room.

2:02am // 7 February 2020.

For guidance I asked Him,

A heart full of gratitude soften,

While my mind circles in thoughts.

Walking into a room with reminders of him in my face,

Light dimming to focus as memories start to click,

A madness down to breeze, comes in laughter to ease.

Unintentionally left behind, 

As an ironic sign as to what is, 

Would I forgive myself if I were to let to go of this?

-riri-

welcoming the year as a dead ass.

5:41am 29/01/2020:

As always after so long, each hiatus the same sentence I repeat: I haven't written in so long. In fact, I no longer write at all. Nor do I speak or act the way I used to. You know- how I aspired to. The kind I believed I would be able to.

It's funny. Of course it always is with me. Am I losing it? Yes, sure. Old in the new? Definitely. Someone else this time? Ah come on, everybody knows Ri. Dejecting. To be typing this. Disappointing, frustrating! Even so I shouldn't be. However it is better here than by mouth. It is better kept, than exposed. Isn't it a bore to admit once again, there is no good that comes out from this blackhole. Is there not at all a truth to come from this tongue? I shall believe not.

Life has been wonderfully unbelievable. I have so much more than I did before albeit here is where I lose myself a bit more. I am writing this a few minutes or a couple of hours into feeling empty. Pointless. Another self made burden. This isn't going to be beautiful. This isn't a writing full of prayer. This is me, in negativity. This is me thinking I should be dead. This is me, plotting my next suicide.

-riri-

aa toodle-oo.

It was never about how he left her for her.

Not that she was alright with him despite her.

Far from how both were joyous and not her.

It is how diligently and vigorously he fought back for someone he recently got to know over one who took so much effort to learn him. It is listening to him talk over you and about you with the intentions of having you realise that indeed you know nothing of the girl he is protecting as if he knows you enough to discern between what you are saying and what he perceives as you feeling, to be blurting such ignorance about the one he is shielding. With much vigilance he pays heed to every word said about her, more than he as ever in the times you converse over consequential issues between the both of you. It must be heartwarming to be the one loved more or so we believe. It's beautiful how head over heels he must have been and still is even so- it is not that still! You are unfamiliar of this stance taken, of this new found aggression. How much or rather how long, has he left you behind as he took the time to move on, to be the one to act out the way he does, making it clear that it no longer is you- how it has never been you, for far too long for you to have not noticed before or admit to. His intentions must have been pure oh so you make yourself believe, yet it is this heart that gets the playing and so what have it left you with if not the truth? 

It has always been you. 

Just you, and them, 

as they are with the world, 

as you are out of it.

-riri-

tiba waktu.

Ah sebentar, kelak aku kembali.
Kian engkau fahami.

-riri-

self collect.

02:10am // 27 June 2019.

You said that I taught you how to love and to be loved.

Suddenly the image of you and how it must seem within you, with how you told me of what you said about how I was able to do so, crossed my mind. You look so grown in that expect, me excluded as a contributing factor of course- I see you.

Only not physically. So popped in my mind of the fact that you moved into something else with someone new and how I get to think, over all of these thoughts and intruding emotions- the visions; I hope she gets to feel how you felt and what you learned.

The good you have left in you from all that you've collected throughout this journey, I imagine you joyous and in complete placidity and ataraxy. A much more fulfilling bond than the one with me, you make her happy! I figured. You have it all set up. That she makes you grin as much as you might with her. I'm not eager to know so I leave it be but I still hope so if it's meant to be.

Even if it all falls apart, I'm not to be the one who asks for such. I'm not one to break a girl's heart and you deserve what fills you deep down, unlike the girl who couldn't make you feel in return the sunray of your presence, you brought into her life, for when it still existed like the excitement in your eyes that soon faded(me)- It's not me, most definitely.

Still I pray, for whatever good that will have you content. Dunia dan akhirat.

-riri-

masked state of white.

Facing the mirror, a teary clown looking back.
You would think figuratively howbeit I mean literally.

What is so triggering, do I really not know? Isn't it those moments, as each of it before it passes: that I feel the way I do over fear and traumatic events I must have shoved at the back of my mind believing all is well over how physically, everyone is alright and we are moving on with life. Isn't it wonderful? How you're doing beautiful on the other side- ah but of course darling, definitely not. You could be guilt ridden as I am going slow pace healing, thinking, of ways to be more rational as it gets less of so. Yes, we can pretend. No, excuse me- I can. You are exceptional remember? Then again I cannot bother more. Talking about you is a distraction of how I should be thinking of myself and how the unsolicited sickness in my stomach emerges when I'm reminded by someone's reaction or the way things are said or mentioned; that I do not want to go there yet I am unable to speak of something so trivial to another just because it is vital to me, acknowledging how it will not mend the feeling in my gut. However I am to be gentle with myself enough to tell someone else even if it might not seem as imperative to them out of ignorance and insights I do not shine light on.

Up until I get to thinking, what is there to fix when you were never broken? Perhaps I can tell him and have us sit it out. Mayhap it is the presence is all I need. The validation of how this make sense, to someone else other than me so I do not end to keep talking to the same brick wall as if playing ping pong with half of the table upright and missing every shot, losing focus over the mind of the person in front of me being absent. Once again, it is not you, it is me. So I start taking steps back despite the urges to go forward over the same patterns I should grow out off. Every change takes me back to where I was I am more petrified than I would believe I could be over gradual growth albeit as I write this down, every energy inside of me is pushing me to jump off that cliff to dive into the next thing I'm bound to fall into when every experience a test if not a lesson, a gift or a fortune..so why do you cry still: searching for both pupils staring long enough that the damp from your eyes are not tears but from the lack of blinking-

Uncertainty inevitable as much as our inability to conceive an indisputable truth of what is to come, even so I am unable to put myself in the position of those unsure of the desire for me in their life. No, not again.

-riri-

boxed in.

I would prefer to howbeit at this instance I do not.

Mayhap it be the truth, how you will never know however my faith urges so.

How I wanted so much to yet according to you, I never do.

Will I let this go? Brainless for a question to what was never really present.

Know it could have been but never was.

As real, and in love as spoken of.

Imagined, has it ever been that we are?

As in love as we never were.

What is left, soon boxed up.
To you of that you desire, the rest thrown out.

Prospering the love beside you more than you have ever me.

As you do those you always had while I,
I will be of jubilance in serenity;

at peace with the offerings I am deliberately digesting-

Over thoughts no longer relevant and feelings left faded.

Admitting to the love you thought you felt,

the one I must have missed to had inhaled.

-riri-

bila masa.

"Yang dikasihi hidup dan pencinta itu mati."

Si pencinta membunuh, mangsanya hidup kembali.

SayangNya, cinta belum mati.

Moga kau percaya kembali.

Dengan izinNya

kan dipertemukan lagi.

-riri-

a circle's cycle.

It never goes right to talk and I myself, have not been writing for so long.

I can't make anyone understand that even if I do comprehend,

you might not agree to what I have in mind

over your own perception of what comes out from my mouth.

That this is how I stumble and fall; back to square one, it's as if I've done nothing at all.

-riri-

sober - mahalia.

I have to remind myself of how it felt. Now this feels some sort of similar to my previous time.
Said I'd packed my bags though how far has it been from there?

-riri-

loop.

I could only imagine myself being as ecstatic if he did pick up, instead when it occurred, for a moment I felt like all the weight on my shoulders have been lifted. Suddenly it was easier to cry. I really needed that cry. If only I were able to express how grateful I felt to be able to, before I gather myself back together as we ended it. I keep in mind that it's still different this time. I can't let him know. Nothing to hide, just why would it be a matter to him?

You don't have to believe it's love. I don't want it to be that myself. Miraculously, I still sense the warmth and a missing inside. Of course I tell myself it's only me. He's a sunnier day. I think it's contagious so it can't be what I would assume it to be. Until I looked back and realised it has always been this way despite the circumstances. How the only time I feel the opposite is when he chooses to turn a blind eye just to walk away. Now it sounds ironic and obvious how ridiculous this belief could be but I'm really tired of pretending or trying ways of everyone else.

I've always been wrong or out of place, too much or too little, this or that, whatever it is everybody says or believes I am. I want to burst into the sky and be done with it. I want to drown in my bed and sink into a blackhole but I was really happy. It's utter stupidity that it shouldn't make sense and it doesn't (though it does). Even so, it still feels nice to hear from him.

Suddenly my brain was on the move and I wanted to get things done although gradually breaking again, I was a bit more calmer than I was. Perhaps love just has no boundaries. I know it's the same kind to me, yet again, I tell myself it's just me. Aware it's not me he will ever love the same again. That he's better off without, and he wants me to believe the same for myself when it comes to him.

-

Well he sounded so fine; I wish I was able to be a part of that.

In spite of it I'm well aware it's no longer right for me to be.

-riri-

indecision.

Second hit, a bit lighter now. Head is heavy still, feeling as if it were being stretched upwards- sometimes the inability to feel is so much of a bliss. Partially insane, this need to retreat sounds like the escape of a lifetime. I'm just unsure if I have that much time. Violent tendencies, entities of my mind going in and out, dropping silent hints of negative although somewhat tempting ideas. Tying down the urges, I still feel like running towards the light. 

The end of the tunnel is always so bright, I'm brought back to days I last felt alive with what I no longer have. It's always hard to let go of what you are afraid you will wish to never encounter. I must have been mistaken to think it was anyone but myself I should fear the most. I know to me a bond that is cut to soon be destroyed is a broken mirror fixed by glue. Manageable, understandable, imperfect as us, however the reflection is what it is. 

How courageous are you to have let it go yet again, 

how brave can I possibly be to do it the way that suits me? 

My head continues to argue.

-riri-

kelakar.

15/04/18:933am.

At the end of each day, still the same;

"I sayang you".

Think you wish I didn't.

-riri-

plot twist.

5/3/18:617am.

Tiba hari kan kesedaran mulai timbul,

jikalau waktunya, andai kata takdir sudah tertera,

walau setiap saat diambil tidak mungkin dipulang mahupun diputar kembali,

setelah setiap satu yang dijelas berulang kali sehingga lali yang mendengari,

sekian lama aku menanti, jemu beria menidakkan yang iya,

dan pada waktu jantung aku hampir terhenti buat kali ketujuh puluh tujuh,

akan kembali segala memori yang aku yakini asalnya daripada kamu-

lalu mekarnya harapan bahawa segalanya sepertimana kita harapkan,

tiba masa aku bangkit semula namun mampukah aku membuka mata sesiapa,

jikalau mata kamu masih dikaburi segala yang sudah berlalu,

apakah tiada maaf bagiku atas segala yang hapus ditanam hari-

walau bagaimana pun seringkali tidak walau sekali, 

aku meminta, 

segala jenis derita dan neraka dunia ke atas kamu,

ketahui aku tidak pernah gemar walau hati aku kamu cemari-

sungguhpun masih tertanya, 

terperdeya,

ya bodohnya aku percaya,

pada suatu hari,

jika kena masa,

mungkin yang tiba itu lah dia-

ia lah cinta,

atau hanya

seorang manusia.

-riri-

kisah?

Jujur cakap la, kau kisah apa?

-riri-

old flame.

A brand new knife. The tiles overly tempting. A type of liquid to knock you out. Excessive smoking. Too much sleep or not at all. Appetite lost. Drowning in liquor. Smelling of garbage. Skin drying, breaking. Water consumption decreasing. Mental health receding. Vision blurring. Itching to move. Struggling not to. Focus disordered. Mind muddled, cluttered. Body thrown all over. Disoriented. Deteriorating.

"You don't love yourself"

Not that. But okay.

-riri-

a way out.

Slowly creeping up on me, I know it's calling for a home. Physically unhealthier. A bit ill, to be positive. I can never really be left on my own for too long before the tendencies start reemerging. I can see myself sinking 7 feet underground. The tranquility in letting it all go gives me some peace of mind but I am to hold on right until I have done it all and then, is when I go.

Everything has just been another distraction. I told you, I can't even focus. Stick to the plan every now and other day but I am dispersing as much as I make myself believe I am able to stand my ground and continue without breaking. Again I am so close to succumbing to the demons in my head but I tell myself that this time it is different. It's not like that, I just need a rest. I want to give up but I can't.

Sitting in silence, the noise gradually loudening. Spacing out, I know it's easier to enter me now.

Claiming I'm unable when in mind I'm off to go, I'm not trying to care about me now.

-riri-

in the lost, i'm found.

I want to know. Tell me every thing, every little detail of what you have in mind.

Tell me anything you want. Ring me, text me, say hi, I don't care.

Just be honest.

I'm not interested for small talks that lasts forever but goes nowhere.

I want to know what you have no one to tell, give me all you have got.

And I will remain silent.

Know how I am willing to listen. How I would help if I can.

If I need to, if you wanted me, though I'm better off with my distance kept.

You don't have to care.

Don't even bother, you are not obliged to. Only here for a good cause, I am not one to last.

I do not need another lie, I am not to get attached- you don't have to promise me.

I'll be gone before you realise.

//

Never left, just missing. You can find me if you're desperate, if you need me or if you wish to.

Because it might be too late when you finally come to acknowledging that I have always been there. Where you left me or when I left you, I will answer if I need to. And if the dial ends before you hear my voice, perhaps it's not me you need the most. Perhaps it's someone else. Or you just need you.

//

I don't care but I do, even if I don't know you.

You never ask, you don't try. Kept to yourself, a bit  too afraid.

How do you think I felt?

Unable to say all I previously shared but trust me if you want.

I might not be able to stay or give the same but I will be there.

Another friend nonexistent but here.

Imaginary, I exist when you believe.

Like the last bit of sanity and peace left before you hallucinate.

I'm only present when everything else isn't.

Right before it all falls into place and I'm absent.

-riri-

hakikatnya.

Arif berkata-kata,

balik-balik perkara sama.

Siapa sahaja yang mampu

sanggup

atau betul mahu

menampung tanggungjawab bersama?

-riri-

drawing the line.

If together we are as much trouble as we are more than not, but lunacy to you,

I hope without me, you find yourself where it is as normal and serene as you prefer it to be.

-riri-