stuck.

I'm that girl, the one people shouldn't get stuck with.

I pity him, for having me. To be honest, I pity everybody who had or might have been or get stuck with me. I'm that complicated shit yknow? If I'm not complicated to you, then I'm not myself when I'm with you. When I love someone, I get all needy with them and in the end, it'll get me hurt. Eventually, people get tired and they leave and my fragile heart -it cracks a little more.

Maybe the reason I never quite feel content anymore is because I'm not really being myself. How can you be happy in someone else's life when all you want is yours back. I've been doing this pretend thing for as long as I can remember. I try not to get in the way of things, I try to not be a complication to people. I know they have much on their plate, I wouldn't wanna put in some more weight to carry .

Be normal, they won't like you if you're complicated. Smile, suck it up and be happy with them. They don't need to know  how you're dying inside. Remember,you want them to be happy. Your  feelings can  come  last --I tell myself every time before I start 'expressing' myself. That's what I do. I think about others and I neglect myself because at times it's easier to care about people than yourself.

I have issues on trusting people. As gullible and naive as I am, I find it hard to really trust someone. I show my true colours, I am myself to those who I'm sure won't leave; those who I love and loves me as much as I love them. This, this is when I get complicated. It's not that I want to. That's just me. I have no one else, surely they'll accept me the way I am. Unfortunately, for me, most of them don't. This is why I don't open up to people no more. They don't get it and I don't expect them to. This is why I find it better to just be alone. There's times where I feel like everybody's life is better without someone like me.

I don't wanna be a burden you can't bear. I don't wanna be a mistake or a regretting decision someone has made. I don't wanna be that kid you stay with because of pity. I just want someone to accept me for who I am, stay with me, love me no matter how complicated of a shit I get.

I get scared of being myself, I'm not scared of rejection -I'm scared of being left alone again and again and again. I don't get annoyed at myself. I just get annoyed at how complicated I get that it's making people resent me.

yours truly, riri.

little did they know.

9 August : Your brown hair flowing gracefully from side to side, blown by the wind as you stood there waving at me and all I could do was smile back politely.

All they see is what they think they know, what they choose to believe. I, I see a different person; the side of him that most people don't and probably won't even care to fathom. They see a troublemaker. An ungrateful yet disrespectful child. Ignorant to the sweet little kind guy he actually is deep down inside. Little did they know.

Under all that he is seen as, lies a lost soul in need of care and attention. There, waiting for someone who actually cares and would love him enough. He might be rotten but it's never too late to change; never too late to be the right thing. NEVER TOO LATE TO BE YOURSELF. He'd die and come back to life if he wanted. He could change. I know he wants to -if it wasn't for the people who keeps pulling him back down with his past used against him as their weapons.

He almost got there, he was working on it, swear. Unfortunately it's hard, hard to be what you're meant to be when people keep taking you back to the day you were what you never asked to be.

Funny how not just strangers, but also those whom you thought would actually be there for you, support you, to have your back, the ones you trust and shit- are usually the main reason why you look down on yourself. Ends up they're the ones against you and no matter how strong you are, they're kryptonite to you. Them meaning so much to you is one of the reasons the things they say cut deep through your heart.

Even so, he smiles and laugh as if nothing's wrong. He tries his best to be happy. It's called putting shit aside and staying strong. He buries them deep but I see the anger, the sadness, the dried tears.

I believe one day, everyone out there, they'll be knocked off their feet by shock. Shock of how he'll manage to turn the fate they say that were destine to be for him the other way around.

yours truly, riri.

dealing with it.

15 July : I get this a lot. The more I do, the more numb I get.

She picks up arguments out of thin air. Always at moments when you could really, easily get ticked off. It could be about anything, everything at times. She'd even bring up all the shit I've done in the past, as if the ones I've done now aren't enough already.

Comparing me to all her friends' children. These so-called perfect kids -through her eyes, that is. All there is left for me to do to help myself- the only thing I could do- is just sit there silently shouting in my head or singing so loudly in my mind- trying my best to just send back out or just trying my best to not even let in all these shit that's thrown to me.

Sometimes I would black out, I'd just tune out. Staring into space. Motionless. Static. Going to my own world, sending out reality. There's times where I would just think- of why I am in such a condition, what wrong did I do and what's the point of what is done to me then.

 Sometimes I just end up thinking of what and why. There are times when I find myself utterly innocent and some I can't but to admit that I am at fault. Most times it's just something I have to bear with, compromise. I just have to understand that she's having a rough time dealing with things and also me so I just have to suck it up. But I don't blame her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I say offensive things too but I never mean it and when I feel like I want to and I should, I'd probably shut up before I make more hearts aches and hurt more feelings.

yours truly, riri.

introvert.

Never the right person, I am.

The people I trust are limited. People don't really know the real me. The one who does, I could count with my fingers, on just one hand. I choose not to show people the real me, I keep everything to myself, burry it deep down inside. It eats you up but I've gotten used to that. Not that I like hurting myself, I just have this stupid idea of how the things that bother me, are the things that aren't important to others. 

I just don't like the idea of how I'd go for people when I'm in need 'cause I know I might not afford to be there for them when they're in need. I know most people don't care. I'm scared that I'd just be another inconvenience to the people I seek help from. I judge myself from people's point of view at times. Thinking of how annoying I am to them, such a nuisance, 'cause I am. It kills me even more to share thoughts or problems with those who has never bothered to share theirs with me. I despise how by doing so it makes me feel like a total bonehead for some inexplicable reason.

Anyways, the thought of trusting someone so much, getting attached, freaks the shit outta me. It scares me. Scared of regretting it when they finally end everything and leave.

But to be honest, I'm afraid one day the people I care about, the ones I love the most, will leave because of this.

 yours truly, riri.

vanished.

Everything we once had, all the promises we once made, gone.
Baby, they're gone.

2010 was shit, beautiful shit. 2011 was as shitty as 2010 only worst but it was okay. I met a few people, lose a few more. Lose some gain some, eh? But 2011 left me with a lot of scars. It proved me wrong to every thing I once believed in. Forever, love, friendship, family, even myself.

However, I still believe in miracles. Still believing that there are people who'd stay even when it's easier to just turn around and walk away. I get complicated, difficult to handle, easy to be left. I no longer put my hopes too high, I expect the worst. I lost my bestfriends, family, loved ones. I can't blame them, things change. People change. I changed. I just wish I still have what I had but with or without them, life goes on.

I lost even more this year. Friends around me, in the middle of the loud crowd, yet I still could hear myself think louder than the noise, as if it's been muted in the background and the loneliness is what I feel, empty in a place so content. One minute I have them held in my bare hands, the next it slips away through my fingers without me even realising.

We have drifted from one another, I can't recall my memory of how we grew apart. I thought it'd last. our love, vanished into thin air. The memories come by once or twice a day, knocking on my window, waking me up from my sleep and tormenting me of how I could've save it but I couldn't as if I chose not to. I tried not to remember but they say it's good to think of happy thoughts when you're a bit off. Unfortunately for me the sadness is what makes me content and the happiness, the good times, are what saddens me.

yours truly,

riri.

down.

She hates herself more, every time she starts to cry.

Hysterically choking on her tears.

Since when did crying became a way of relief? It never was to her.
Guess this time the weight was too heavy. She has kept everything inside for way too long. Trying so hard to keep everything together, in the end it doesn't even matter.

She's more dead to herself than she is to everyone else. Walking for so long, searching for home. Lost.

 I don't know what have gotten into me. I've been lacking sleep. I can't shut my eyes, empty my mind and just send the world out away as easy as I used to. I don't know since when did the thought of sleep made me became more chaotic than I were placid. Breaking night isn't such a good idea itself either. It makes me overthink more than I thought I could ever think. It kills. Who knew how tormenting it could end up to be. Slowly eating, killing, you inside. Times like this, cutting seems to be a better solution.

This is by far, the worst kind of emotional breakdown I've been through. I'll pull myself back together. Sooner, or later. I can't break. I just can't let myself do so. I've been holding this thing for way too long, I can't give up. No, not yet, not now. I have time, to fix it. Maybe. Doubt it but, who knows, just maybe? I just need to look on the bright side. Exactly.

yours truly,
riri.

herebyme.

You stayed, not that you have to but because you want to.

They say people come and go but I know you'll stay.

We've been through a lot. We cry, we laugh, we do obnoxious things together. We share secrets and problems, we never get tired of each other. You've always been there for me, listening to my rants and complaints. You've seen me at my worst, the bad and the good sides of mine-you know it all  and you still love me, for who I am no matter how I am. Unlike everyone else, you don't give up on me. while everybody else were busy taking their chance to leave, you just stood there, you stand by me, and stayed. You are what keeps me going. You're one of the reason why I still stay strong, why I won't give everything up. One of my motivation. You're like a firefly, you brighten things up even if you are small, you bright up my whole world. My one and only.

yours truly, riri.

anything but school.

School, what's up with that?

I've been off track lately. I thought this would be the year I start to finally stop with all these skipping school and shit. I'd change, I keep telling myself. I tried, really. The first few weeks of school was okay, I could take it, I could stay but I couldn't change. The thought of going to school makes my heart sink every time. I can't but to repel to this rule of which I "must" go to this place called school that I've been going to ever since I could remember. School has always been alien to me. The thing is, despite me being a total lazy ass, this isn't the reason for it, I just simply, don't wanna go there.

Having friends or not is never the reason. Friends keep encouraging to go, classmates aren't that bad but still, nothing could change this sorta hatred towards school and this thing I have, inside of me, I can't quite put my finger on it, i just  don't know. I can't keep this on. I have exams to get ready for, a future to look forward to. Unfortunately, school and homework isn't what I'm in for doing. Maybe it's how differently I look at things or maybe it's just my rebelliousness. I have to get my head straight, dammit.

yours truly,
riri.