a way out.

Slowly creeping up on me, I know it's calling for a home. Physically unhealthier. A bit ill, to be positive. I can never really be left on my own for too long before the tendencies start reemerging. I can see myself sinking 7 feet underground. The tranquility in letting it all go gives me some peace of mind but I am to hold on right until I have done it all and then, is when I go.

Everything has just been another distraction. I told you, I can't even focus. Stick to the plan every now and other day but I am dispersing as much as I make myself believe I am able to stand my ground and continue without breaking. Again I am so close to succumbing to the demons in my head but I tell myself that this time it is different. It's not like that, I just need a rest. I want to give up but I can't.

Sitting in silence, the noise gradually loudening. Spacing out, I know it's easier to enter me now.

Claiming I'm unable when in mind I'm off to go, I'm not trying to care about me now.

-riri-

in the lost, i'm found.

I want to know. Tell me every thing, every little detail of what you have in mind.

Tell me anything you want. Ring me, text me, say hi, I don't care.

Just be honest.

I'm not interested for small talks that lasts forever but goes nowhere.

I want to know what you have no one to tell, give me all you have got.

And I will remain silent.

Know how I am willing to listen. How I would help if I can.

If I need to, if you wanted me, though I'm better off with my distance kept.

You don't have to care.

Don't even bother, you are not obliged to. Only here for a good cause, I am not one to last.

I do not need another lie, I am not to get attached- you don't have to promise me.

I'll be gone before you realise.

//

Never left, just missing. You can find me if you're desperate, if you need me or if you wish to.

Because it might be too late when you finally come to acknowledging that I have always been there. Where you left me or when I left you, I will answer if I need to. And if the dial ends before you hear my voice, perhaps it's not me you need the most. Perhaps it's someone else. Or you just need you.

//

I don't care but I do, even if I don't know you.

You never ask, you don't try. Kept to yourself, a bit  too afraid.

How do you think I felt?

Unable to say all I previously shared but trust me if you want.

I might not be able to stay or give the same but I will be there.

Another friend nonexistent but here.

Imaginary, I exist when you believe.

Like the last bit of sanity and peace left before you hallucinate.

I'm only present when everything else isn't.

Right before it all falls into place and I'm absent.

-riri-

hakikatnya.

Arif berkata-kata,

balik-balik perkara sama.

Siapa sahaja yang mampu

sanggup

atau betul mahu

menampung tanggungjawab bersama?

-riri-

drawing the line.

If together we are as much trouble as we are more than not, but lunacy to you,

I hope without me, you find yourself where it is as normal and serene as you prefer it to be.

-riri-

pecah.

5:58am.

I keep catching myself arguing with the being no longer there.

Haven't you heard, how we still debate the way we did a few months back.

My questions answered by all that were previously said, that I took so long to recall-

I always go back to where I begin; with you there is no ending.

I can never say anything when it comes to this

I've never been more of a dog-

These are figments of distorted memories;

I do not compare you but what difference does it make if I knew, when I'm still the one to feel all that I do.

It's blasting on full volume, erupting inside me- still I am incapable.

What use is what's on my mind,

what good does it do for you?

//

This is glass falling from the 35th floor-

this is light before sound

where I crashed before

you could 

hear me 

howl.

-riri-

smoking circles.

5:44am.

Mind in space and time, music playing in the background on the side. Hours where it's calm, safe and silent before starting life like a chore once more. Mornings like night, still having use for lights, moments lasting forever before it ends and how I am not ready to wake just yet.

Same thing said, repeating like a prayer till you believe it. I never denied myself as much as I do with you. Keeping in mind how in the end I always get through, I sometimes still wonder how hard was it for you if it was really worth everything you have bet for: if it all feels just as right to you. Knowing where I stand, I can't seem to exactly put a finger on it: what brought me into believing I was a part of what you would have kept and brought along with you.

"It's not time."

It never is.

like the first but least, last to be.

Emotions aside: I'm better off without, now.

Give me some more time to let me become the person I've never gave myself the permission to be. The person I was once was but improved, whether or not it's in a good way to you. It's not the moment to think about it or anything at all that touches me and in time perhaps, if He wills, as it must if it is meant to, I will be over it.

I am on my toes, almost afloat to vanish. I am seeking calmness in what has always been with me. A home so wicked my love is filled in it. I don't want to but a thought is arising. A plan is working it's way around my head to infest my universe with what I believed I've thrown. Said go find home, say I'm on my way there. Where you left me if needed except this time different. So familiar, how many more times do I have to say the cliche and expected. I don't want to bother where I'm not needed. 

So much of a drag, I should get going before I say what you prefer not to listen. I don't take to heart the things said though I remember every word. Even if I do, I don't want to know. I can't be the one to be so eager to find out anymore. It's not wrong to so head your way if it's the best for you. I am so tempted to let go of most of the human in me. I almost am so willing to let it burn to the ground if it wasn't for how I am latched on to you. You don't get it that I don't want to be but I am better off without it all. That I am not afraid but I can no longer let anyone see my fall.

If you knew how much I wanted to still be all that I have become but more, even so I can't have this the way I did before. I can't let anyone take parts of me just to leave it all scattered on the floor. I can handle this, I can pick myself back up, I will. This is not the first time; everybody wishes it would be the last however I cannot guarantee that. I can't take the judgments. I start finding it more difficult thinking about him without seeing myself the way he perceives me through his words.

How can you allow yourself to take in every particle of that who isn't even able to see past through you. I don't need the acceptance but how could I be with a person who ends to find me unacceptable every time, if not the guilt felt back towards themselves which brings us back to nowhere. What use is there to believe in something meant for two to work, as if you're the only one there is. Told me "let go" way too many times before: that's my cue. Guessing  I will. Still here, I know. 

Hope you call when it's time. 

Perhaps I could just be right.

-riri-

ready set.

It feels so much like Raya,
all the saddest ones compiled in one.
Except that this time I'm alright.

I think it's dying again.
I'm going on a rollercoaster death ride.

-riri-