kari to my chapati.

1/5

When all is bland, he is the heat that burns.

Toned down, still there. Out of sight, still felt.

-riri-

the me in us.

20/4

-If you ask me I'll tell, even if it takes awhile.

Whatever happened, happened. However at this point sometimes I wish it hadn't. I guess whoever meets me later on just has to bear with the baggage I carry. It's funny how as time passes by, it looks as if it's so easy but we all know almost nothing is as it seems.

Some moments I can't help myself from tearing up or crying all together from looking at him. It's always difficult to balance the state of my mind, the trauma and after affect of what you've been put through, to think rationally and to use your senses when your insanity is triggered and to still be able to be true to who you are without getting anyone involved or hurt because of you.

Some days I still find myself denying everything thinking I know better. The thing is, what we tend to forget is the fact that at times no matter how prepared, if something were to happen it will and that either way, everything was meant to. I know that we know, yet we can't help but to feel what we feel. We can't always help ourselves. And I'm still hard on myself.

I hear promises a lot. They leave me as empty as they are at the end of each day. I know better than to put my hopes high, but I've always put so much trust in everyone I've been with. When all is in disarray I know it all goes back to me. What do I expect? It got to a point where I believed that was just how it was. That's how guys are. I stopped getting so surprised. My mistake was getting too complacent the last time. I thought he meant what he said. I see potential in everyone I get close to, thinking they could be different the way we all do.

Soon I barely took anything to heart. I listened but never believed anything enough to have had my hopes up high. I don't talk about the future as if it will be, I live each day as if yesterday never existed and tomorrow isn't any of my business. I never seemed to look serious enough to others. In their eyes, I was always playing even if I never was. But I've heard every sad story, every meaningless promise, every pick up line, every "I'm sorry, I won't do it again"- has it not yet been obvious how petrified I've become?

I used to get so jealous over all the girls my ex(s) used to check out. To all those who feels the pain of being the type almost never interested with the opposite gender and your loved one is drooling over everyone else. I tried looking at it from their perspective, made it clear that I could do the same without the intentions to spite anyone. I'll accept what I deserve when I know I could give more if I were given the chance to. These days I don't let myself think about it, I don't want to think about it. I come off as uninterested because of it. Truth be told I don't ever want to cause a scene. I know that each time I feel, I tend to.

I avoid crowds, I avoid thoughts of girls around my guy or anything related to it. I block everything out when I notice it slowly sinking in. I don't think about how anyone sees me or whether or not they like what they see. I make it to remind myself that it is none of my business. I don't want to hear what I lack, I'm aware of everything I don't have. You don't have to mention it, I overthink out of insecurities. I don't let myself do this anymore. I tell myself I can't be a psycho. I find it sad to say, everything has led me to believing that in fact, I am.

I know how it's like to beg for what doesn't want to be there. I don't know how I could ever believe that anyone would ever be on my side and is sure of it. Perhaps I am desperate, for all that I want. But I don't dare to these days, yet I still do. If someone asks to leave, I'll be the one opening the door. Not that I don't want you, I either can't stop you or is making peace in my head with the fact that people need to do what they need to do or that I'm assuming they don't want to be there. Some days it triggers something in me and I realise that it's me people shouldn't be with. Later on comes the strongest urge to back away and leave everyone be, thinking this place isn't for me.

Yet I don't want you to think I don't love you,

when I can't even bring myself to love anyone else.

-riri-

ocean blue.

I never thought I would ever find the person I could be sad with, alone, but together - up till I met him. I know that the deeper we get, the scarier the obstacles may be and expectations are express tickets to dejection. However, things never felt so calm yet even in silence, it is when with him. He is so precious, often than not I am left speechless with a mind as blank as paper. Like a restart or that feeling when you're stuck. What you can't fully comprehend but it isn't needed to when deep inside you know that this is the answers to your previous doubts and questions. I am petrified whenever I let myself think about it. Being here before, anything could happen. Nevertheless I've never been so safe. It might be too early to say but he's everything I never thought I deserve, what I only ever imagined being with, never really believed I would get to be with.

Then again sometimes I think of ways I could possibly ruin it, 

with hopes that he doesn't' leave me.

-riri-

for the sake of all that's left.

Suddenly I was brought back to when we first met.

How he looked back then versus the looks in his eyes today-

Everyone thinks I'm still hook on that but in all honesty I've never been so at awe at the transition of how it all came to be. Despite everything happening directly to me, I've been feeling as if I have been watching it all occurring to someone else up from above- disconnected regardless of every connection. This all means beyond much to me, more than words could possibly explain, the things only known when felt. I hope he understands, that this could take awhile to. He doesn't know what he really is to me. All I see are all the possibilities I am afraid to receive but I am trying. Pulling out all the stops to still have everyone here, before I forget that I need to be too. Slowly spiralling out of my mind, my old house is calling. I miss home but I've lost touch with it. Hoping I don't go back to where I was now that I have more. But I'm too occupied with all that I don't know.

-riri-

mobile.

Being left and seeing people leave hasn't gotten any easier.

Even when he always comes back.

It is what it is when your home isn't a house and your house has never been home. I hate Mondays that feel like lonely Sundays, when everyone's at home but it feels like no one is. Waking up to someone getting ready to go or waking up early to be the one to, every step heavier- don't think about it. I thought about it and each time it all goes back to me. My head it argues in silent, every conclusion the same; how I was never meant for this. I should be on my own but no one ever made it felt like I exist in my own skin until I met him. I'd blame how I was raised but he brings every vulnerability in me out. I still get teary but my home should be where I am and I'm to stay behind. Don't ask, I wouldn't answer. Every word is a lump in my throat set to trigger every tear I hold in. Though I know my eyes are loud enough to pierce through him.

Body stone cold, inside I'm blazing. 

Don't go but I want you to.

-riri-

blank space.

It's always when no one is there,
that you need someone the most.

-riri-

close to the edge.

I leave my phone on in case anybody ever needs me.

However no one ever does.

I didn't think it would get to this. Improved person, new problems. Or perhaps same person, more trouble. I let in Dobby before I got caught up looking at the tiny circles of chemicals in front of me. I remember how it was. Counting pills, mixing types, my head isn't right, Dobby is meowing louder now. I thought, no, wait. Sitting down, I remembered Sierra. Where is the knife, where is the past, where is everything I used to keep me calm and at bay? Lets get back there, lets walk through memory lane, taking everything back like it never once left. What didn't kill you, made it hard for you to drink. My throat can't take it but the last time I said I wouldn't, I drank so much my body despised me for it. I guess my mum was right, about me being wrong.

But ma, I was so alone.

-riri-

the beach.

"Bawaku ke pantai
Kosongkan kepala sambil bersantai

Mengira bintang dari pasir putih"

I was looking up searching for the moon, there was not even a star in sight. Was told to prepare for the rain- but then he came. We moved closer to the beach, blankets on the sand, music played on speaker, we had cigarettes and took hits. We had each other and the stars became more apparent, this seemed almost dream like. This should be perfect. But I wasn't. Everyone was in the mood, the vibe was good but I was lost looking up in the sky asking myself why I act the way I do and how it got me feeling what I felt. I couldn't explain when he asked. I felt like sinking into the sand or knocking myself dead. Suddenly I feel sick, to be the one to think of death when everything's beautiful- I was around joyful people laughing, talking or dancing but all I did was lie down.

I didn't want to go back, I knew I still had time and that this was that moment to live the way I did. Inexplicably I couldn't. He was sunshine in the night sky trying to bring me back to earth but I was stuck. I felt like crying. I was too irritated with myself, I felt paralysed. It shouldn't have been this way but I was still there. He started dancing in a way I've never seen him done before. I was mind-blown and astounded. He was exhilarated and I thought he was amazing. I felt it. He was just, everything. While everyone else was cheering to it, I was lying down with my arms over my eyes. We were at the beach and I was a bitch. They were all enjoying themselves and that's all that I want for them even if I wasn't a part of it.

I was distant and out of place. Feeling left out, no one was at fault. I had my loved ones and I had him. He drove all the way from home to me and I had to feel alone in the midst of having fun, ruining everything for everyone. Sabotaging my own happiness like I never wanted it. I wish I had the right words to explain what went in mind but it wasn't anything at all. I felt like going home but my home was with me. Perhaps it was just what were to happen next, and I just didn't want to go yet. In my silence it felt like I wasn't even there with them despite having them with me. I forgot about the thin line that separates me from everyone else. I walk around in a glass box no one dares to touch as I try not to break. Abhorring the distance, I wish I was where they were too.

-riri-