holding back.

3:13/30/11/15

I would have said so much and a bunch more. So many things unspoken, so many feelings kept. I've never mind the part where I've to swallow every of my pride, just these days, fear has build up inside of me more than ego could possibly have had.

Always so petrified, reminding myself of where being daring has gotten me the last time. I felt myself as annoying, left embarrassed. Rather inane I suppose. Feeling exposed, as if everybody knew I was the girl who tried so hard to the point where it made me seemed desperate for the sake of someone who no longer loved me the same.

I can take joy in whatever I'm given as long as I keep my hopes down. I've got to always remind myself of where I stand now. That it only happens when it happens. That whatever I get is all I'll ever get, before the next time I've to let go of it all again.

It's kind of heartbreaking, wanting to tell someone how you feel, how you still feel, how it always has been but can't. This time, so genuinely afraid that if you do, if you ever try to, you're going to drive them away again. How you can't afford to do that. You can't tell how people feel about you when they were the one who left. So whatever you feel for them, doesn't matter.

When whatever you would do for them would never make a difference. However much love you still have for them wouldn't change a thing. Whatever you could possibly say in hopes to change how things are is nothing more but pointless. So you sit back in the corner and get yourself together, knowing you might never get this close to him again.

-riri-