With no clue of my age at the moment, what year it is and who I am. I no longer know what it's like to not be this way or how it felt when nothing mattered as much as it does now and how every sickness has it cure. I keep tumbling down back again before I even get the chance to fully pick myself up, I can't feel my own presence except for the wandering thoughts that play me like a broken record; the same thing, the same feel, the agony.
However I hope you love me for the person I am today, because I don't. I've been trying to be the girl everybody used to adore, the one you fell in love with, the child my parents were proud of having and the person I thought I'd never ruin. I make it the hardest for myself and it affects everyone else, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every sadness, disappointment and anger I feel. I'm sorry for every inconvenience I've caused, also for being weak and boneless, fragile and broken. I have tried but to even get a grasp of the person I was seems rather futile after all I have made myself go through. Regardless of it all I would understand if you don't, when I myself can't.
On the bad days, if you're still there, willingly, I hope you remember the good times, the moments you cherished the most with me, how you might miss me but not quite favour what you now see and it's alright. I don't too. Remember every memory left when I was it all; when the world was mine in spite of the fact that it was shredding me apart. You'll remember the loving, cheerful even when in grief, and confident self I was but no more. When everything falls apart and not even a fragment of me is left, imagine me
drinking a mug of hot chocolate.
This used to be my favourite before I forgot.
-riri-
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