So many things I want to write about, so little time. Maybe one day, when things aren't as hectic. If I still remember, if I would still be here.

-riri-

macam kucing.

"Kucing kalau nak mati, dia lari"

Mungkin, satu hari nanti
Aku pula yang lari.
Bila aku lari, kau jangan cari.
Bila dah masa, mungkin aku kembali.

Mungkin
Mungkin
Mungkin juga
Tidak sama sekali.

-riri-

floating feelings.

"Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you because one day you may realised you lost the moon while counting the stars". Well, she lost the moon, by losing you.

Things have gotten out of hand I know (actually I don't so correct me if i'm wrong). Thinking one second things are finally falling into place and next thing you know, it's all in pieces. Seems like she loved you but not the way you did. It gets you thinking if it would have been better to never have known each other. To see the person you care about and love sincerely, moving on the second she slipped away from your grasp seems almost surreal. Doesn't it just mess with your mind and feelings? Thoughts like whether she really did love you or if it was just another game; if to her, you were just to past time floats around your head inside and out. But I don't have the right to say. We all have our reasons.

Just so you know, it's not you, it's her. You did your best and I know you when it comes to that, you're great. Amazing and awesome as always. Yeah a little awkward but you know how to make her smile I bet. Because you once did that all the time for me. I hope you realise that there's nothing wrong with you and you're just perfect the way you are. Maybe she couldn't see that. She failed to see the person you are inside or could have been for her sake. That's her lost. If she stayed and knew you the way I did, she'd probably regret ever leaving you. She had mistaken rocks for diamonds and threw away the real deal ((you)).

"I will always be by your side and support you whenever"

Remember when you said that?

See, you're that kind of guy. You're the kind that keeps things to yourself but you're willing to hear other people out. You're willing to go out of your way for the people you love. As I said before, which ever girl that gets you is a lucky one. Too bad she couldn't see and appreciate you that way. To be honest, I was a bit mad when I found out. I just, I know we got a bit more awkward than we already were but I care. I just  don't talk to you much anymore because I'd start to wish you would share more but I know you can't. It breaks my heart to see yours break; to get to know you got treated this way, makes it worse. But I guess at least now you know what this is worth. That you are worth much more than this. You're going to be just fine froggy. Serious shit.

-riri-

together not.

A little something I found in my "sivik" exercise book.
Something I wrote early this year, I reckon :

We were bound to be together,
Both said it'd be forever,
Was it love or was it lust?
Could've been just full of doubts.

He had left, I was hanging,
As volcano's of emotions start erupting,
Things change when we wish for it not,
And so the ones we learn to live with,
We end to live without.

See,
You took with you,
The me I used to be,
And left me crumbling,
Cringing,
Back into the,
Solitude,
Where there is no more me,
Or you,
Us.

-riri-

another love.

It breaks me, to see him broken.

He lays next to me, as he speak words deep from his heart.
Things he had said way too many times lately. Things he mean.
Things he can ever brush off. Things that hurt him so.
Things he wish could change everything, to how it was.

I wish she knew how much she meant to him and how deeply, insanely in love he is with her. All the shit she puts him through intentionally or not & all that he had put himself through just for her sake, I wish she knew. I wish she would see and understand that this isn't a joke or another phase to him. I wish so badly she knew, that this is meant to be worked together on. Not to be left hanging, with a closure too hurtful to rewind in mind before bed. If only she knew. But then again, I completely understand why. I understand why she is the way she is and I understand how he feels for her. I understand everything because just like everything else, it seems like things and events are all connected with everything and reflects everyone in different ways. Just like this, it reminds me of me, who I was, and the guy I'm now with.

But some things are too simple that it's complicated to understand. 

Some things you can't really put a finger on.

I hear the hurt in his voice. I see the tears in his eyes and the smile he tries to hold. I see how such a mess he has become and how his mind runs at night. I see the love he has for her when he speaks about how he wish he could turn back time, how he wish he knew where he went wrong. I wish I could help I so badly do but this isn't about me and I've got nothing I could possibly do but to listen and be there for what I can. He talks about her with feelings and expression and ways I have never seen before. Ways that prove nothing less than that he once and now still do wish to believe that she is the one.

"This is the girl you know? She's the one. I swore I thought she's going to be the one. She is just, so beautiful. No, really beautiful like inside and out. She's beautiful to me. Everything about her. I don't know what to do. She gives meaning to my life. I am now honestly, completely, empty"

She doesn't want to hurt him. Little did she know that this is killing him. "How do you know when a guy really loves you?", because I don't know how. I'm never sure if they really do because they all say they do but it never stays; the feeling I mean. "You know when he does things you know he wouldn't do for anyone else." He was right. However, I don't know a guy well enough to ever know if a thing he does for me, he wouldn't do for anyone else. This guy here though, I know him well enough and it's true. He does everything he could possibly do despite the trouble he gets himself into because of it, all specially for her. He would do anything for her. Love isn't even enough to show her or tell her how much she means to him.

If only she knew.

-riri-

one to go, the other to stay.

There's going be two guys. One that makes you happy and one that's willing to.

You're going to love the first type, with all your heart.

You're going to learn to love the second type because that's all you've got.

One guy, this one. This guy you're going to meet off guard but from mutual friends and without a second thought you're going to let him in. You're going to open up,get comfortable and let him make you feel things you thought you would never encountered at that stage; like you've never did to any other guy before. He's going to make you feel like you're the only girl in the world. This guy, he's the type that gives you butterflies at just a simple "hi". He's the guy you get head over heels for, the one you're going to fall for way too deep. He's the guy that makes you forget about your problems. At the same time you don't mind talking about your problems or insecurities with. This is the guy that won't judge you but also the guy you can't read. He keeps things to himself. That's his thing and according to him, your stories or life is way more interesting than anything his would ever be. He's going to be the guy who'll leave footprints and scars and tattoos on your heart, the one you're going to find hard to shake off feelings for.

Another guy, that one. That guy who you never knew existed that secretly had known you before you even knew he did and this time, things have changed. You have your guard up high. You push him away, to avoid getting you or him hurt. This is the guy you're going to find too nice to be true. The one with sweet words you'd find hard to believe. The one that makes you feel like a princess but you're not planning to get attach to. Sad but difference is, this guy is going to make you believe that he loves you because he really does. He's going to keep talking to you careful not to annoy you and he's going to try his best to get to your heart. Unfortunately for him, you no longer have one. He's not the type to give up, he takes you seriously. You're different. Seeing all his efforts, you're going to soften up and open the door to let him sit; to see if he could go through long enough to stay. You're going to realised this guy is just as head over heels for you the way you used to be on the last guy. You're going to show him how unworthy you are but he's going to take you as you are anyway.

He wants to prove you wrong,

that he's going to make you happy.

Because you make him happy.

Now,

Let,

Him,

In.

-riri-

i don't want to miss you.

They say if you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, then it's yours.
But, what if it doesn't?

Knowing how much he is worth and what he is capable of but why am I still where I am when I know this isn't where I belong. Someone who deserves way better than I can ever be in this state. However, seeing the breakdowns of a guy I know, reason being that the one person he gave his soul and heart to left, makes me wonder if he might end up the same way if I left. it's devastating and heartbreaking to see anyone in such a condition. Isn't it just amazing how beautiful yet hurtful love can be? Love for your parents, your country, friends, favourite boy band, anything at all. To see it slowly fading or crumbling in front of you really is a tight slap in the face or even a hard punch on the chest I supposed.

I am the kind to think about other people's feelings followed by mine at once. If I think about how I feel, I'd probably think of how they would feel as well or at least how they would feel about what I feel. That isn't the point though. The point is, you can't really have everything. You can choose one way; either yours or theirs. There's never really a right answer since everything that happens has it reasons to it.

I love him but hurt him. He says it's okay hurting to be with me than to hurt knowing I won't ever be his again. But I feel the guilt, each inch of it because I've been there and I know how it is like to be where he is. Ironically, I learn how it's like to be the ones who left me as well. Although I do not believe any of them or at least most of them were ever rational about it. I want to be the one to make him see things in ways he has never experienced, I want him to know that I am different in ways complicated but understandable. I want him to know that I won't be the one to leave and even if I do, it is for his own good and that I would never do such for someone else. I wish he knew how no matter what, I'm not the kind to leave and forget. That I appreciate everything he did and remembers all the good and the sacrifices, each and every one of them. I know what he does, just to make me happy. I know what he's willing to go through. I know because he reminds me of me. As always, who I used to be.

Sometimes it's like looking into a mirror. It saddens me because I might just change him into the person I am now and there is nothing good in that. If I ever let him go, I know, I might get over it if I really wanted to but I'd also know that I have lost the one person who was willing to make me happy when I know I might never be again even if it means that his needs were to put last. I'm going to lose the guy whom I know girls would die for to have. The guy from books and fairy tales. But then again, I don't believe anyone would ever love me as much. I never would believe, with who I've become today, that I'd ever be worth that much.

"Why do you do that? Why pick flaws from each and every guy you end up with?"

I don't. I just find reasons why not to be with them. Reasons why they shouldn't be with me.

-riri-

what once was fire, now is air.

They'll get used to you being sad that,
they are going to stop asking if you're okay.

Just like someone's death, they mourn for the lost for a couple of days, forgetting about it after a couple of weeks or less but there are few, so little amount of people that still remember and hurt over it. Those are the ones who truly did care and loved you. Maybe the one who was the closest or just the one who knows you better. See, they're going to worry at first seeing your changes and noticed (maybe) of how sad you've become that it shows on your face and how it loses its glow. After awhile they're going to get sick of you, or at least get so used to it that they figure you're handling just alright by yourself. Worse when, they don't even care the way they did then. After all, you're still going on with life aren't you? That's what they would think.

Even your loved ones won't notice sometimes. I hate when that happens, swear I do. Because it's going make to me hate myself more than I can ever be disappointed at them for their ignorance.

It's just sad how feelings change like that. You're going to realised that from now they're going to take the things you say lightly and that nothing sounds serious enough to be taken seriously with the tone you're using to talk to them (as if they don't know you never really am able to talk about it in a tone that indicates the importance of what is being said). You're going to start doubting things, like your importance to life as yourself, where you stand in theirs. It kills doesn't it? To need help but the only way you can get it is to cry for it in the silence of the night oblivious to the fact that you know well enough it doesn't work that way. To think that they would understand or that they finally get you but no.

Unfortunately for you,

the ones who can help,

are the ones who can't.

-riri-