. I understand why she is the way she is and I understand how he feels for her. I understand everything because just like everything else, it seems like things and events are all connected with everything and reflects everyone in different ways. Just like this, it reminds me of me, who I was, and the guy I'm now with.

But some things are too simple that it's complicated to understand. 

Some things you can't really put a finger on.

I hear the hurt in his voice. I see the tears in his eyes and the smile he tries to hold. I see how such a mess he has become and how his mind runs at night. I see the love he has for her when he speaks about how he wish he could turn back time, how he wish he knew where he went wrong. I wish I could help I so badly do but this isn't about me and I've got nothing I could possibly do but to listen and be there for what I can. He talks about her with feelings and expression and ways I have never seen before. Ways that prove nothing less than that he once and now still do wish to believe that she is the one.

"This is the girl you know? She's the one. I swore I thought she's going to be the one. She is just, so beautiful. No, really beautiful like inside and out. She's beautiful to me. Everything about her. I don't know what to do. She gives meaning to my life. I am now honestly, completely, empty"

She doesn't want to hurt him. Little did she know that this is killing him. "How do you know when a guy really loves you?", because I don't know how. I'm never sure if they really do because they all say they do but it never stays; the feeling I mean. "You know when he does things you know he wouldn't do for anyone else." He was right. However, I don't know a guy well enough to ever know if a thing he does for me, he wouldn't do for anyone else. This guy here though, I know him well enough and it's true. He does everything he could possibly do despite the trouble he gets himself into because of it, all specially for her. He would do anything for her. Love isn't even enough to show her or tell her how much she means to him.

If only she knew.

-riri-

one to go, the other to stay.

There's going be two guys. One that makes you happy and one that's willing to.

You're going to love the first type, with all your heart.

You're going to learn to love the second type because that's all you've got.

One guy, this one. This guy you're going to meet off guard but from mutual friends and without a second thought you're going to let him in. You're going to open up,get comfortable and let him make you feel things you thought you would never encountered at that stage; like you've never did to any other guy before. He's going to make you feel like you're the only girl in the world. This guy, he's the type that gives you butterflies at just a simple "hi". He's the guy you get head over heels for, the one you're going to fall for way too deep. He's the guy that makes you forget about your problems. At the same time you don't mind talking about your problems or insecurities with. This is the guy that won't judge you but also the guy you can't read. He keeps things to himself. That's his thing and according to him, your stories or life is way more interesting than anything his would ever be. He's going to be the guy who'll leave footprints and scars and tattoos on your heart, the one you're going to find hard to shake off feelings for.

Another guy, that one. That guy who you never knew existed that secretly had known you before you even knew he did and this time, things have changed. You have your guard up high. You push him away, to avoid getting you or him hurt. This is the guy you're going to find too nice to be true. The one with sweet words you'd find hard to believe. The one that makes you feel like a princess but you're not planning to get attach to. Sad but difference is, this guy is going to make you believe that he loves you because he really does. He's going to keep talking to you careful not to annoy you and he's going to try his best to get to your heart. Unfortunately for him, you no longer have one. He's not the type to give up, he takes you seriously. You're different. Seeing all his efforts, you're going to soften up and open the door to let him sit; to see if he could go through long enough to stay. You're going to realised this guy is just as head over heels for you the way you used to be on the last guy. You're going to show him how unworthy you are but he's going to take you as you are anyway.

He wants to prove you wrong,

that he's going to make you happy.

Because you make him happy.

Now,

Let,

Him,

In.

-riri-

i don't want to miss you.

They say if you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, then it's yours.
But, what if it doesn't?

Knowing how much he is worth and what he is capable of but why am I still where I am when I know this isn't where I belong. Someone who deserves way better than I can ever be in this state. However, seeing the breakdowns of a guy I know, reason being that the one person he gave his soul and heart to left, makes me wonder if he might end up the same way if I left. it's devastating and heartbreaking to see anyone in such a condition. Isn't it just amazing how beautiful yet hurtful love can be? Love for your parents, your country, friends, favourite boy band, anything at all. To see it slowly fading or crumbling in front of you really is a tight slap in the face or even a hard punch on the chest I supposed.

I am the kind to think about other people's feelings followed by mine at once. If I think about how I feel, I'd probably think of how they would feel as well or at least how they would feel about what I feel. That isn't the point though. The point is, you can't really have everything. You can choose one way; either yours or theirs. There's never really a right answer since everything that happens has it reasons to it.

I love him but hurt him. He says it's okay hurting to be with me than to hurt knowing I won't ever be his again. But I feel the guilt, each inch of it because I've been there and I know how it is like to be where he is. Ironically, I learn how it's like to be the ones who left me as well. Although I do not believe any of them or at least most of them were ever rational about it. I want to be the one to make him see things in ways he has never experienced, I want him to know that I am different in ways complicated but understandable. I want him to know that I won't be the one to leave and even if I do, it is for his own good and that I would never do such for someone else. I wish he knew how no matter what, I'm not the kind to leave and forget. That I appreciate everything he did and remembers all the good and the sacrifices, each and every one of them. I know what he does, just to make me happy. I know what he's willing to go through. I know because he reminds me of me. As always, who I used to be.

Sometimes it's like looking into a mirror. It saddens me because I might just change him into the person I am now and there is nothing good in that. If I ever let him go, I know, I might get over it if I really wanted to but I'd also know that I have lost the one person who was willing to make me happy when I know I might never be again even if it means that his needs were to put last. I'm going to lose the guy whom I know girls would die for to have. The guy from books and fairy tales. But then again, I don't believe anyone would ever love me as much. I never would believe, with who I've become today, that I'd ever be worth that much.

"Why do you do that? Why pick flaws from each and every guy you end up with?"

I don't. I just find reasons why not to be with them. Reasons why they shouldn't be with me.

-riri-

what once was fire, now is air.

They'll get used to you being sad that,
they are going to stop asking if you're okay.

Just like someone's death, they mourn for the lost for a couple of days, forgetting about it after a couple of weeks or less but there are few, so little amount of people that still remember and hurt over it. Those are the ones who truly did care and loved you. Maybe the one who was the closest or just the one who knows you better. See, they're going to worry at first seeing your changes and noticed (maybe) of how sad you've become that it shows on your face and how it loses its glow. After awhile they're going to get sick of you, or at least get so used to it that they figure you're handling just alright by yourself. Worse when, they don't even care the way they did then. After all, you're still going on with life aren't you? That's what they would think.

Even your loved ones won't notice sometimes. I hate when that happens, swear I do. Because it's going make to me hate myself more than I can ever be disappointed at them for their ignorance.

It's just sad how feelings change like that. You're going to realised that from now they're going to take the things you say lightly and that nothing sounds serious enough to be taken seriously with the tone you're using to talk to them (as if they don't know you never really am able to talk about it in a tone that indicates the importance of what is being said). You're going to start doubting things, like your importance to life as yourself, where you stand in theirs. It kills doesn't it? To need help but the only way you can get it is to cry for it in the silence of the night oblivious to the fact that you know well enough it doesn't work that way. To think that they would understand or that they finally get you but no.

Unfortunately for you,

the ones who can help,

are the ones who can't.

-riri-

realisation monday.

She held on tight to my hand,

"I love you, you know that?"

Why so sudden?

"You're there when I need you.

You might not be there when I want you

but when I need you,you're there"

And for a minute there i thought, isn't this just beautiful? It felt nice; knowing that you are one of the most useless friend that could ever exist on the face of this planet but then, you are appreciated for the little things you do. The things you know you should, and actually want to do. At that very moment it seemed as if the world had stopped spinning and as the wind blew at me, giving me a bit of a shiver which was weird since it was noon, a thought crossed my mind; how there are little things like this, little beautiful meaningful things to me like this, that makes my life worth living. I gave a smirk, hah, really, i thought, but inside i blushed and twirl and laughed at the slight happiness it gave me to know that i was actually there for someone and they appreciated it. They appreciated me.

-riri-

doubts & insecurities.

Or maybe just fear of reality.
Or just the repeat of history.

I am left, with just two pictures, of things that lasted never more than a year; 6 months less every time, to be specific. I don't think I could ever bring myself to believe that anyone, could love me that much or stay for as long anymore. I don't believe that I could even put up with the unstable emotions of how one minute I'm sure that they would be there and the next i'm pretty sure that they would as fast as a blink of an eye- leave. I get crazy over this. No, not just saying, really, crazy. Like the feeling of wanting to flip a table. Wanting prove of how their words are true but pushing them away as they do. Crying for the sureness, not believing what I hear at the same time. I just get so afraid it's absurd.

How do you do that? To want to be everything to someone whom at the same time you want nothing to do with because you're damn sure of the fact that you are no longer who you used to be; the one who is capable of loving and making people happy. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Thing is, the only way to stop doing so, is to bring pain to them, in ways I wish I didn't need to, for once and for all.

How do you change, when the reason you changed in the first place is,

the only thing that could change you once again?

-riri-

things will be fine.

Promise.

 

And so in the past few days/weeks, i've been trying to get my shit together and I realised that even though I no longer remind myself of what I shouldn't, the weight on my shoulders still remain. I decided to slowly, collect what no longer needs to be around and throw it out. Took out photos from albums, books, cards, papers, notes, all that reminds me of what I no longer even remember unless reminded, and put it all in one place. To keep or not to keep was the question. Should I?

Maybe not.

 

"What are you going to do with these?"

Burn it.

"What? Don't! They're memories"

Memories I no longer give a shit about.

Then again, I do give a shit about it. I used to be the memory hoarder. Anything that would remind me of any event I found important in my life or even if it isn't, I would keep it. I would look back at it; reminisce. I've always been the one to appreciate all the things people fail to notice but that was back then. I've lost my memory of most things after an incident I went through. Now what I keep in mind are the things I have traces of. Sometimes it pops up randomly in my mind just by going to a certain place or smelling a certain scent. Come to think of it, in a few more years would i regret this? maybe.....not. What you can forget won't bother you. Besides, I no longer go through my stuff like I usually do any more. I leave it somewhere in a box or drawer long enough to be forgotten or at least, until I no longer have any sentimental value towards it or feel a certain longing or sadness for the memories I want out.

So a few more things to go before I can finally start over.

Praying for things to be the same in a way that differ from how it used to be.

-riri-

the final closure.

Although it had ended so long ago,  I couldn't shake off the thought of how maybe, just maybe one day I'd wake to find that this will all just be a dream. That here's a wake up call. Well, it isn't. Never knew this day would come, but it was bound to happen. Letting go of all the questions I've longed for to be answered. I no longer have the right to wonder. I never did mean that much anyway and to think that he was my world while I'm just another girl, is rather sad.

However I've waited for this day. To start over, to let go. Knowing we were never meant to be together, means no matter how far we go back, we would never really stay there. So let him be happy, happier than when he was with me, with a girl much better than me. Just, wow he did it. He finally found her, after quite sometime, he found a replacement. I just wish I was fully prepared for this but, I am sincerely happy for him still. And also to the lucky girl. What we had was just "a phase" while what they're having might just be real.

In the end everyone finds better and actually commit. It's like all I ever am is either a phase,  a person who helps you get over sadness or simply, just "for now". It makes you a bit worthless to know and realised that all your efforts leads you back to not being good enough.

I hope she text him first to make him feel appreciated. I hope at random moments she would text him random stuff or tell him she loves him or even send him long meaningful texts occasionally just in case he forgets how much he's worth. I hope she talks a lot so he wouldn't have to think of much to say because I know he's not that good when it comes to talking to girls. I hope she asks him about his family, how his day was or if he's okay because he would never say; see, he keeps things to himself. I hope she would put her pride or ego aside for him because it makes him feel worthless if she didn't for not being able to talk to her. I hope she's happier and more interesting and hyper than me when they go out together because sometimes he gets really awkward. I hope she stays and well who knows that maybe she'll be the one he can open up to, the one who knows him better, who he could see being with in the future.

The one that's not me

-riri-

sadness in love itself is selfish.

I get them frustrated over how sad I get and how incapable of them to make me feel better. It kills. I know exactly how it makes them feel.

Because seeing the person you love, going through a hard time is heartbreaking but knowing you can't make it any better is the worst. I know how it's like to know that you would cut an arm for someone but it still won't be enough and you're going to feel like you're not enough. Automatically making you feel like they deserve better and you know it as well as anyone else that when all confidence is gone, it goes with everything else as well.

They care. They love. That's why it hurts so much.

You know because that's when you are sure that if anything,

were to ever happen, you would pick them over yourself.

You'll see why it makes sense now how when you hurt, they hurt.

What you feel, they feel just as much.

Because you've become apart of them. 

You've become as one.

However, it devastates me to put them in such a state just because I can't make myself happy knowing that they have tried their best to do so. The pain knowing that your sadness have caused them just to hurt as much is as excruciating (sometimes even more) than the sadness itself. I wish they knew; the ones who sincerely mean every word they said and everything they've done, that I appreciate it all way more than I could ever put in words or show. Knowing they care that much that they would stay up late to comfort me or stop what they're doing just to talk to me is overwhelming. It takes time, I know but never for a second I hope, that they would think they've failed. I feel it, in here, right in my heart. I feel the vibe they try to pass. I feel the sincerity. Just hold on a little longer and I'll be okay. They are my happiness although I might not be able to actually prove so but they should know, if it wasn't for them, would I even still be here?

Exactly. Never useless, they're my hope.

They are what keeps me going.

-riri-

some good won't lasts.

And just like that, without warning,
your positive vibe drops to negative 99.

Do you know how it works?

Here's how:-

One day I wake up and decide to make things better for myself by believing it will get better. Today is the day where there would be no complaints, heartache, stress or random unbearable sadness. This day I will ignore the bad and be grateful for the good. I'll be getting ready for school early but arrives late anyway. It's okay. I'll be walking to class and suddenly realised I have unfinished homework to be done & get scold for it. That's okay. I'm going to try and talk about things but stop half way because I just remembered my friend's better at talking than listening. That's okay. I'm going to go home and sleep just to wake up and study but I never do. That's okay. I'll be in my room listening to the radio or the same cd's all over on repeat because I can't afford to use money on new ones. It's alright you know? I'll be talking to my babygirl, I'll be greeting my boyfriend and I'll be here, waiting for each one of them to fall asleep before I do. That's fine.

Unfortunately they'll be a time, out of the blue where I'm going to get random cravings and getting ignored doesn't make it better. I'm going to want to sit in my room alone without disturbance; ignorant to the fact that I have school tomorrow and do what I do but no. See, it's not the same at those times because everyone is home and no one's going to leave me alone and people are going to come in and out of my room and it is going to irritate me. I'm going to burst into anger, I'm going to get mad and sad at the same time it's not even funny anymore. However, it doesn't matter. It won't matter because I'm going to sleep until everyone does just so i could wake up at that time and find peace.

Then it hits me, I don't want to be this alone.

-riri-

they'll be coming back for you,

The way they did for me.

A day, a day where you expect nothing as it is what isn't expected, is the day people from your past or at least, the people whom you used to know, out of the blue, comes casually walking back into your life as if they never had left. As if you've never did hurt them as much to make them leave.

One : Since 2011, I come and I go, he stayed and got left. A friend i would say, the kind I no longer talk to as often. Barely, to be honest. Alone and rejected but what could I possibly do? Pretty flustering to know that the only way to help is to become what you can never be. I tried being friendly; not wanting to hurt anyone but what's bound to happen will eventually do. At the end it's back to me disappearing, leaving him wondering if I would ever come around again. Oblivious to the acknowledgement that I have always been here.

Two : Awhile since we last talked. Maybe it's that I don't care anymore or I just don't find all the effort worth the prize. Joke is : there is none. Kind as always, greeted in a way I could never turn down. But, happier now. I as he would say have gotten a bit more arrogant. I'm not. I just realised I have nothing left to say or ideas of what to be talked about when I no longer know what has been going on when we've drifted apart for so long. Even though things have completely gone the other way around, nothing really did changed. So my wishes, the best, I pray he would receive.

Three : Even more unexpected, the one who tried murdering the girl who never was alive. Surprise but not exactly. I knew he would come by once in awhile. He comes and goes, that I have gotten used to. He can't see it the way I do, it doesn't matter though. I am not the one to ruin a relationship although mine was ruined because of it. So I told him things he might not/should know. Take care of that girl, she loves you, I said. Doubtfully he questioned me. I get it now. He has never been secure, always has been confuse and scared so he goes around collecting spare parts for the future "just in case". None of my business now. Helping the one who should have helped me somehow feels better than it is to some.

Four : Once close enough to get disappointed at the end. He would say hi all the time not wanting us to end but I never did the same. Tired of friendships or anything more I just let it go with the flow. A bad idea I would admit. Just like that we stopped talking. However, some bond you cannot break. Especially with the people you can casually talk to or be silly with. Getting back, reminiscing the time where we used to talk on the phone and how hyper I'd get and how goofy he was. Life has gotten better for him, I heard. Hopefully, it stays better.

-riri-

affected by the past.

Isn't it just shit to know that someone loves you so much as if you were his world; his everything and it is so obviously true; you see it yourself but you refuse to believe it? Why? Because so many have said and promised the same thing and you've been through the same shit, the same feeling, the same ache, everything. It is shit to know that because of all your past ones, you start to push away the ones to come. It is shit that because of them, you end to be the one to break promises, to hurt and to betray. All because you are afraid. Knowing that you were once the best but still it wasn't enough and to know that you once would try to be all that you can for the ones you love but get thrown away aside for others to come in and now because of the exact reasons you have become so cold and careless towards the ones who truly, sincerely, do love you, now. That is shit.

It is shit how the past changes you to who you are today,

good or bad.

It is shit how you become what you promised you'd never be,

because of it.

It is shit how people can change you to who you're not,

by hurting you this way.

And it is insanely shit how you could and had,

let it happened.

-riri-

my kind of love.

Some have their own type for guys/girls.
I don't. I just have the kind of love I'm attracted to.

Usually, opposite attracts. Sometimes you fall for the ones you swore you'd never be seen dead with. Sometimes you fall for the one who is exactly the kind of person you have dreamt of being with. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes not. And sometimes, it all comes unexpected.

I fall for the person who randomly comes to me to talk. That person I would never put my guard down for at first. I fall for that person who is so eager to get to know me yet still talks about himself. The one that trusts me enough to share things like dreams, hopes and stories, anything. Like my parents', the one that doesn't mind distance no matter for how long; sometimes complicated but finds a way to compromise and tries to understand. I fall for the kind my grandparents used to have where my grandma might get cold but he doesn't stop being who he is and shows his feelings for her. The kind where you don't give up on each other because sometimes, things are going to get hard even if you don't want them to. I fall for the one who respects me as a person, the one who is sincere enough to be okay when asked to meet my parents.

I fall for the love of friendship. To be with someone who is comfortable with me, the one I automatically become comfortable with. I fall for the kind of love I have for Damia where we have days where things can't quite flow out from our mouth right but we know what's going on when things aren't okay. People after people yet we still end back together. I fall for what I have with Yaya where we would tease each other sometimes with things more offensive than we would even think of saying but never really take it to heart because we know we're kidding. The kind that waits for you even if you push them away because they know you better and they know how much you love them deep inside and that you just have trouble or is scared to show it.

My favourite kind of love would be with Farah. If she was a he, she'd probably be with me by now. That kind that talks either all day at random times or not at all but we're there in each other's heart and mind. Despite what anyone else would say we know us better. The kind that knows and understands how messed up or broken or a mess each other can be but is okay with that because we're just the same in ways that differ. My love is that where we could totally be ourselves knowing they won't judge or run. The kind that accepts. I want to love the way I do with Farah. Where we trust and believe in each other the way no one does. The love where there is no secrets. Everything, we would tell because this is the kind that we work for to last. No regrets. No other. The kind that can meet everyday from talking to just being silent next to one another and not feel awkward. The kind that you get so comfortable with or attached to that becomes so strong you sometimes don't even need words to say. That you get sure of would last.

But above all, I fall for the flaws and acceptance of it. The mistakes and how forgiveness is asked and given. The sincerity and the compromise, the way we would work on it because it means a lot to both. That's the kind I fall for. The one that gives me attention when I lie that I am not in need of any. The one that sees the shit in me and realise they're just as imperfect but together we're perfection. The one that doesn't leave when I get emotional and doesn't mind to get emotional with me.

-riri-

beautifully worth it.

"You must tell yourself that you're beautiful, because I think you are. You're worth it." He said. Beautiful. You are beautiful. I think you are. Beautiful because I think you are. You're worth it. Worth it. I am beautiful and worth it.

I could never imagine myself as ""beautiful"". I find beautiful such a big and strong word. Being beautiful isn't about how you look, it's what's inside, what you do and who you are. It's the whole thing, it's all of you. I get that sometimes, people telling me I'm beautiful but they're just saying. They don't know me. They don't know what it means or how much the word beautiful if sincerely being said, means to me. Of all the horrid things I am beautiful is a long way to go for me to be. To be beautiful and worth it, how could I ever? I find beauty in everyone and how each of everyone of them deserves better and how they are worth much more than they think but when it comes to me, I am worth what I am. I am worth what have. But I am, never to be, worth it. I am too much for people. I am at the same time too little. I am never enough. That is what I am. Though to know that someone somewhere out there sees all that I can and cannot be and everything I have done and could do yet still find me beautiful in ways I would never have imagined, flatters & overwhelms me.

Sometimes it does cross my mind that there is a part of me,

that is beautiful in maybe the way I smile at the little things,

laugh at made up silly jokes, talk with enthusiasm of the things I love,

and the way I find or see things through my eyes,

but then I think,

naah.

you're just,

well

you.

-riri-

death is not a choice.

You don't deserve to die.
Read this one more time.
You, don't, deserve to die.

I know that there are times where I so badly want to be six feet underground. No, if it was up to me I wouldn't want to die but to never have existed in the first place if it was possible. Unfortunately and at the same time luckily, life doesn't work that way. Even if I am a burden, even if I ruin and break things or would be at peace if it wasn't for the need for me to exist right now, I am breathing for a reason. I don't believe Allah would ever create anything without a purpose although I have always without noticing at times, questioned why.

This isn't about me. It's about you, my friends, family, or whoever who feels as if they are no longer needed in this beautiful world. Death is never an option. They say that death or suicide would never solve the problem because honestly, you don't live once; you die once & spend forever in another life. Believe, in god. Believe, and have faith. Sometimes it's the only thing you can hold on to. Beliefs.

Everyone, every single person in this world is worth something. You might not be perfect or beautiful to everyone or anyone you know but there are people, I promise, that sees the beauty in you. That is able to see potential in you. There are people who you don't even know who knows you or at least wish they did. It doesn't matter what you do, you are loved and to end what seem so fragile yet so capable of being beyond amazing, is just, such a waste. Even if no one does, Allah will always do. If you believe not, then believe that things happen for a reason. You are given days, you don't know until when but as long as you do, remember that these days are chances given. Chances to restart.

I might not be the friendliest, I might be cold or heartless but I care. I get emotional over other people's sufferings. I wish I could help but I don't sometimes. I can't and 

I don't understand. 

You can believe that you are talentless but you could be nice and how many more kind hearted people do we even know in this world? Not much. You could be someone dumb and feel like you can't even make your parents proud by succeeding but you are hard working and honestly, helping around with the house work is just as good. You're going to think you are awkward so you don't talk to people much but hey, at least you know who really wants to be friends with you. So much  more reasons of why you are who you are and that if there were no you, then this world won't be the same. I hope you know, where you stand. At least if not in anyone's life, in your own.

If you deserve to die,

why haven't your life been taken away?

And

If there are people you know who died,

they didn't deserve to but they've tried,

and now is in a better place.

-riri-

do you feel me?

"I love you"
Shut up.

"You love me"
No I don't.

"Babeeee"
Urgh god, what?! You're so annoying!

"But I'm the only thing that makes you feel again"
Ah I hate how right you are!

"Haha I know. 'Cause if not for me you're just this
Blank
Feelingless
Riri,
But I make you feel again. You have all sorts of feelings
when you're with me"

To deny would be a lie. I show no emotion other than blankness or whatever that suits the circumstances. However not with this kid, somehow never with this kid. It's the honesty and sincereness that brings all these feelings out of me. It's irritating. It drives me up the wall sometimes but, as 'mean' or 'cold' I am, I can never have the heart to hurt people intentionally. So this kid here, she brings the soft side in me. I hate that. I hate how I am easily controlled by people whom I see myself in; the ones who reflects me or who I was. Why? Because I know exactly how it damn feels like.

-riri-

the ones no longer there.

I keep telling myself don't look back but then I do and it hurts to know that the ones I've lost we're the only ones who seemed to sincerely want to be there with and also for,me.

 Those were the days, I would say. The days where nothing were to be so flustered about. Yes we worried about the future, the present, all that was happening then and for all to come, but not the way we do now. Those days, we had each other. We were together, a bond never to be broken, a family. However, tragedies happen in a wonderful place. So it did to us. They would check on me, always. I would talk to them sometimes, more than I do now, which I barely ever do. I let it slipped away, in a snap. My thoughts, my family, my sadness, my mess, took it all away and now I can't have it back. I don't think I even want to but the feeling, the insecurities I didn't have, the faith I had, I miss.

They are now long gone and I am still here, further. They could still be talking to each other but not me because I am here, alone. They could be making new friends but still meeting each other but not me because I am here, isolated. Sometimes you look back from when you were younger, with all the friends you had and the laughter you let out, you get this feeling where you miss it so much it hurts physically and you want to go back to that time but you know life doesn't work that way. That even if it does, you don't really want it to. You were a kid then, mentality much different from yours now, going back means getting stuck there, in a loop where everyone else grows up and meet new people and move on; everyone but you.

So it hit me, it's okay.

It might not be my time for happiness now.

I had my chance, I cherish the moment and now it's gone.

Maybe one day, one day it will come again.

-riri-

teachers & emotions in april.

Trouble was it's initial title. Another piece of paper I found lying around between pages of one of my exercise books. It was written back in April.

My apologies to the teachers.

It's reaching April and the only time I've hand in my homework was once or maybe twice on the first week of school. That's how it is for almost every subject. I've gotten worse I would say. I wasn't planning on letting sadness overpower me. Far from that, really. However, I did mention wanting to just get this year over with and by the looks of how I'm living it, it's over alright. At least almost.

I'm working to score this, I would make myself believe, but ends sleeping for hours. It's unhealthy, for me and everyone around. My teachers, they're great and I don't have anything against them just, I don't know. I can't tell them what's wrong, I don't trust adults and it sucks even more how whether I like it or not, they're the only ones who might be able to help. Besides, school isn't home and vice versa. It's unprofessional to be giving excuses on not doing your work but what's worst would be telling the real reason why. I don't wanna drag anyone into this although in the end my parents would be. But all this touchy-feeling thing I don't do.

I hate feeling exposed; naked, fragile, vulnerable. I hate having to cry and shit. It's annoying. I was taught growing up, keeping what I heard or went through, where I heard it and where it happened. Living life revolving around lies and secrets, lies pile up over more lies; you just forget how it's like to be truthful. I'm honest, just not when it comes to me on my feelings.

You know how it's like to want to save something and wondering if maybe it's too late? That's exactly it. I'm not giving up on myself yet and my intentions were never to piss my teachers off, never. I might not be able to please them but I'm trying.

-riri-

gone.

Going through my past posts from two years back and so on and I realised, just wow. I guess I was the only one who changed? Or maybe realised, that I no longer belong to where I thought I did. How, sad.

What was life to me back then? And what is it even, now. It's amazing, how close we were then and how everything were to be shared with each other but now we're together if we have to be, because it's the only choice we have. All because of one mistake. Besides, things happen for a reason. We were in denial as I would make myself believe so maybe this is a good thing. It's better without me in the picture anyway. I am amazed by how I was back then, how good I was at keeping a friendship ( that somehow I eventually lost ) and it's sad to think that I ruined everything. I am sorry for all the things I thought we could be and for all those times we wasted on what never did or would last. All the hurt I've caused, I'm sorry for that.

-riri-