say okay.

Do you remember how it felt, to walk on shaky legs with the urge to bang your head on the wall right next to you as you bit the inside of your cheeks forcing your tears back in? Remember the amount of pills you took the night before and added the morning behind your desk? Or the red lines on your arms you didn't bother to cover any longer. Do you remember bawling your lungs out in silence choking on air and mixed feelings as everybody else slept soundly? Or the time you contemplated ending everything once and for all. The faces that popped into your head while you're at it, either the reason or the salvation.

It feels like the first time. I've never heard too many desperate I love yous at once, with hints of "please stay". Do you ever think about the moments people forget to need you? No one ever truly needs me. It's an incredible feeling to be asked to stay in such a subtle but firm way. So confident. It breaks my heart to even mean anything to anyone, when I'm bound to lose it all in the end. How does it feel like to become someone's life support? I wouldn't know. I'm always either just a phase or a faded memory. Sometimes unneeded, most times for lessons forgotten.

I'm going to stay in bed as I wither. You'll come visit me when you can, with everybody else's approval. I hope you get to lay with me. Calmly I'll tell you everything. Starting off awkward, sobbing by the climax, ends in silence. Everything I know, everything I've kept, everything I've always wanted to say, I'll spill it all out. Hopefully I can. In those moments please say nothing, please don't shed a single tear and leave me when I'm done. Leave me in my broken and fragile state, hurt. So it wouldn't be so hard for me to decide to go. Give up on me. You'll get the best after.

I fear latching on to you, not wanting to let go, when I have to. Forgive me for gripping on too tight, I suffocate you. Forgive the uncomfortable moments you have to go through when I weep in front of you. Forgive me for wanting to hold on to you and my dreams of forever. I've never felt more special than when you worry, when you ask and love me. I've never felt more happy more grateful and more devastated at the same time. Some things don't happen twice and that scares me. But I'll love you, remember that I do.

I always do.

-riri-