room.

2:02am // 7 February 2020.

For guidance I asked Him,

A heart full of gratitude soften,

While my mind circles in thoughts.

Walking into a room with reminders of him in my face,

Light dimming to focus as memories start to click,

A madness down to breeze, comes in laughter to ease.

Unintentionally left behind, 

As an ironic sign as to what is, 

Would I forgive myself if I were to let to go of this?

-riri-

welcoming the year as a dead ass.

5:41am 29/01/2020:

As always after so long, each hiatus the same sentence I repeat: I haven't written in so long. In fact, I no longer write at all. Nor do I speak or act the way I used to. You know- how I aspired to. The kind I believed I would be able to.

It's funny. Of course it always is with me. Am I losing it? Yes, sure. Old in the new? Definitely. Someone else this time? Ah come on, everybody knows Ri. Dejecting. To be typing this. Disappointing, frustrating! Even so I shouldn't be. However it is better here than by mouth. It is better kept, than exposed. Isn't it a bore to admit once again, there is no good that comes out from this blackhole. Is there not at all a truth to come from this tongue? I shall believe not.

Life has been wonderfully unbelievable. I have so much more than I did before albeit here is where I lose myself a bit more. I am writing this a few minutes or a couple of hours into feeling empty. Pointless. Another self made burden. This isn't going to be beautiful. This isn't a writing full of prayer. This is me, in negativity. This is me thinking I should be dead. This is me, plotting my next suicide.

-riri-

aa toodle-oo.

It was never about how he left her for her.

Not that she was alright with him despite her.

Far from how both were joyous and not her.

It is how diligently and vigorously he fought back for someone he recently got to know over one who took so much effort to learn him. It is listening to him talk over you and about you with the intentions of having you realise that indeed you know nothing of the girl he is protecting as if he knows you enough to discern between what you are saying and what he perceives as you feeling, to be blurting such ignorance about the one he is shielding. With much vigilance he pays heed to every word said about her, more than he as ever in the times you converse over consequential issues between the both of you. It must be heartwarming to be the one loved more or so we believe. It's beautiful how head over heels he must have been and still is even so- it is not that still! You are unfamiliar of this stance taken, of this new found aggression. How much or rather how long, has he left you behind as he took the time to move on, to be the one to act out the way he does, making it clear that it no longer is you- how it has never been you, for far too long for you to have not noticed before or admit to. His intentions must have been pure oh so you make yourself believe, yet it is this heart that gets the playing and so what have it left you with if not the truth? 

It has always been you. 

Just you, and them, 

as they are with the world, 

as you are out of it.

-riri-

tiba waktu.

Ah sebentar, kelak aku kembali.
Kian engkau fahami.

-riri-

self collect.

02:10am // 27 June 2019.

You said that I taught you how to love and to be loved.

Suddenly the image of you and how it must seem within you, with how you told me of what you said about how I was able to do so, crossed my mind. You look so grown in that expect, me excluded as a contributing factor of course- I see you.

Only not physically. So popped in my mind of the fact that you moved into something else with someone new and how I get to think, over all of these thoughts and intruding emotions- the visions; I hope she gets to feel how you felt and what you learned.

The good you have left in you from all that you've collected throughout this journey, I imagine you joyous and in complete placidity and ataraxy. A much more fulfilling bond than the one with me, you make her happy! I figured. You have it all set up. That she makes you grin as much as you might with her. I'm not eager to know so I leave it be but I still hope so if it's meant to be.

Even if it all falls apart, I'm not to be the one who asks for such. I'm not one to break a girl's heart and you deserve what fills you deep down, unlike the girl who couldn't make you feel in return the sunray of your presence, you brought into her life, for when it still existed like the excitement in your eyes that soon faded(me)- It's not me, most definitely.

Still I pray, for whatever good that will have you content. Dunia dan akhirat.

-riri-

masked state of white.

Facing the mirror, a teary clown looking back.
You would think figuratively howbeit I mean literally.

What is so triggering, do I really not know? Isn't it those moments, as each of it before it passes: that I feel the way I do over fear and traumatic events I must have shoved at the back of my mind believing all is well over how physically, everyone is alright and we are moving on with life. Isn't it wonderful? How you're doing beautiful on the other side- ah but of course darling, definitely not. You could be guilt ridden as I am going slow pace healing, thinking, of ways to be more rational as it gets less of so. Yes, we can pretend. No, excuse me- I can. You are exceptional remember? Then again I cannot bother more. Talking about you is a distraction of how I should be thinking of myself and how the unsolicited sickness in my stomach emerges when I'm reminded by someone's reaction or the way things are said or mentioned; that I do not want to go there yet I am unable to speak of something so trivial to another just because it is vital to me, acknowledging how it will not mend the feeling in my gut. However I am to be gentle with myself enough to tell someone else even if it might not seem as imperative to them out of ignorance and insights I do not shine light on.

Up until I get to thinking, what is there to fix when you were never broken? Perhaps I can tell him and have us sit it out. Mayhap it is the presence is all I need. The validation of how this make sense, to someone else other than me so I do not end to keep talking to the same brick wall as if playing ping pong with half of the table upright and missing every shot, losing focus over the mind of the person in front of me being absent. Once again, it is not you, it is me. So I start taking steps back despite the urges to go forward over the same patterns I should grow out off. Every change takes me back to where I was I am more petrified than I would believe I could be over gradual growth albeit as I write this down, every energy inside of me is pushing me to jump off that cliff to dive into the next thing I'm bound to fall into when every experience a test if not a lesson, a gift or a fortune..so why do you cry still: searching for both pupils staring long enough that the damp from your eyes are not tears but from the lack of blinking-

Uncertainty inevitable as much as our inability to conceive an indisputable truth of what is to come, even so I am unable to put myself in the position of those unsure of the desire for me in their life. No, not again.

-riri-

boxed in.

I would prefer to howbeit at this instance I do not.

Mayhap it be the truth, how you will never know however my faith urges so.

How I wanted so much to yet according to you, I never do.

Will I let this go? Brainless for a question to what was never really present.

Know it could have been but never was.

As real, and in love as spoken of.

Imagined, has it ever been that we are?

As in love as we never were.

What is left, soon boxed up.
To you of that you desire, the rest thrown out.

Prospering the love beside you more than you have ever me.

As you do those you always had while I,
I will be of jubilance in serenity;

at peace with the offerings I am deliberately digesting-

Over thoughts no longer relevant and feelings left faded.

Admitting to the love you thought you felt,

the one I must have missed to had inhaled.

-riri-

bila masa.

"Yang dikasihi hidup dan pencinta itu mati."

Si pencinta membunuh, mangsanya hidup kembali.

SayangNya, cinta belum mati.

Moga kau percaya kembali.

Dengan izinNya

kan dipertemukan lagi.

-riri-