you snooze you lose.

I see things go and end. I hope for and try to get and keep the things I want but often I end up just a few seconds late and it's no longer there anymore. Even when given a second chance to grab it, I can never afford to. It doesn't break my heart as it happens too much and constantly, but the disheartening ache is felt, for every time it does.

-riri-

dwell or speak.

There's a lot I think about
And much that crosses my mind
Some I never mentioned or got the chance to say
And so much more that never came out.

Like how I feel about him and the things I think of us, how I make sense of it all and create my own storyline or what I have in mind of what would come. And it doesn't make much sense if you hear it from me but I know nothing ever does which makes it just as real. And if I could I'd tell you it all, for every second or minute or day it crosses my mind I would tell you straight away if I could but things are no longer the same, it never would remain I thought. Life keeps going and the constant changes causing everyone else to follow the flow and decide on things without having another thought just because you're living life, doesn't exactly make it all good and I know it shouldn't be but for certain things, I thought maybe there was a limit. You don't just dive in, you test the waters. All these disjoined thoughts leaving in nothing but a blur image for me, confuse or rather disenchanted to hopelessly afloat. I despise knowing how I had so much to say and still have more on going, but I never once had the chance to say it all due to the fear of needing the perfect timing or right situation because it doesn't exist and now,

you can't take back the words you never said.

-riri-

find me she screamed.

Where?

They ask, for one more time;
where have you hid your faith.
As I looked up and wonder,
I answered:

In the child that I was once in
The one I was always with
That innocence I no longer feel
One that I have killed.

-riri-

urlbadman.

I was okay
maybe a minute ago
or two hours before
not now though.

I'd rather not be reminded of it, I don't check, I don't search, but it comes by to spite me. Maybe fate is just a big mean bully picking on kids half its size, leaving them hoping for days where it would spare them a bit of kindness, but it never. This is speaking over emotions then again, which makes it a selfish statement. Looking back you'd notice the amount of times fate had brought you upon happiness, and here we are cursing over its "mistakes". It's human nature I suppose but we always have the choice to try defy what was meant to be with prayers and so, but how far do we believe the things we say when our hearts are closed? Not quite sure, my heart has left the building as my faith stands on the verge of a cliff. People are so much and more but as much as they are foul. I lost myself in all of this. I can't explain to those whom I know won't understand and I don't expect them to ask or fathom such distraught thoughts. I already know what would be ask upon me, all the words they would speak of I've heard over and over again yet it doesn't help, it never does. Until I let it- I don't always do.

-riri-

-

"Doesn't it bother you, everyone looking at you, smoking?"
Worrying about what other people think won't make you happy.

"Does this make you happy?"
We all need something to hold on to.

-riri-

left a lie.

and so from the top of my voice
without a gasp of breath
I screamed your name
so fuck you anyway I'd say
then I left.

I left after admitting my hatred for you
I left after I knew what wasn't and was true
I left and lied
I lied when I said
I no longer love you.

-riri-

10.

I love you more than I love myself.

And although it is wrong,

I hope one day you would end to love yourself,

The way I can never love me.

The way I will always love you.

I do.

-riri-

to the person I lost once again.

I left in hopes you would chase after me,

Though I knew you would have never.

Instead I took a step back to run after you,

Never have I planned to look for another.

Not a better jock no, never someone new,

When all I have ever wanted was to be with you.

-riri-