look at me now.

Sunday 13 September 2015

120915.

I saw a photo of him sitting next to one of his girl friends, wishing that was me. It wasn't the first thought. He was the first thing and person I noticed the minute I saw that photo, I thought god, even without trying as always, so flawless. He has the cutest stupid smile/smirk. More amusing than stupid really. Is it just me or was he the only one who stood out? He seems to be the only one glowing.

I came across another photo awhile ago. I was in a bad state then yet still, well enough to be aware of how goddamn handsome he looks to me. Something different, I couldn't quite put a finger on it but maybe just maybe, a bit more maturity in his face I see. My star's starting to look a tinsy bit older. Adorable. In the most unstable uncomfortable moment, I'm invaded by thoughts so petty and pathetic, the self pity disgusts me.

If I finally have the strength to become weak enough to self destruct, I hope I demolish whatever proof of my existence in anyone's life. I hope to shut down everything or leave few but very little pieces of me around, for awhile, if I lasts. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be consumed by thoughts of whatever that comes when my body's in disarray as my mind disheveled by unrealistic logic I self create. I don't want to ache at every thought I would have of him. I don't want to know.

I wouldn't want to care of how much you no longer find me attractive over the body I've put to waste, how unappetising I would get, how every touch comes along with fear, how there are better and how you'd turn to catch a second glimpse of anyone who has what I used to own. I don't want to know who makes you feel safe if I no longer do, who keeps you comfortable because I am unable to the way I would, who cheers you up while I am too sad and heavy to lift you up and how the view of anyone else widens your eyes as you might cringe to the looks of me.

I don't want to know who you'd drool over looking at or who catches your attention now that I don't, who you're going to follow next because you find her rad or anything enough to make you feel like she's worth that kind of interest of yours. I don't want to see how big her boobs or ass is or how flawless her skin and smile could get. I wouldn't want to think of the girls you're going to talk to who blows guys away with their charms only because they see you for what you are on the outside and how kind you are, but they don't know you and I don't want them to but they might because girls are satanic, they're leaches I'd burn them with my cigarettes. And god those beautiful ones, on the inside out, these kinds will get you hooked I'd fear you fall for them instead on the long run but I wouldn't care. I don't want to.

I don't want to think of the girls or women in your dreams, be it day or night, whatever that gets your imagination running. I don't want to feel the pain of not being seen as how you used to look at me. I don't want to think of you leaving because I got mad, jealous, insecure, weak, and fragile. I don't want to know if you'd leave and think or make myself believe you would come back if you do. I don't want to know how you did out of fear. I don't want to learn of how I am incapable of not driving the ones I cherish the most away. I don't want to think about how others would tell you how much you deserve better and you could easily achieve that. I don't want to know how you would listen to them. I don't want you to leave. I don't want to watch other girls approaching you in ways you once approached me.

I don't want to make you leave pushing you away giving you reasons to, let you slip and see you go. I don't want to get so distress fighting over fixing myself to keep you and letting myself rot but I no longer have the time to do either one before the other and mourn over things before I get better over every thought and irrational fear. However, despite it all, I dread if you don't at all. If you prove me wrong and stay through it all, because as stupid as this would sound after the thoughts that's spit out, I don't deserve you but I love you more.

-riri-

No comments:

Post a Comment