some shit in need of deleting

I've been told how lucky I am before,

to get the chance to be with certain people,

or to be treated a certain way.

I know I am. I know how lucky and how blessed my whole life has been. I know the worth of each person I've encountered or got to know better, enough to have been making memories together. It ticks me off sometimes, to be told so. I get the point, but there are moments when the same words or sentence rings into my eardrums, it isn't what is said that I hear.

Like a subtle way to say that I am not fitted for the person, that the person is better than me and out of my league that they would kill to have what I do at the moment or simply just implying in how they say it- that I am not worthy or have done anything as much to be compared to what the person has done for me. As if what I've done before or what I'm doing is swept under the carpet to be left unacknowledged.

Not envy, nor is it pride. This inexplicable feeling of sudden-

I can't even say.

Maybe it's just me getting enraged to how other people's definition of lucky is what they see not knowing how it is beyond that. Wait no, at this point I'm just like fuck this. Why do I even try to explain.

It's just that they don't get it. I'm lucky not for the presents or the post or to be showed off. I'm lucky because a person loves me. Stays. Handles me. Accepts me. I'm lucky because I've gone through things with this person and we get through it. That this person chooses me over and over again and I can say so much about how and why I am lucky to have this person with me. It's never the looks or anything on the outside. It's the efforts and the wrongs we've right together, I sometimes wish it was that people talked about and looked up to, not just what they see and how it seems as if that's all it is. I wish people saw how beautiful this person is. But then maybe, I wish people saw me the same way. So is it all about me? Or maybe I just wish people saw it as a whole. Nobody ever really does. They never see me.

I don't think I know what this is about anymore.

I don't know anything anymore. Everything's just a mess