look at me now.

Friday 6 November 2015

one target, a hundred holes.

I thought it mattered to people,
the way it matters so much to me.

Thinking we were different.
Believing you could've been.

Not mad and not as wretched. I'd mention what it is but it's the kind of pathetic that gets all the lesson from the past laughing at me, as if I've never learned. Another lesson. Another lesson. Another lesson. Another lesson I sometimes get tired of learning. Answers, causes, all I wish to ever get to know on some occasions. It's still amazing to me how things work. How life flows.

Must have been something I did or said. Must have been me the way it always has been. I've never learned to stop blaming myself, over anyone who has left. I talk too much talk too little, share everything, I don't share enough, I'm emotionally vacant, I'm too damn depress all the time, I love with all I've got, I don't love at all, I get too ambitious, I have no plans for the future, I hold on too tight, I barely have a grip; I'm either too much or too little never just quite enough. Everyone's different but everyone's the same. Everyone wants to come around just to go away.

While I keep every photo every letter every bit of memory everything inside of me but myself. I get to be the one to have everything except for the one thing I want most. And it's okay. Life happens. Everybody tells me they'll never have a change in feelings but people change each day. While I'm just another person who hasn't gotten that chance to be the person who gets to say goodbye. I'm the one with the feelings that stuck by all the time. I don't call the shots, I received the bullets.

I've never loved anyone the way I love you,
you more than anyone else knows.
I wish it lasted for you. Still, thank you.

-riri-

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