my sweetheart.

No one would ever thought or could see, why he means so much to me. What I have done or would do isn't as momentous to me as how much I live for him for the times he went through with me, for every moment he sacrificed or take time to comfort me and the things he has said and meant and made me believe and it seem like I've said this too many times or has said the same about those previously essential to my life but every time is different and he is the best by far and god knows how I want him to be the only one there is. When you know, you know. There are moments way too often where I tell myself how much of a sweetheart he is made and created so flawlessly for such a crooked person like me and I couldn't be more thankful or grateful. I want this, more than anything.

-riri-

night Far thoughts.

Sometimes I have all these things crossing my mind when it comes to him. The good, the great, the best. The fears, the doubts, the past. It didn't matter as much as he did, he does. Each sleepless night I get the privilege to wonder about him, sink into my imagination and thoughts of how beautiful things are with him around. I fail to put it perfectly into words for every time I try, he is the kind of flawless you can't explain. Despite the physical flaws or mistakes human makes, through my eyes I am captivated. Wishing it was me next to him all wrapped around him instead of the blanket that keeps him warm for comfort. To get hold of his face whenever I please and stare into such perfection. He's intensely beautiful it gets me bonkers. It's just amazing, how just by writing it down, describing him brings me such joy and excitement. It gets me all twirly and giggly and butterflies and unicorn, rainbows!

It hits me then, at random moments most of the time, almost always, that I am once again starting to feel. More human around him then I am with anyone else at all these days. He is mostly, everything to me and all that I am or have left of what I used to be and god, for the I don't even know how many times- I am so lucky to have encountered him in life and have him hang around once more. I could literally say without a second thought or exaggeration that life without him is no life at all, to go through that once and learn the level of misery and disconsolation state I have never thought I would subconsciously put myself into. To get a grasp on what we had one more time and be given a chance to make it right, left me with more than I deserve.

I am the happiest, to be with him and I cannot pressure enough the fact that I am deeply in love with Far it almost seems hallucinatory but I am perfectly conscious of this. I have never been so sure in my life.

-riri-

odd one out.

Out of all of us that went through,
I was the only one who didn't get through.

I somehow feel, or felt at one point that everyone knew or expected me to be where I am now. Then again maybe that's just me believing how people perceive me the way I imagine they do when in fact maybe that was never the case. I think through every time at times it makes me feel as if I'm delusional or yet subconsciously how everything I think yet not bother about when it comes to people's thoughts of me are really just thoughts of myself from my perspective I've kept hidden under all the confidence, oblivion and ignorance I choose to stand by for.

I'm here with sudden things knocking on the door of my mind dragging me out to look beyond myself, to drop by everyone else's life and how much everything has changed. Difference is, it was never about everything or anything but me. It isn't about how fine people are without me around or how successful they have become after cutting me off and how right my subconscious and their parents' words were. It's how I'm stuck in this very path trying to casually and normally according to schedule move on to the next but I'm unable to or I don't or I can't and the thought of realising which one I am just blacks me out. Then I wake up, and realised I'm the only one left.

They're all gone and fine and I'm here trying to try.

-riri-

to be so close to the edge.

September 2nd.

Somehow I like the feeling of how tipsy I get after swallowing a bit more pills than I should. Like the clouds is in hands reach and my toes can't touch the ground but it's not like that, it's not like that at all. Maybe you learn to get used to the sickness or you adapt to how hard things could get for you and realise it gets easier but when it does, it's no fun, no fun at all no more.

So you pop out another, a couple or few and as you lay on bed with your hands on your chest, you can feel your heart beating a bit faster than it usually does. Running, racing, as if rushing towards another body, and it might scare you that it would slow down, slow down too much, too much until no more, and you can't count or notice how slow it has been beating.

No more sound
No more pumps
And it's not funny anymore
It's not fun to know
That your heart has stopped
Your heart has stopped
It's not fun to know
or not to know
That you are dead
To never have feel life before.

-riri-

the end never ends.

September 2nd.

It's not committing suicide that hurts, it's the pain of realising how you let people get the best out of you just to put you in your worst, and that it was you that let it happen, to the point where your mind or anyone makes it so easy to believe that taking your own life away would make it all better, that although it would have never solved anything, that no matter how selfish, it was for the best. Or maybe rather nothing but a vindictive act.

I don't think that is at all as bad as it could get, but the thought of how when you do, nothing would change. Does it kill you to know that your existence was that insignificant and irrelevant to those around you?

-riri-

on top of the world, below yourself.

September 2nd.

When the feeling wears off, I become aware of my surroundings, I am reminded by my condition, my state of mind, my mistakes, and how I am unable to function the way I once did. It petrifies me to the bones, to wait for such awareness, to be so awake while my body shuts down. I tell myself I need more, I need more, just another or two when I know it hurts to. One debate after another but we let the demons win at one point or the other don't we now? There is an ironic pleasure in pain that I could never put a finger on. It might be of some sort of an ego thing, of how your mind lets you believe getting through one hardship as you ignore another, makes you feel superior, knowing what could hurt or break you can't, as you slowly do inside, as you let yourself die.

-riri-

they say the incapable are most capable.

I used to always wish to be blind. I find that it would help, not only me but everyone around me. What I don't see, I won't hear. What I don't hear, I won't learn. What I don't learn, I might never do. And what I have never done, I would not get blame for. It's safe. Sometimes deaf, so I wouldn't need to hear the shouts, the name callings, or to be reminded of how foolish and stupid I am, as if I don't already know myself. As if I never tried.

would I be special then

would I still be special

or ever would I be

nothing but another inconvenience.

-riri-

i know now.

I never knew that there would be a day where no words are to be said, but to get the chance to hold your hand once again.

I never knew there would be a day where I didn't need to stay hidden, from feelings I can't deny, to be able to feel your embrace and the beating of our hearts as one.

I never knew there would be a day where we may walk side by side without a care in the world of whatever that occurs as our eyes are set and glued to each other.

I never knew that good things ever come around twice the day I lost you, to think there would be a day that you would turn to change your mind another time.

I never knew, there would be a day where we would be us one more time, us against the world for one more try, like we promised,

Till today.

-riri-