in time.

"..will you be with me?"

There are still days where I think of that time of my life, where it was the worst state I've ever been in. It's funny how you could hate what you were in those days, yet still, still there are days where you would look back and for some reason miss it. Missing how sick and dead you were, how you could spend days in bed weighed down by all the guilt and sadness and still you choose to lay there and allow yourself to rot instead of trying to work things out, not that you can.

Some days, I just- I hate, I despise, I try to find a word more hurtful than those two, to be thrown at myself but even then I get stuck. So bad I imagine myself running off a balcony each time. Dead or alive, we've never been less selfish so why bother. But I'm not 13 and struggling to find myself again, I'm not 15 and going in and out of my mind. I'm everything in between, I'm the days I get through. I don't live anymore, I try to get through alive. It gets chaotic in my head sometimes, fearing everything. Have I been coming off too calm or did I make it too obvious what and where my weaknesses are, I can't tell or bother. I've been searching, finding, and missing more pieces of me. Lose some gain some, but it feels like everything I gain isn't mine to keep. There's always this thin wall between it all and me. How do you tell yourself to love yourself when you no longer know which is you, or what you are?

It's exhausting, all this get along, all this take a breather to suck it in and put it aside. It's tiring, getting up everyday doing nothing because you're incapable when you'd rather sleep and leave everything until it all leaves you. It's draining and god it's starting to get to my head again, the thoughts no, it's the feels, it's always all these emotions. Have I mention that before? It seems to be the only thing I've ever really talked about these days. If tears are the words you've kept inside and have lost, or the feelings you've shoved back down your arse, then mine seems a bit vigorous. Some mornings too much for me, some nights more than I could let myself handle. I still have my moments, where I sense a relapse soon to happen, to give up, even so I restrain myself. You tell yourself you've gotten this far but god open your eyes and look around, you're nowhere close to where you want to be. You're nothing more.

I've lost my everything, I've lost who I am, I've lost my spark, I lost my purpose, I lost my mind. It's bloody shit to know there are people who loves you more and cares but your mind won't let them get through. It's bloody shit to think that they can't help and god you wish you were better, you wish you were better, you wish you were better you wish so badly that you get better. Do you know how it hurts to see your dad's face drop as everybody else is talking about their now well off children, and your mum having to cover up for you when her friends stick their noses in your business, and you're always avoiding people and questions you feel uncomfortable to answer. You're that one person who stays lock inside avoiding the whole world when you know you're going to have to face it one day. You have a little sister that's going through things you might not know anything about because you're too busy with your own shit, and a brother that needs the little sister he once knew so well and the cousin who looks up to you that you've planned a future with, to take care of her.

You're this empty shell living in a place no longer familiar to you. I wake up every day, for everyone else. I still care and I still love and I know I'm not in the best condition, that I've gotten far worse than I've ever been but I'm trying so hard not to lose it again. I'm trying so hard to stay in control but I'm so further away from everything and everyone once again backing up and backing off. Some days I wish I didn't hold onto anything, it makes it easier to go. Some days I wish I couldn't care anymore. I'm losing my stand, losing myself.

Let me go.

-riri-