like the first but least, last to be.

Emotions aside: I'm better off without, now.

Give me some more time to let me become the person I've never gave myself the permission to be. The person I was once was but improved, whether or not it's in a good way to you. It's not the moment to think about it or anything at all that touches me and in time perhaps, if He wills, as it must if it is meant to, I will be over it.

I am on my toes, almost afloat to vanish. I am seeking calmness in what has always been with me. A home so wicked my love is filled in it. I don't want to but a thought is arising. A plan is working it's way around my head to infest my universe with what I believed I've thrown. Said go find home, say I'm on my way there. Where you left me if needed except this time different. So familiar, how many more times do I have to say the cliche and expected. I don't want to bother where I'm not needed. 

So much of a drag, I should get going before I say what you prefer not to listen. I don't take to heart the things said though I remember every word. Even if I do, I don't want to know. I can't be the one to be so eager to find out anymore. It's not wrong to so head your way if it's the best for you. I am so tempted to let go of most of the human in me. I almost am so willing to let it burn to the ground if it wasn't for how I am latched on to you. You don't get it that I don't want to be but I am better off without it all. That I am not afraid but I can no longer let anyone see my fall.

If you knew how much I wanted to still be all that I have become but more, even so I can't have this the way I did before. I can't let anyone take parts of me just to leave it all scattered on the floor. I can handle this, I can pick myself back up, I will. This is not the first time; everybody wishes it would be the last however I cannot guarantee that. I can't take the judgments. I start finding it more difficult thinking about him without seeing myself the way he perceives me through his words.

How can you allow yourself to take in every particle of that who isn't even able to see past through you. I don't need the acceptance but how could I be with a person who ends to find me unacceptable every time, if not the guilt felt back towards themselves which brings us back to nowhere. What use is there to believe in something meant for two to work, as if you're the only one there is. Told me "let go" way too many times before: that's my cue. Guessing  I will. Still here, I know. 

Hope you call when it's time. 

Perhaps I could just be right.

-riri-