my boyfriend-

My boyfriend, he knows more people than I do whether he wants to admit it or not, because unlike me, he takes whoever in. I instead, if not cuts everyone off, I shut them out or better yet prevent them to even get the chance to say more words than I do, which most likely means none. My boyfriend doesn't know that if it was up to me, I'd flaunt him to the whole world if I could and tell everyone of how great of a person he is but I try so hard to restrain myself. I am not scared of being seen as obsessed, I'm afraid to have more eyes on him. I'm not much comfortable with the thought of people wanting him as much as I do, they don't know him and even if they do, I know I might not be able to compete. I am not normal nor am I like most girls he has encounter in life. I don't even mean in a resplendent way.

My boyfriend doesn't think he's good looking. Maybe now, different from a couple years before, he would at least reconsider. If he still wouldn't believe in such, I'm still sure it's true. My boyfriend doesn't notice the stares or glances. I know I'm not the only one. He wouldn't notice girls eyeing on him although I know that he knows too, that there are girls who do and makes it obvious to him. Girls would hit on my boyfriend, I know. Not me, I either intimidate guys and when I don't, I couldn't care less still. Not with him tho, from the first time I met him, I knew there were girls before me that saw him the way I didn't get the chance to first. My boyfriend says no one else wants him, he reassures me that I'm the only person who notices his existence. My boyfriend is bad at lying. I know girls. Even in secrecy.

My boyfriend, he likes curves. I don't have them. He likes skin. I prefer not. He looks at girls. He likes pretty things. He denies it. He believes he doesn't. Unlike me, I just like looking at him. I don't care how he looks like or who passes by, he's the one and only. Other guys don't attract me at all other than my guy. But he doesn't know that, even if I told him. I'm not him. I don't look at other people for the fun of it or because it's there, conveniently.

My boyfriend goes out. He does a lot. He has games, join tournaments. That which I have never yet to go to or see myself. He meets people. He gets to know them, even if it's a one day thing. He makes friends, he keeps in contact even if he doesn't exchange words with them any longer. He cares what they think. He doesn't know it, but he doesn't want to be forgotten. That's where I am beyond words different from him. My boyfriend is basically a reflection of who I was once in life. Now I can barely ever care about losing people I just got to know or even bother making new friends. I just don't go along. I have zero interest whatsoever. I'm unable to focus on creating bonds with anyone new, not that I would if I were able. To me what starts at one point, ends at the same one.

My boyfriend is my only real friend atm, I'm aware of how pathetic it may sound to you and the sympathy you feel for me (which is superfluous) or that I am just lucky to have this person who is faithfully devoted to me, and that of course, it must be a drag to have encounter me in life and have me privilege to be such a big part of it. I'm more than enlighten of how unfortunate it is to be with me. Never have anyone been more hapless. I'm a curse that's been blessed all my life. My boyfriend doesn't think so. He doesn't know how wrong he is. I know how erroneous I am exactly.

My boyfriend has been hurt before just like everybody else. My boyfriend tries so hard to understand why I am the way I am but a million words couldn't help him figure it out. He doesn't get why I get uncomfortable at certain things or why I can't explain the things he does that bothers me and when I do, he tends to omit most. I can't deny how it's my fault for my lack of mastery in communicating squarely and that just like any other guy, he might turn his head for a girl and just because I'm not interested in almost any guy at all, I shouldn't feel nauseous with jealousy just thinking of it. He doesn't see things the way I do and I don't blame him, we came from different backgrounds walking in different directions but somehow, miraculously came across the same path. Which has been amazing nonetheless.

My boyfriend, he doesn't get how much I love him. He thinks he does but he doesn't. He doesn't know how much he means to me or why I'm such a numbskull when with him and how certain inexplicable irrepressible feelings rise in me in rage or how things he could say or do would be able to break me down in a matter of seconds once the thought of it reaches my conscious mind. He doesn't get how petrified I get these days, or how much the past has been repeatedly coming back unwelcoming regularly these days. I get apprehensive and flurried about the littlest things that has never made me felt anything before. It's not just about the girl, a friend, tomorrow, him, or me, it's everything that's been eating me whole once before that I convinced I've blocked, dispose and cured, all getting back at me in one go.

My boyfriend doesn't get how damaged I've become yet I still manage to love him with all of my fucked up crooked incomplete broken pieces of all that I am and that I wouldn't trade it for the world if he'd just realised that. Just take a moment to grasp that.

I think he forgot.

-riri-