never ending distance.

And I still want to tell you things.
If you ever bothered to listen.

-riri-

too bad.

Sitting at myNEWS, him the next table.

Opposite my direction, I catch him stealing glances.

Out or away, I look back to him staring.

Something about the way he smiles or perhaps the look in his eyes that gets me grinning.

And then I remembered my last, of how it all came to be and went.

A reminder of how this wouldn't last so every time, to each guy,

I take a step back avoiding getting my feet wet.

I can't seem to forget all that I've made and had,

or how it felt when it went.

Oh what a shame to be this scared.

-riri-

so suck it.

I think I mentioned losing more this year and I have. I don't really have the time to run, chase, talk, or bother, over something so trivial, so egoistic, so petty and full of irrational emotions. I think I've enough of that. If people can't seem to see it now just because it's no longer there, then I guess they've never even noticed before. If you couldn't tell at all, why should I be the one to fix what you lead us to becoming? If I were important, I wouldn't still have to be the one trying or ironically be the one that doesn't, just to find out if there was ever a meaning at all-

Truthfully there isn't much.

I could still be waiting and still,

no one ever comes around knocking.

Know that I don't.

That these days I move along.

-riri-

saturday 14/5.

I laughed to the point where it hurts, his eyes now sparkle. Sure it had hit us, finding songs to listen to, up above yet wishing we were in bed sleeping these few hours away. My hands got cold, the rest was a blur. Our forehead's touching, Zayn is playing- I would've but I didn't. I could've but it would be wrong, so I let it go. This is nothing but confusion or some sort of lonely treatment. We're nowhere near that no matter how comfortable. Things are just different and I am not that person.

I still find it hard to trust anyone and open my arms to their presence like it's official, as if I believe it would last or longer than the last, the least. I'm alright with where I am, we've got plans and I've been living like every day's going to last without wasting any time getting sunk down by the past, knowing it so well that nothing's going to last with me. Before it ends, before everybody goes once again, I'll hold on to whatever I have left. I've never had much but enough. Soon barely anything at all but I've been here before, bound to at one point.

Funny, how I still talk about him, high.

I think about it sometimes.

-riri-

you should've left.

I still have my moments
Longing a presence
Preferring the absence.

Even unaware, I spoke of you
About you, I kept repeating
To the point where I forgot.

Till the next where I remembered
I remember everything
Wishing I never had.

If only I could have just,

let this last to forget again.

-riri-

as you wish.

In this mess, there was him.
What once was my everything.

I haven't thought about him the way I once did, like I said I would, that I wouldn't want to, so I haven't at all in that way for awhile now. Until just now. Something about today that was off. The 11th. Perhaps it was something in me or maybe it was the weather, I wouldn't know. I jump from one mood to another, often exchanging. Still there's only ever two: the one where I smile for no reason, giggling or laughing spreading positivity and one where I go quiet, almost vanishing into the nothingness. I came across a video, some notes/posts that rings us and the past we shared, all that we once had.

"He left me", and so whatever I did a few months or weeks before, would make no difference. It made none. I would tell myself to let it go and move on knowing that I would and could if I want. I've done this before way too many times and it gets better after each of those times. I don't tell myself anything anymore, I let it be, believing it'll leave him dandy. There are moments where I wonder if he isn't, I never cared any less I just no longer bother. I'm not one to chase, yet he was the first I ever did. It reached a point where it didn't seem worth it even if I never really believe that it isn't. Then again, I strongly believe that if someone wants to be with you, they would.

And after all the conversations left hanging and the promises to talk to me again, I'm convinced that he doesn't. Even if there was ever a part of me that believed the contrary, I could never be able to make myself believe so. I don't allow myself to have my hopes up too high, not even slightly. After the things I've gone through and the amount of people I've let in to see go, I only let myself believe what is real. I disregard feelings, I've even believed that in some way everyone who still stays are lying to themselves into believing that they want to and everybody new doesn't know what they want with me thinking that I am it. I shoved them away not wanting to risk anything.

I thought about it; it has been awhile. Funny. That it's not. I would've done anything. I might still do. I look back thinking that 2 and a half years went down the drain and each time people asked once they know, all I could say is that I've no clue. It was never me. Finally found someone you love and would always choose to but you weren't the one for him. I only followed by after trying too much. Truthfully I never did got tired, still I couldn't say the same towards the ache of it. It's hard to phrase when you've lost it all and difficult to admit to missing the things and people who found it easier to let you go, when after awhile you most likely learn not to.

It had me thinking and believing that maybe this will always be how it is with me, that no matter what or who, no one will ever stay with me and I in a way or two no longer want anyone to if I'd like to be fair, knowing they wouldn't want me at my worst and that perhaps, everybody deserves better so I'll let them have it. Guess you're either too young or too late while I'm just wrong all over the place. We said forever and always. I once believed that forever. I once believed this would be different and I for once, surprisingly, believed in him.

I've always wanted to be there, now for him to be happy. All I've ever wanted was for him to be genuinely happy. Never alone, never lonely, this time, just happy. Forget our plans. Hoping letting go was the best decision he made for himself, and that he's happier now. I could still love him if I didn't believe someone else would look better by his side, hoping he finds his "best". Because he was mine and I thought that was fine.

-riri-

welcoming hell(o heaven).

It never lasts long, they leave, it doesn't.
Always creeping back in so suddenly.
I'm never really ready.

One thing leads to the other, one thought to one destruction. After what happened this morning, I got it figured out. Perhaps I already have, just this particular morning, I was sure of it. Subconsciously I am afraid of going back to how I was, to go through everything all over again the way I had over the past years. I can't remember how it was before it started. It feels like another life to me, like another universe I've never lived in. Yet I have. My memory is fading and distorting but each time it hits me, the ache's no different from the first time. I don't believe I'll ever be able to forget how everything feels like but I sure as hell can live most days as if it never happened. I don't wonder about the past the way I did 4 years back. So I'll be safe until the next time it slaps me across my face when I'm off guard. When I allow it to. Some nights, some moments, I still do.

It's rather perturbing how people around me act about it, it boggles my mind how it seems as if whatever was, never occurred. Or is it just me? Some days I feel like it never existed, as if I was never real. There are moments where I start believing it's all in my head, that I made it all up. Then again, I have photos, notes, and these posts as a reminder. I can't fathom how innocent everybody looks and acts, I can't comprehend how it is possible to not realise that their actions at some point has turned me into the person I am today and that they could go on with my state of mind this way, as if it was always on me. They might have forgotten. They might have not known. And I often push the thought aside, sure of how it was indeed, my fault. Forgive me for not being able to do the things I should, knowing I'd be on my own the most the way I was. You don't get it, that I have to stay sane. Silent at the beginning, later on violent, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't shut down. I couldn't stop myself. 

These days I can't even ki- does it even matter when the stronger you get the weaker you feel? Better, but it has never yet went away even with time the way they all say that it would, and your mind has the thoughts that once killed, running in circles in your head waiting for the perfect timing to do what it does best; you know what it is too well. I told myself not this year, this year's mine. This year is mine knowing it could be my last anytime. Living in the moment, getting through, learning, experiencing, loving and cherishing whatever I have before it becomes what I had. Nothing ever lasts, sometimes nobody wants it to. So before I let it all go again, let me collect the pieces of what is, was recently and could be soon. Because I too shall live pass it all, going through everyday as it is because yesterdays stopped having any meaning to me since the last time things broke me. Still it would always be there. I suppose.

I might not have it all planned out but I've got things to do, nobody understands anymore not that they ever did. I'm pushing myself to work harder, I'm lacking rest but whatever it is to take me away from whatever's holding onto my ankle desperately trying to drag me back down. Even when I wasn't, I learned that I always am alone. It has and would always be me, myself and I until one day, if I'm lucky enough to encounter one that actually stays. Screw empathy, everyone's calling me only when they're in need of something, assuming all is fine. I get nauseous over the sarcastic/pseudo "I guess/hope you're okay. I'm happy for you" bullshit. It's not like I can't see through the lines and hear all the lies. Sometimes people act like I don't know them. Funny how they haven't figured me out despite the time or years we've known or every moment I do open up. Doesn't anyone listen anymore?

What is it with the wreck, fragile and broken to always be wanting to fix things and save others knowing once they do, they'll be cut off and replaced by someone better to the ones they saved. People are oblivious and ignorant to the ones who never left, who have seen it all and chose to be by their side. These new people, they know you now, now that you're better, but those before them, the ones you let go of, we saw who you are as you, before you could even figure out what you're all about. Then again some things can never change, the way I have always stayed. The way I have always wanted nothing but to save despite me drowning. I learned from the best- the one who gets left and now, actually has left. They'll love you more when you're dead. Perhaps then they'll listen. But at the time being, you're the only one that does.

-riri-

labour day, the weekends.

01 May 16
Guess I'll be seeing him a lot this year.

I swear I sometimes forget our age gap. I don't feel my age, him the same. Together it almost never crosses our minds despite him talking about uni and classes. We went out at about 2am sitting at our usual place, trance by colours from a top of the building next to us. We moved to the other side sharing Wondermilk cupcakes talking about food again and that Krip Krip we never knew existed until tonight. I never knew how good massimo's duetto and mighty white's strawberry cream roll was too. We've been munching on bread, mentos and whatever we had and still, still we wanted more. "Ri, today kita keluar nak. Makan." "JOOM!!" I get excited each time. It's become our thing now whenever we're closing together. We spend hours - latest to 5 in the morning despite work the next day.

We somehow ended up talking about being married and finding (spending most of our days) time to hang out and have "fun" together pissing our spouses off. Like fuck all this shit, we were talking shit all fucked up we got so loud I swore the guards switched the lights on. "Ala relaxlah kita becerita je bukannya buat apa". Ah this time he drived, it was the first time for me. Him next to me I hi-ed him the way I do. I honestly love these sort of nights, our nights. We cracked up with my brother, funny how they could get along. Now even he says we're waiting for our brother when asked. "Um abang, memang abang aku." "Babe memang abang you pun okay. Wait you're older" and we'd just laugh at it.

We've already made plans for our next pay; tickets, hotel rooms, food, shopping, stuff. 2 more months left before it comes. Soon cafes, Ikea, memories and me living in what we have before it passes by as well. Here's to our impatient selves that bites and chews ice cream instead of licking it gone. Murukus and lemangss, here's to my current whatever-the-fuck and the bloody dead cicak on the ice cream I was craving for.

-riri-