there when it isn't.

It is in the evening, or the afternoon if you prefer,
coming home from school, or being dropped off at home,
left alone maybe, is when you can feel the difference.

Either calm or lonely or maybe a bit too quiet. Maybe even all of the above. In school, in class, outside, in public, it all feels the same whether or not you are in a crowd or walking alone. Nothing felt missing. Nothing to lose nor there was anything to gain. However, here, you feel a slight emptiness, a longing, something missing, something rather, different. That's how it is with the people you love.

It isn't about what they do or how much they say, it's their presence. Their vibe, that aura, that comfort, that familiarness, the feeling of home I could say. In that particular moment of silence, is when you know.

-riri-

i wish i knew.

If I could tell you how I feel about you,
I would be sure to mention
that although you are a sweetheart
that although you have charisma
that although your shy smile makes me forget about the sky
that although when you tell tales I would wish for it to not come to an end
that although I cannot deny that I get excited over you starting the conversation
that although I wish my days to come are to be spent with you
that although there are days where I wish you didn't need to go
that although whenever things seems bad it is worst without you
that although some nights seems so empty without you
that although I imagine scenarios in my head of you and I,

that I do not,
for some reason,
like you.

If I could tell you how I feel about you,
I would be sure to mention
that although sometimes you're ignorant
that although sometimes I want to cut you off
that although sometimes I can't even look you in the face
because it hurts
that although sometimes I wish it wasn't just stories, but things deeper
that although there are days where you start talking with the wrong words to begin with
that although sometimes it hits me that you couldn't stand me for too long
that although there are days where I wish you would just walk away (but I don't)
that although sometimes when things are going bad,it hurts more when you can't notice
that some nights I realised you could be better off without me
that although I am aware of how I can never be the girl you need in my mind

that although
I for some reason,
do not like you,
I can't deny the fact,
that I genuinely,
love you.

that although
I wish for there to be a reason to,
I do not have one for I just simply,
love you,
that inexplicably,
I just do.

I just love you,
I fucking love you.

-riri-

what a mistake does.

Mistakes, some forgivable, some not quite.
Mistakes, some learned from, some repeated.
Mistakes, some making sense, some illogical.
Mistakes, some subtle, some too much.

Mistakes, some you can just let go of, some you have to face the consequences. These mistakes you do depends on who you do it upon. You need to realised what you have done and sometimes, even, make up for it because you don't know how much it could affect a person. The way you trust someone enough not to do a certain thing and one day they just do. It's not that easy to forget about it, to be fine with it to not let it bother you when in fact it does. Because the fear of it repeating scares the shit out of you. Do you understand how that is?

I guess, this is back to your history but with different people, same promises. Trust issues isn't something to make fun of or play with because it gets you paranoid, timid, it's frustrating that no matter what you know or how much you wish you could, you can't. Especially when you've open up for once and like the other times that made you who you are today, you are let down again. So tell me how do I do this again and teach me how to trust with all that I have one more time but God, let it be with the right person once and for all because there wouldn't be a next time. I'm guessing, is also a reason for me to hold on, and tell myself that this one is true, because this one came to you. It does not take away the fear, still. I am scared to the bones, still. I want to leave before I am left. I don't think I could stand the same kind of pain and betrayal, again.

But one more chance world. Just one last chance from me world. Simply, because I can't let go of this guy. Simply, because I know I can love him better. Just because I love him, still, simply.

-riri-

management derangement.

A year and a half to go.
That's it. Thats all. So go.

It feels like forever because of the things you have to go through just to get there but it's just in a blink of an eye for it to hit you that you're already there. That maybe the time you have wasted made the process faster than you thought it would have. Question is was it worth it or would you now be stuck in a state of regret wanting to turn back time and go back to finish what you didn't do but should had?

A's for the basics at least and I can already head my way, where this time the choice is mine to make and the decisions is in my hand. Had the idea straighten up and drilled to the back of my mind. It got me a way to escape. Unfortunately, the only way there is isn't the way I have hoped it would be.  It became really clear to me at night, of the days to come, the obstacles to overcome and when to do what I need to and where it should be done. Just, some things aren't as easy as it seems.

Morning came, so did the rush and the panic, the aches and once again, I just wanted the day to be over. I just wanted to sleep all the feelings away. Everything became blurry, all hopes, dreams, determination, purpose, the whole lot of it. That's when it hit me again, that I'm no longer that girl in third grade working my ass off for everything. It isn't as easy anymore. I can't pull myself together and simply just go with it. I can't push myself into doing those things anymore, it couldn't matter less to me now no matter how much I know that it should. That girl is gone, now here sitting at the back struggling to focus, to pay enough attention, to not zone out but all that's there is the body, no longer the mind.

How long are you planning to waste time and
drown yourself in that pithole of depression?

I don't know. I really, genuinely don't.

-riri-

episode 1.

Starting New.

This reminds me of myself, a few years back. To think you're in the right place until the day you meet new people. "They're not real friends, they're going to ditch you once they receive what they want", your old friends would tell you. Your old friends, they're good people. Straight A students. Does their homework, goes to school, never talks back to their parents, goody two shoes. But they're wrong. I mean we don't really know anyone until we know them and we don't really know how anyone really is inside as in what they think of you, until the day you're no longer hanging around with them.

You're gonna find it a bit awkward at first, in a new crowd of people. They don't do things the way your old friends would. You're stuck in between. Wanting to fit in, thinking you don't. If you were lucky enough, the way I was, you will soon feel more at home with them than you ever did with those before them. They accept you for who you are, we're all different individuals. They don't expect you to act or stay a certain way. It wasn't like they dragged hell with them with every step they took. They opened my mind to a lot of things, mostly good but some couldn't take that.

Your old friends, they've been talking shit about you since the day you decided to walk out on them. They've been looking down on you like you were freely deciding to throw your life away. When all you did was have fun a different way.

-riri-

S.C.H.A.R.Y

There were a few things lately, that kept reminding me of what used to be.

Us all as one; thinking last year was enough of a separation, 

when really this year will be the biggest.

Reminiscing the good old days and I'm like "Whaaat, man seriously, what happened?" I laugh at the thought of it. We knew what happened. We knew it was bound to happen. It just gets me thinking of reasons why it couldn't have stayed the way it did. We didn't belong, I would think. Maybe one day we would again, who knows. It was nice while it lasted and I gave my all. What is there to regret? Exactly.

I loved the purity of it. We weren't just together, we weren't just sharing inside jokes or stick throughout the good times and gone by the lowest of moments. We had other responsibilities outside, other people to get on with the minute we stepped out of our class but it wasn't the same as when we were together. Like lost siblings reuniting. It was as if we've met in another world, now once again relearning what we've already known all about.

What was said to any of us, stays between us. It was okay to trust. We didn't judge each other, even for the worst of sins. We weren't the kind of groups of friends you'd see these days. We told each other anything to everything. That's what made it all meant so much; the ability to let each other in and be apart of one another's life. I don't see that in a lot of things or relationships these days. We actually talked about important things, feelings, though it could sound a bit mushy or "touchy-feelings", it was human.

We all think it's so important to be all tough, we sometimes forget that we're human. Humans with feelings and weaknesses. That it's okay to be down in the dumps once in awhile. That it's okay to hurt.

-riri-

unexpected expectations.

25 january 2014.
Said to be my birthday by the looks of my birth certificate.
This happened the night before.
10 mins of heaven. 5 pass 10.

I like Fridays, I do but I've never like the thought of school on that day. I didn't have a choice this time wishing I had skipped. Left me the feeling of despair and for me to be going through this again every week I just- no. I've been living dead and empty. Is this the phase of this week or my heart and mind subconsciously hinting me of how things are going to be the way I wished it wouldn't and to get through it is to not bother- could be. All I wanted to do was cry it away hoping what goes out won't come crawling back in but it hurt to shed even a tear though I might have when I didn't need to, I thought.

Somehow it became a bit bearable talking to him and seeing him sleep. Ends with me sleeping as well. It felt good enough for a second I drowned into the thought of being with him, staying this way, always. I couldn't be more grateful for that. It's been awhile. This is one of those moments where I wish time would be put on hold and so this will last for eternity. Still time passes by so fast but at that moment it felt like every second counted, that it mattered to the point I forgot that the clock was even ticking. Calming, I supposed. He calms me down and that reminds me that it's not so bad at all.

Later that night he asked me to come out, all I had in my mind was "Out of where and to where?" "Outside". Heart racing but nothing to expect I opened the front door to see him standing there by the gate. I  took a few steps back in disbelief and after a few breathes, took the courage to walk out and surprisingly my eyes weren't deceiving me. The guy in white standing in front of me with this blue paper bag on his right and that smile on his face, was no one else but him. I pretty sure was still in denial, I mean how could it be? But it was.

Speechless and blank. My brain almost stopped functioning that the only thing I felt was this rush of everything under my skin if that even make sense but nothing really did at the moment except for the fact that he was there, and having him there felt like more than anything I could ever want at the time. It still seems so surreal until today. How could he even like why would he even like how could I ever?? I was overwhelmed, it was intoxicating. Real, that was the main thing- it was real. This wasn't something I daydreamed, imagined or fictionalised. All the way from Ampang just for that few minutes. Pocking him in disbelief, I didn't deserve all this. I never did or would be worthy of such but how could you let this slip. I just- exactly. Nothing could take this feeling away.

-riri- 

January 2014.

Isn't it a surprised to see me here, once again? I guess it's been awhile since I've actually posted anything. Ideas and feelings filling me up but gets left everywhere as I no longer can remember things the way I used to. I no longer write things down. I sort of just let it go. Soon to be forgottenyou know? Although I don't want it to stay that way. It's the only thing I could hold on to and share but now gone.

The end of 2013 aka the realisation of having to go through another year, a new one with nothing on my mind, no plans, no anything, kinds of scares me. It's amazing how I actually felt that adrenaline rush as I waited for school to start. I went a year or two with a cold-I-don't-care feel, forcing a "I just want to get this year over with" mentality. Why feel so much now that is? I'm not sure myself, but I have a feeling that this has something to do with giving this year a chance.

To say that I've lost so many people last year would be an overstatement when I hadn't exactly, it was mostly just me, myself and I. With a sprinkle of my babygirl, my boyfriend and maybe two or more friends (I guess?). I guess I have been a bit more disconnected. This year just starts with people going back to the ones they used to be closed to since primary school or at least the start of secondary while us, the ones they met on the way and soon became attached to, goes back to being just another distant memory. It's funny how things go but it all makes sense; in the end you go back to those you're meant to be with.

Things started bearable and fine at first as I made myself believed so. No sudden breakdowns on the start of the year but something is pulling me back, holding me down and I get emotionally disturbed by how it is starting to get to me. Over analysing and feeling too much would be an understatement. Now I pretty much feel everything, it drives me mad and confuse, just hopeless. The first few weeks were horrible; still nightmarish to me. I'm trying harder to get the hang of it; to get myself together again however it is overwhelming and difficult- I am urged to build myself a house underground and live in complete solitude.

I am unable to comprehend the sadness, anxiety, mixed emotions, unstable feelings and inconstant mood swings. It just happens when it happens and I hate how I can't even help it sometimes or how it affects the ones who tries to. It's been a hell of a ride. One that shakes you so hard you forget how to walk straight, let alone crawl. Leaving you paralysed.

School doesn't make it any better. I would say it takes my mind off things but it only adds more pressure, I'm afraid one day I would be sent to a mental hospital for all things I would say about school if I dare express or explain the exact feeling it gives out to me or how I see it through my eyes and mind. Every time people ask I just put the question a side. Honestly, why bother when everything I truthfully said in the past only leads me to another "You should be grateful". Even though it helps a lot less, it never really helped before either so I'll pass.

-riri-