patience-

is loving him.

It's waiting for your turn to talk even when it seems like he'll never stop until time runs out but you want to listen anyway. It's "tell me about your day" in the form of "how are you?" though he might not think about yours knowing he's caught up with his. You just want to know. It's a hug instead of telling him (you used to know but now you think) you love him except the time is not right and your feelings might just be residues of the past. 

It's restraining yourself from him when you're desperate for conversations, so he gets his space. It's telling him you miss him without expecting any reaction or response in return. It's trying to comprehend and understand as best as you can for next time. It's putting yourself in his shoes every time because you know exactly what it feels like. It's waiting for him to be free enough to meet you. It's smiling every time you're on the verge of bursting into tears because it's not his fault you're still latched onto him. He is not obliged to reciprocate your feelings. 

It's taking 15 extra seconds to breathe before you speak or talk back because you know where this argument will lead to. It's taking a few more to stop yourself from crying when it fails because this is going to get too extreme. It's saying it's okay to almost everything and walking away from what's not, to calm yourself enough to make sense out of things and think rationally so he doesn't have another reason to let you go. It's saying goodbye when it's time, every single time, like you feel nothing for it in spite of it feeling like it is to be the last, when you never know when it might be the next or if it decreases by time before it stops all together.

It's getting used to his ways until you're annoyed but compromises still, vice versa. It's looking at  or observing him from afar and walking away as soon as there is a chance for him to notice because everybody else is waiting and eager to meet, greet, talk and be in his presence. It's being silent or quiet so he can have the limelight, never wanting to outshine him. It's saying no to other guys because we know he still owns the same spot in your life as he had since the first time you two met. It's being a bit too careful of your boundaries with his friends because every time you get friendlier, you notice the change in his body language and tone. It's being true to your core when it comes to every feeling even if you're the only one. (It could be wrong.)

It's wondering about his family, barely asking anything not knowing how. It's suddenly thinking of his health, talking to him out of the blue even when you're ashamed. It's pulling yourself up, knowing what you're worth even if at the moment you might not seem like much. It's thinking less of the endless possibilities of all that will come to ravage this when it doesn't make it any better. It's shutting your thoughts and mouth up before you talk about we or what used to be. It's thinking about yourself but worrying about him. It's accepting what he knows you aren't okay with, acknowledging how it is still up to you to leave yet you stay. Because you want to even if you don't and you have made peace with the fact.

//

You ever liked a stranger more than you would ever anyone, for no obvious reason before? It was infatuation my head repeated. My mind analysing what my heart had figured. I went away and around, still him. I never did until I knew and felt what my heart so arrogantly claimed. All the nos, disguising the indeed. Looking back, it was just him. It has never been anything or anyone but him. Even when I knew, I denied. The longer it has slipped, the more I realise. Even if it is just me. Sometimes I find it hard to digest if there was ever even a moment where it wasn't. I would say the same for him if I knew however I don't get to see how he sees me the way everyone else might.

With nothing left but myself, he remained. It wasn't the crowd, the stage, the lights, the fun, the fucked. It isn't the late nights, before dawn, sleepovers, adventures, sacrifices, struggles, night drives, long drives, drama bombs, ideas and daydreams. With the wishful thinking aside, every positive turned negative, every light switched off and doors closed but unlocked, I took a step through one and found him. Just him, as the person he is and all that he could be. Just us, as two beings when we are ageless and free, the only time we are as human as I will ever feel. If only you knew how I feel, you would drown in awe and excruciation.

Ah I am just vacation, a weekend, an old book, a closed chapter, a new being, another story, a dream or nightmare, whichever is more compatible. The stranger you always knew, a shadow from the night, someone from the past. "Tapi you segala-galanya bagi I!". Kelakar sangat ri.

-riri-