starting old.

I guess I should be used to it by now,
with how things around here work but no,
I'm always hoping for it to get better,
waiting for the day things would change.

When I know it would never.

People, not generally speaking really, I mean the closest or at least important to you or you should be significant to. The one you live with or have gone through life with, so and so. "Family zone", they'll care, really care from the core of their hearts and pay attention, when you are either dying or too much of a burden to handle. That's how things are when you never bother to learn or understand the person next to you. Knowing them for long doesn't prove that you do.

Like that one point where I totally have stopped living, when the only thing I was left doing would be breathing. They worried then. Not much of because they want to or just naturally did honestly, even if that's exactly what they have made themselves believe, but rather because it would have affected the things soon to come. Like my future. Or for me, from what I learned, what everyone else thought of it. I never cared much or at least learn to not bother of what would and should never bother to me but to adults it's not the same thing. Everything seem to matter, except for me, for what was real and to me important. Family, understanding and love, that kind of passion and trust. It never occurs to things or people these days. It breaks my heart and aches my bones to think about it.

They think what I have is just another phase, like everything else that affected me so deeply. I don't wake up every day and have the power to decide that today would be different and just like that, like magic, everything would be, so easily. I have to wake up every day if I even sleep- lately I've been having trouble with that again- and plan what I would do the next day or wish I could and try with all the will I have in me to make it happen, only, if I don't have a melt/break down the next day. Everyday is a decision I have to make and a struggle to get through in real life, not the kind of simple life I've long created in my own mind to distract myself from reality.

To them I've now recovered, at least better than I ever was a couple of months before. Lacking knowledge for how it's just the beginning of a new problem. I've caught up a new disease and I can't even point a finger on it not knowing if it's even true or made up in my delusional destructive mind. No one is going to know until it's too late the way it always will be.

The worst part is, in the process of finding out, realising and noticing, is when all strange habits or so-called mood swings and selfish attitude along with the sudden act ups, everyone is ignorant and oblivious to so much that it will soon break me for every time a finger gets pointed at me. I can't handle that, as much as I can't handle explaining what people should already know and get by now.

-riri-

.

how do you tell the people you love that they are the greatest thing that has ever happened to you and you live for them and is grateful for all the joy that they bring into your life but, that you are secretly planning to kill yourself, without breaking their hearts?

-riri-

nighty night.

Then comes the time where you are fast asleep
while I am on the other side of this state, wide awake
there is no one else on mind
nor are there thoughts of things mostly unrelated to you
I wonder how it feels like to lay next to you
close enough to feel your skin brush against mine
and have you sleep soundly so close to me
to know that you are there
to feel your presence
and breathe in your air
I would stare at your features
and play with your hair
Thanking god for every second we have
and to all the memories we had

or maybe not at all.

My mind would be stuck with the thought of you
here in arms reach, in what seems to be such a vulnerable honest state
and know, just know that you are exactly all I've ever wanted

and I couldn't ask for more.

-riri-

do i wanna go?

People are so afraid of being left,
but for me, there comes a point,
when you have lived and loved,
although it might not be enough,
you fear leaving instead,
hoping for no regrets.

I always feel like it won't be long for me but then again, I'm always here and it bugs me how I am, it sometimes freaks me out more to wish I was gone more often than it is to see me live. What I dread most isn't really any of both, but how one day, I might myself, just finally find the strength to do such a cowardly thing and go. What if, today is the day?

-riri-

"family zone".

It's how 98% of people take advantage of their family, be it parents, a good sister/brother, grandparents, wife/husband or all of the above. Either people realise it but forgets all about it the next second, or they never do. Thinking or having it set in mind that they would always be around. They won't. But because of that mindset, they somehow, most often becomes less significant to you whether you would want to admit it or you don't. Most likely because you're either chasing or keeping someone else's attention and the need for them to stay. Unlike family, who usually have been there since forever. The kind of attachment you can't really cut off even if you have tried to.

I used to be taken aback whenever I get left behind, forgotten about or ignored when it comes to family. Especially when I know to these very few people, I would put them above everything and not only because I have to, but because I want to and I feel like it's what I would want to be done onto me if I were to be in their place. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how important to me a plan is, if it were to them, I'd give it all away. But so rarely have I ever been as important to people as I try so hard to make them that fundamental to me in my life.

Mistakes I know I've made and learned from, same goes to the times I've unintentionally went against my principles but the moment I notice it I would get back on track. I know how it's like to feel a certain way or be treated the same way so god forbids anyone else to go through the same. Too bad not all lessons are learned or comprehended the same way and not everyone goes through the same or would understand.

Sometimes it saddens me, it disheartens me and all I want to do is give up and throw them aside. Treat them exactly the way they treat me, give them a taste of their own medicine. But I'd rather be treated the way I would never treat others than have it the other way around. I would never have the heart to anyway, not to family, or even the people that are family to me. We can never really change anyone without their own consent. Why would we change ourselves to go just as low to their level?

Though I can't deny, there are days much often lately, where I wish it was them instead of me so maybe they'd know, and for once, realise the things they've took for granted.

-riri-

4.49 a.m, don't let me go.

You don't know how badly

I wish I could come around

and hug you as tight as I can

before I go;

I want to squeeze you until you hear my bones crack

until you feel the beating of my heart

 through my sternum bones that's been pocking out of my chest

as you have your hands around what you thought would be my waist

but all you feel are railways like the ones for trains;

trust me how in silence I would bawl to realise I might never know

when would be the last time I'd get to see you

or if it's the last time you'll ever see me.

-riri-

bad things come free to us.

Do you know why I push people away?
Used to think it was to save them,
Once from me and who I was,
to only soon learn,
It was from who I could be,
When my family goes crazy.

It's never pretty.
Trust me.

-riri-

silent kills.

I was raised to believe
I never made sense, I lied
I was unbelievable, rather sick
Indirectly, very subtly,
I've been used, I am brainwashed

To believe all this has been my fault
To be grateful and kept quiet
Whatever that was done unto me
Or was said, should be kept
And left unsaid
Not to be shared
No
Not to be shared

After all I was a liar
After all no one would listen
After all this is just another phase
This happens all the time
This happens to everyone
This isn't a crime

This is just another story
Of the boy who cried wolf,
no?

I have asked for help. All my life I needed help, I wanted help, I plead for help but I've been silent by fear, believing what's never real. Drowning, suffocating, even tried dying. No one ever bothered, or noticed, and when I did reach out, no one believed me the way I expected they would.

Sod off.

-riri-