a way out.

Slowly creeping up on me, I know it's calling for a home. Physically unhealthier. A bit ill, to be positive. I can never really be left on my own for too long before the tendencies start reemerging. I can see myself sinking 7 feet underground. The tranquility in letting it all go gives me some peace of mind but I am to hold on right until I have done it all and then, is when I go.

Everything has just been another distraction. I told you, I can't even focus. Stick to the plan every now and other day but I am dispersing as much as I make myself believe I am able to stand my ground and continue without breaking. Again I am so close to succumbing to the demons in my head but I tell myself that this time it is different. It's not like that, I just need a rest. I want to give up but I can't.

Sitting in silence, the noise gradually loudening. Spacing out, I know it's easier to enter me now.

Claiming I'm unable when in mind I'm off to go, I'm not trying to care about me now.

-riri-

in the lost, i'm found.

I want to know. Tell me every thing, every little detail of what you have in mind.

Tell me anything you want. Ring me, text me, say hi, I don't care.

Just be honest.

I'm not interested for small talks that lasts forever but goes nowhere.

I want to know what you have no one to tell, give me all you have got.

And I will remain silent.

Know how I am willing to listen. How I would help if I can.

If I need to, if you wanted me, though I'm better off with my distance kept.

You don't have to care.

Don't even bother, you are not obliged to. Only here for a good cause, I am not one to last.

I do not need another lie, I am not to get attached- you don't have to promise me.

I'll be gone before you realise.

//

Never left, just missing. You can find me if you're desperate, if you need me or if you wish to.

Because it might be too late when you finally come to acknowledging that I have always been there. Where you left me or when I left you, I will answer if I need to. And if the dial ends before you hear my voice, perhaps it's not me you need the most. Perhaps it's someone else. Or you just need you.

//

I don't care but I do, even if I don't know you.

You never ask, you don't try. Kept to yourself, a bit  too afraid.

How do you think I felt?

Unable to say all I previously shared but trust me if you want.

I might not be able to stay or give the same but I will be there.

Another friend nonexistent but here.

Imaginary, I exist when you believe.

Like the last bit of sanity and peace left before you hallucinate.

I'm only present when everything else isn't.

Right before it all falls into place and I'm absent.

-riri-

hakikatnya.

Arif berkata-kata,

balik-balik perkara sama.

Siapa sahaja yang mampu

sanggup

atau betul mahu

menampung tanggungjawab bersama?

-riri-

drawing the line.

If together we are as much trouble as we are more than not, but lunacy to you,

I hope without me, you find yourself where it is as normal and serene as you prefer it to be.

-riri-

pecah.

5:58am.

I keep catching myself arguing with the being no longer there.

Haven't you heard, how we still debate the way we did a few months back.

My questions answered by all that were previously said, that I took so long to recall-

I always go back to where I begin; with you there is no ending.

I can never say anything when it comes to this

I've never been more of a dog-

These are figments of distorted memories;

I do not compare you but what difference does it make if I knew, when I'm still the one to feel all that I do.

It's blasting on full volume, erupting inside me- still I am incapable.

What use is what's on my mind,

what good does it do for you?

//

This is glass falling from the 35th floor-

this is light before sound

where I crashed before

you could 

hear me 

howl.

-riri-

smoking circles.

5:44am.

Mind in space and time, music playing in the background on the side. Hours where it's calm, safe and silent before starting life like a chore once more. Mornings like night, still having use for lights, moments lasting forever before it ends and how I am not ready to wake just yet.

Same thing said, repeating like a prayer till you believe it. I never denied myself as much as I do with you. Keeping in mind how in the end I always get through, I sometimes still wonder how hard was it for you if it was really worth everything you have bet for: if it all feels just as right to you. Knowing where I stand, I can't seem to exactly put a finger on it: what brought me into believing I was a part of what you would have kept and brought along with you.

"It's not time."

It never is.

like the first but least, last to be.

Emotions aside: I'm better off without, now.

Give me some more time to let me become the person I've never gave myself the permission to be. The person I was once was but improved, whether or not it's in a good way to you. It's not the moment to think about it or anything at all that touches me and in time perhaps, if He wills, as it must if it is meant to, I will be over it.

I am on my toes, almost afloat to vanish. I am seeking calmness in what has always been with me. A home so wicked my love is filled in it. I don't want to but a thought is arising. A plan is working it's way around my head to infest my universe with what I believed I've thrown. Said go find home, say I'm on my way there. Where you left me if needed except this time different. So familiar, how many more times do I have to say the cliche and expected. I don't want to bother where I'm not needed. 

So much of a drag, I should get going before I say what you prefer not to listen. I don't take to heart the things said though I remember every word. Even if I do, I don't want to know. I can't be the one to be so eager to find out anymore. It's not wrong to so head your way if it's the best for you. I am so tempted to let go of most of the human in me. I almost am so willing to let it burn to the ground if it wasn't for how I am latched on to you. You don't get it that I don't want to be but I am better off without it all. That I am not afraid but I can no longer let anyone see my fall.

If you knew how much I wanted to still be all that I have become but more, even so I can't have this the way I did before. I can't let anyone take parts of me just to leave it all scattered on the floor. I can handle this, I can pick myself back up, I will. This is not the first time; everybody wishes it would be the last however I cannot guarantee that. I can't take the judgments. I start finding it more difficult thinking about him without seeing myself the way he perceives me through his words.

How can you allow yourself to take in every particle of that who isn't even able to see past through you. I don't need the acceptance but how could I be with a person who ends to find me unacceptable every time, if not the guilt felt back towards themselves which brings us back to nowhere. What use is there to believe in something meant for two to work, as if you're the only one there is. Told me "let go" way too many times before: that's my cue. Guessing  I will. Still here, I know. 

Hope you call when it's time. 

Perhaps I could just be right.

-riri-

ready set.

It feels so much like Raya,
all the saddest ones compiled in one.
Except that this time I'm alright.

I think it's dying again.
I'm going on a rollercoaster death ride.

-riri-

"please hold."

Should I not mind?

Almost exhausted, one more time Ri. Another chance and we'll call it quits. I mean, I. I know I still believe. I wouldn't still be here if not. I don't know what I'm doing even so, I have been here before. It's a funny place from where I am standing, although it's just me. I have always been a fool. Isn't it great, everything around us: the disaster built from what once was pure. It is to know, learning even more how not all that is wicked will pin you to the floor. Why put things on hold when I know I'm on my own.

He will tell me otherwise. Or that it's no different on his side. Tell me we are all meant to. I used to believe that too despite knowing what it could be if not, as things will be when we find out. I'm getting there, I feel it seeping through the growing void in my soul. Back and forth from losing it all. I'm holding on to the bit of sanity I have always had in me. Don't leave it empty, I try filling it with the light on my side. The sun might not shine my way but I have owned memories from a dark place, all the good that kept me going, everything I tie around my neck not to forget.

If I choose to walk away, will it be okay? Perhaps better, I tell myself what he told me. I know you feel me too. Or is it the substance in my system. Maybe delusion illustrating a dream meant for others. I don't want what I used to and I fear I might not want it all together as I once believed I didn't. When it all decreases and vanishes in the cold, which I hope not, remember me for what I was but know it was my decision to leave it all behind over everything unkind.

If I lose my stand and decide to; what I gave,

all I ever was or parts of me, is still a part of what used to be to you,

find me where you left me. If it is meant to, I will be there.

-riri-

moving over.

As she loved herself more than he was ever able
rather more for herself now
much enough for the both of them
she eventually forgot how it was like
to be in love with the man she soon left.

-since you went away.

-riri-

a second thought.

Still the same, there are moments it rings in my head a bit too vigorous for me to ignore. Like your heart beating out off your chest except it's just a feeling. I tell myself it's just a feeling- bursting out of the blue awaiting for its time to pass.

-riri-

for you-fyfe.

You were fine before, they would tell me.

Questioning how I became so disordered.

To them, it's them. I'm always not the person they thought I was or knew. I changed- often said in the end. Come around when I'm better, together again they notice me rotting and it perturbs them. Like I said, they think it's them. Though say it's me.

Well it is, in a way. Of course I'm dandy, yes I'm still breathing. I look alive most times, how could I not be? Then again it was them. I picked up the pieces they left me with because I could not let myself rot without feeling as guilty and responsible for the people around me and them. I stood back up so they did not have to live, if they thought of it, with their conscience latch on past mistakes or regrets to come towards me. Because it might not have been love to them but it was just love for me. It was love that made me.

-riri-

ravish.

How is it like I wonder,

to see the one you let go of, love someone else more.

-riri-

equation.

Patience and space,

a trust built to improve,

limitless, even invincible.

You need trust and to be given time.

Be patient please, believe in me.

-riri-

end of the fire.

They say,

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

But nothing is more painful to see than a love lost;

two cut in halves, a whole now destroyed.

Was the ego worth it, have you won back your pride?

Has the pain subsided, did you get back your mind?

-riri-

patience-

is loving him.

It's waiting for your turn to talk even when it seems like he'll never stop until time runs out but you want to listen anyway. It's "tell me about your day" in the form of "how are you?" though he might not think about yours knowing he's caught up with his. You just want to know. It's a hug instead of telling him (you used to know but now you think) you love him except the time is not right and your feelings might just be residues of the past. 

It's restraining yourself from him when you're desperate for conversations, so he gets his space. It's telling him you miss him without expecting any reaction or response in return. It's trying to comprehend and understand as best as you can for next time. It's putting yourself in his shoes every time because you know exactly what it feels like. It's waiting for him to be free enough to meet you. It's smiling every time you're on the verge of bursting into tears because it's not his fault you're still latched onto him. He is not obliged to reciprocate your feelings. 

It's taking 15 extra seconds to breathe before you speak or talk back because you know where this argument will lead to. It's taking a few more to stop yourself from crying when it fails because this is going to get too extreme. It's saying it's okay to almost everything and walking away from what's not, to calm yourself enough to make sense out of things and think rationally so he doesn't have another reason to let you go. It's saying goodbye when it's time, every single time, like you feel nothing for it in spite of it feeling like it is to be the last, when you never know when it might be the next or if it decreases by time before it stops all together.

It's getting used to his ways until you're annoyed but compromises still, vice versa. It's looking at  or observing him from afar and walking away as soon as there is a chance for him to notice because everybody else is waiting and eager to meet, greet, talk and be in his presence. It's being silent or quiet so he can have the limelight, never wanting to outshine him. It's saying no to other guys because we know he still owns the same spot in your life as he had since the first time you two met. It's being a bit too careful of your boundaries with his friends because every time you get friendlier, you notice the change in his body language and tone. It's being true to your core when it comes to every feeling even if you're the only one. (It could be wrong.)

It's wondering about his family, barely asking anything not knowing how. It's suddenly thinking of his health, talking to him out of the blue even when you're ashamed. It's pulling yourself up, knowing what you're worth even if at the moment you might not seem like much. It's thinking less of the endless possibilities of all that will come to ravage this when it doesn't make it any better. It's shutting your thoughts and mouth up before you talk about we or what used to be. It's thinking about yourself but worrying about him. It's accepting what he knows you aren't okay with, acknowledging how it is still up to you to leave yet you stay. Because you want to even if you don't and you have made peace with the fact.

//

You ever liked a stranger more than you would ever anyone, for no obvious reason before? It was infatuation my head repeated. My mind analysing what my heart had figured. I went away and around, still him. I never did until I knew and felt what my heart so arrogantly claimed. All the nos, disguising the indeed. Looking back, it was just him. It has never been anything or anyone but him. Even when I knew, I denied. The longer it has slipped, the more I realise. Even if it is just me. Sometimes I find it hard to digest if there was ever even a moment where it wasn't. I would say the same for him if I knew however I don't get to see how he sees me the way everyone else might.

With nothing left but myself, he remained. It wasn't the crowd, the stage, the lights, the fun, the fucked. It isn't the late nights, before dawn, sleepovers, adventures, sacrifices, struggles, night drives, long drives, drama bombs, ideas and daydreams. With the wishful thinking aside, every positive turned negative, every light switched off and doors closed but unlocked, I took a step through one and found him. Just him, as the person he is and all that he could be. Just us, as two beings when we are ageless and free, the only time we are as human as I will ever feel. If only you knew how I feel, you would drown in awe and excruciation.

Ah I am just vacation, a weekend, an old book, a closed chapter, a new being, another story, a dream or nightmare, whichever is more compatible. The stranger you always knew, a shadow from the night, someone from the past. "Tapi you segala-galanya bagi I!". Kelakar sangat ri.

-riri-

unplaced.

Suddenly alone again.

Said hi, guessing I shouldn't had. Could have saved myself from feeling this foolish and inane. Reevaluating my decisions with my feet still grounded. It's okay. I ask myself each time, not wanting to put my head in cloud nine. Sometimes I wish I didn't still care at all but I do. Wondering why, yet never knowing. Answers like figures placed all backwards. It's not great but I feel it. It's astounding, still not perfect. Then again it's all in your head, I would make myself believe. I need to stop being so oblivious, to how I have always been on my own. And I'm still here as if nobody ever left or is it just me that's lost it all?

-riri-

innovation.

If initially it was him that read me like an open book, nowadays feels like the opposite. It could be nothing at all. If I could say more, if I could only tell and is able to hang around like I used to or time isn't always calling on him, maybe it will turn out differently I sometimes think. Though I don't bet on it.

This is wishful thinking I am aware however if I can, I still dream of a day for just us two. A place, time, moment out of the life we live in. Like the last time he stood beside me and believed as much as I did. It's not about what I might have lost. I just want to talk. I still have my moments, where with him is exactly where I feel safe enough to linger around and sink in.

When it's just us two, time ceases to exist. Goodbyes are heard before I can ever have enough time to digest each hello. Next thing I know we're out the door. Better luck next time though these stories, they can only ever last for so long. And time has never been on my side. This too is bound to pass. It feels like a year back, except he no longer is on my track.

Feels like everybody figured however inside a bit too much for me to believe so. How do you reach out to the one who let go? Then again every time his hand lands on mine the familiarness feels like the home I've never own yet known. He was the home I own, now unknown. I don't ever know. I can never say. I don't really hope. I can't even wish. I don't dare ask and I don't want to ruin it.

Although I think I might.

-riri-