could've, should've, walked away.

I don't know why he's with me
I only brought him trouble since the day he met me
If I was him, by now I would have left me
I would have walked away
But now I've broken away
Somehow instead he forgave me
He said a guy's got to do what he's got to do
Even if it means he denied himself the truth
Cause when you're in too deep you wake up when it's too late,
You've fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
'Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe
'Cause if you're looking for heaven, baby it sure as hell ain't me

So walk away
Walk away,
Save yourself from the heartache, oh
Go now before it's too late
But still he stays

He's standing in the heart of darkness
Saying I know you got a soul even though you're heartless
How could any man in their right mind be so blind,
To find something this safe
Instead of walking with me he should have walked away

He finds colour in the darkest places
He finds beauty in the saddest of faces
For such a clued in, headstrong city guy
Could've had the world but he's fallen in love in the worst way
And if you don't go now then you'll stay
'Cause I'll never let you leave, never let you breathe
'Cause if you're looking for heaven, baby it sure as hell ain't me

 A bit of The Script's Walk Away lyrics changed.
It just perfectly describe how I am with farfar.

-riri-

it is what it is.

"What's your problem?"  they asked.

"Everything" I'd answer

"Like what?"

"Like me."

-riri-

never ending.

1 year down the drain
2 years down the drain
3 years down the drain
4 years...wait, she's gone.

I am getting the feeling almost all my post are about the same few reasons but I can't help it, it's always there, it's always the reason. I know they say it's up to me to change but I can't do it alone. I live with the people who turned me this way. How am I to change when every time I try, I get pulled back down to where I started?

I totally lost it. It's like living multiple lives and being everything except myself. It gets so hard at night. I don't get how is it even possible for someone to have their mind completely blank but to feel so much emotions at once; excruciating. I'm completely fine I would say, just a tad bit depress, maybe a bit more than I would know. I catch myself laughing and talking and making jokes to create a happy environment around me at school because I like seeing people laugh, I love how happy people can get, I just love knowing that they're okay with me around even if deep inside there's just nothing left. I wish I could show people how I really feel but I can't and I don't even need to try to. I just don't know how to be so down around people, especially the ones who don't know me. As if I was raised to hide myself, to show what they want to see, anything that would pleased them just so they won't worry. I just don't want anybody's day ruined because of me. I'm okay with it tho.

But then comes a time when they have/need to leave me alone to do what they should whether it's schoolwork or just meeting up with their friends and that's when I am me again. I wonder if anyone had ever noticed, how drastically my face expression would change at that very moment. Or the emptiness in my eyes, and the blankness in my face. It's when I walk behind my friends or when they're eating and talking to each other at recess and I'm just in the middle of it, staring into space. I hear them, but I don't listen. When it starts to get obvious I smile and crack a joke so they'd forget about it and I continue pretending.
But I'm okay.

-riri-

how do i stop?

I just woke up,
Still sick,
With him on my mind.

God, I can't be doing this to people. I can't be pushing them away thinking they need & deserve better, one day, just to realised I need them in my life, the other. However what kills me more inside would be on how I feel for myself when I'm around them. By that I mean how much I find that they don't need me, because I don't want them to even when I wish they would. I just don't want anyone to have to make their life even more difficult by having to put up with me. Especially not the ones who already had an easy life before me, or those who were already happy initially. No matter what people say I would always hate how it gives me the feeling that I'm just another stubborn forever-sad burden to them that, won't ever listen to any advises given when deep inside I have always tried and failed endlessly. I guess I just stop being the one who goes to people for help, I'd rather be the person whom people go to than the other way around. And I know what turned me that way. When you've been called a burden almost constantly before, by such an important family member, you have this idea in your head that even if your family finds you as a burden, why wouldn't anyone else? And so, another insecure shit was born.

I know it brought me to being this: a person who barely trust anyone anymore. And I can't let go of being this way. I just wished people didn't blame me for it. Or maybe it is my fault for letting things happen to me, for being so naive? But I've always find it better to be hurt than to hurt others. Another obvious reason why I don't let anyone in. It might hurt them at first, but it saves them from an everlasting pain with me. There's a difference between people who really care about me and those who tells me they care - those who I've trust and let in into my life, and the ones I can't ever really give myself to. Or maybe it's those who have went through so much with me and have seen me hurt or have been there for me when no one was around, are the ones who really care. It's them who were there through the phases I went through in life that I stick to and new people, those who came when my life was a bit calmer than it ever was, I find a bit hard to let in.

When I hurt, so does the people who care about me and when they do, they try to help me, but they can't. It hurts them to see me hurting even more knowing they can't do much to help. Which also means I've already killed two birds with one stone when they get hurt seeing me hurt which hurts me more and when trying to fix me fails they hurt knowing they can't help and it hurts me how because of me hurting, I end up making them hurt as well. And last but not least, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt one of the nicest guys I have ever known. I don't want to be the reason he turns into most of the people I've known; the ones I've damaged, hurt and destroyed. Just sometimes, I can't help myself.

All this cold shoulder treatment with the ignoring people part and making them confuse of how I really feel about them or even myself, made me realised that I've just turned exactly into the person once known as mine, someone I used to try to understand but failed,

damn.

-riri-

a bit of persistence.

I guess they're starting to get worried, of me not eating
They think I'm on a diet. Then their mentality of "diet" is crap
I just, really, don't have the appetite to eat. Sometimes I do
but when I do, I don't. If that makes sense.

I keep myself lock up in my room. I try to study but I don't. I don't even know what I do but time past just as fast. I get hungry so I go to the kitchen, take a look at food and get sick. The first bite fills me up, if I chew on more I might just vomit it all back out. So basically this is my daily routine.

There are random moments that makes me a bit happier tho. It's the little things. Like this evening, I was so tired and sick I fell asleep and woke up to my brother handing me food. "I'm not hungry", I told him. "No no, eat this, it's good for you. You have to eat!", he said and he didn't leave the room until he saw me eating it. I wouldn't, but, he made it for me, how could I say no? It felt nice, it's always nice when someone shows you that they care. I don't eat or get out of my room much but sometimes I do, when people ask me to, just to have me around. It makes me feel like my presence mean something. Like how my brother would ask me to accompany him eating because he doesn't like to eat alone and I would, because if I didn't then he wouldn't eat. Sometimes he would ask me to join him eat and I'd refuse, sometimes he would push me to eat I guess because it's nicer to eat with a person than to just be accompanied by one so I would end up eating.

Sometimes I like it when people force me to eat or tell me to do things for my own good in a way that shows how they care sincerely. Maybe I just, we all do, love to be noticed.

-riri-

wrong idea.

"People don't understand"

"How can anybody understand you when you don't tell anyone what's wrong?"

No, it's not it. I'm not talking about just anybody. I don't care about anyone else or the people I know nothing about. I don't care if the whole world doesn't try to understand. By people, I mean the ones who should, the ones I try to make understand, the ones that are close to me, the ones that should be there for me, the ones who tell me I can count on them, the ones I call family or friends, or just simply, the ones I trust. Sometimes even, the ones who turned me down, who brought me here, to being the person I am today, the one I wish didn't exist.

-riri-

feel me.

I sometimes can understand how people feel without them even telling me or with help of even just a little hint of information they manage to fill me in with but no one has ever been able to understand me fully, like a book carefully analysed from each line to each page. Well I shouldn't expect them to. Maybe I'm a bit gifted, with a curse able to cure others. It's ironic, because I hate mostly, maybe even everyone. Maybe reason being that I myself find it hard to express what I have inside by talking about it especially when it comes to talking about my actual feelings so I know how it's like for people who have the tendency to jumble up their words or sentences when they're talking about theirs.

I used to be so good at talking until one day, something hit me that I'm better off with my mouth shut. I was never good at talking since then. I can never talk about myself or my life and the past without getting teary, at times even end up crying. Shows just how important communication is. Because it's just that hard for me to do so. Instead, I write it all out. No voice, eye contact or even facial expressions required.

It gets lonely sometimes, to feel like you're the only one left in the world. No one would waste their time to understand. To most people, what I say, think, or how I see things are either preposterous or just utter bullshit. I don't mean to burden or disappoint anyone by being the way I am, I never planned to grow up that way. I just really, can't help it. So I constantly get mistaken for being self-centred and as they say, too full of myself. It's like the empathy I have for people is useless, it ends this way anyway. I guess no one ever had the thought of putting themselves in my place for once, ever crossing their minds.

Too young to be depress they would say.

Neglecting the fact that it isn't much about the physical things I have to go through in life. It's the mental and emotional torture they put me through. After all, they wouldn't understand because they're too blind or maybe selfish enough to not notice how they're the reason behind it.

No one would understand.

-riri-

with me.

And when I feel alone, I imagine you here with me
Holding me, hugging me tightly,
Because I know you want to be there,
Even when I myself would rather not be there,
With me.

-riri-