it's just me.

Some days I feel like nothing makes sense with me even if it makes sense to me. I can never really get my point across when it comes to sharing what I have in mind, with anyone at all. I don't expect everyone to understand and I know that some tries to. When they believe they have it figured out, I know they do, however not with the things that I want them to. I can't make people see what I do. My mind works in ways that don't correspond with most and their head is not mine to know. How do I make people believe that I can feel the weight they carry without having to be in the same situation when I say I do- the way I can't stress enough how much I mean what I say even if I seem to move in the direction contrary to all I claim to know and believe in.

It's not like that, it's not like this, yes, no, both - my head doesn't go in one straight direction, as sure as I can be. It's all contradictory and I'm in peace with it surprisingly. Although there are moments where it seems unbelievable. I know what it's like- I'm never talking to just one. There is always another voice, sound, being, I believe to be roaming around nearby, creating wars inside of me. I'm not crazy, I'm not sane. I talk and it comes out as barks. Giving out my point of view of things and I'm mistaken for being antagonistic. I come off as a snob, at times ungrateful and I'm good still. I don't need to explain myself just because people have a problem with it. I've wasted too many breaths trying to change things, wanting to be understood just for people's own convenience too. I'm often speechless in the end. I keep repeating the same words wishfully thinking that perhaps one day, someone sees it the way I do.

I believe if they ever do, they can finally see how I was never here to be right- I'm only here for the insights. I am not one to stick around for long. It's not my place to belong yet it's not that alone, is all I longed for. It is nice to know that to someone, you aren't anyone but you, in ways that you are not at all odd or disdained. I just want to talk a bit, sometimes too much. So listen if  you may, because no one really does. I only ask for what I am able to give in return. Stingy with time, for some it's all I willingly give. Full of questions, I always sound so skeptical. I'm allowed to be careful, most people omit to with me. Often misunderstood, I'm not one eager to argue or fight. My mistake is whenever I try to make things right. I go in too deep for the truth, reminding myself how I'm just trying to be honest, watching it all backfire more often than not.

It's a whole long journey and no one wants to stay till the end to know. People receive incomplete puzzles as I gain a new collection of all that is unsaid. I'm not saying you have to stay, far from implying how much everyone is itching to go away. As much as I forget, I remember more than anyone wants me to. I am responsible over myself for everything anyone has ever left me with to carry on my own. Just because I talk about being alone doesn't mean that I'm asking you to go. Each time I'm reminded by how it is for me to be where I was, believing all this is what I deserve, I so desperately hope that for once, someone knows; that somebody hears it too, the ear-splitting cries in all this silence. Everyones' so loud I sometimes neglect my own.

It gets lonelier being where you feel most at home, yet knowing you are not to them what they are to you. I don't always have the right words to say it exactly as it is enough to possibly be easy to grasp but believe in me, I know most people don't. I know they are not obliged to. So what is the value of trust to a person if it is so painless to break despite being the most difficult to gain? I'm never right wherever I go as long as my intentions are unknown. I guess it's never enough to give it your all. Naked and vulnerable. I don't need the whole world to acknowledge my existence or who I am as a person. I just want him to know, so I don't find the need to go. I'm never anywhere else than where he is if he is, with me. 

Even with the distance and long pauses, I've never took a step further from the only thing I want most; what I know he believes in too though for the time being, unknown. I wish he knew what it means when I tell him I am alone. I always am when he is gone. I don't mean for it to be literal. I don't how to tell him that everyone has and wants him without making anyone misunderstand. With a lot on his plate, I take the most space. He has seen me furious and I have had my fair share of anger. Nevertheless, I have never really been mad at him. If I were able I would change everything before it even gets to where it is now just so he doesn't have to feel what he does, but I can't even make him see what I'm trying to be.

In the end I'm brought back to where I am. Uninterested, alone. How could you blame me? I was never a fan of people and their crowds. I'm not meant to stay anywhere for too long. However despite all that is said, with him comes a point where I don't care at all. For everything that infuriates or devastates me, I tend to put aside or let go. At the end I still believe the things I do, that I deny, because with him nothing yet is as excruciating as not having him around or to know that he has it all wrong. I wasn't lying when I spoke of us. Even when I do, I don't care about this as much as I care about him. Is it that hard to believe? That I've got nothing more than all I give.

-riri-

no grass is greener on the other side.

In my head I saw what I so strongly felt.

I said all that I knew, surprised-

I never thought it would be you.

Feeling his presence; you are 'it', as if you are him.

Broke down in tears, you don't understand what I mean.

I'm so broke it's whole to me. Isn't it clear already?

How all that you think I do, isn't at all for you. It's just me. 

I am with you as the person I am.

Who you let me become, whoever you believe could become of me.

It's not like that all, it's how you ask it to be.

Don't look where it's gone, I've never left you on your own.

-riri-

phoned, fucked, psycho ex, good luck.

I double triple quadruple text,
call a hundred thousand times
and barely ever get the same back.

What's the point of wanting something so bad,
if it doesn't want to be there?

-riri-

No one's fault but my own,

head too far up in the clouds,

I kept on believing I had a place where I was not found.

Denying myself, it's me that wants you here.

Some days I wish you heard.

down under.

Voice a bit raised, I've been here before.

What it's like and what's next if not the things I abhor.

Lost for words, I felt my heart dropped to the floor. I shut down - dead inside. Everything crumbling and dispersing into dust; unable to mouthed a word, I couldn't bring myself to explain what it all is or means. I started seeing myself the way everyone does, in my head. I was supposed to be safe here. I found home, remember? I didn't feel alone, I felt like a waste. I loathe the part where just like that, I'm reminded of how I was never meant for anyone. This world of mine, this state of mind, all alone for me and I.

I tell myself that it's different this time, I believe it too. He's not everyone else and I know that applies to those before him but it's not about them anymore. We're not what I've ever been in. I trust him. He is love, he is mine. I know he is. I know he knows. Even when I'm never right. This isn't meant for me for how I am completely undeserving of it. However my demons, they get chaotic, manic and he's the only one that has ever managed to keep them at bay. Some days vehement, malicious yet still, in the end tranquillised. Until I remembered what was asked-

I know things might never seem right, we're a mess and I'm more than less neurotic. To be honest I've forgotten the point of writing this at all. I could say that everything will be okay, though we all know how nothing's really meant to go our way. I'm wrong everywhere and all that I say only exhibits contradiction. In spite of that, looking back to these previous months, I would have never imagined or was even able to comprehend or make myself believe that there would be a day where I would meet the person that could possibly make 'today' feels like now and not forever lasting. That my yesterdays are the past that no longer lingers at the back of my mind like a raging headache, even if it has become a part of who I am; He opens my eyes to a future I have no clue of, he gives me reasons when I've lost every sense of dedication.

Outright terrified then again I have my whole heart in this. I wouldn't want in if I was planning to let it all go so easily. I've lost way too many times to this, nonetheless he is my everything. I am unfailingly blown away by him, eager to be in his presence, some days I wish I was better. My love, he means no harm. Although some moments I forget. I now have the world in arms reach, undeserving still, what could I possibly ask for more? I try not to get overexcited, aware of how much it aches to have it all taken away. Too tired of looking back to when we weren't, grateful enough that we are, I just hope out of all people, he would stay.

Yet I understand if he doesn't.

-riri-

furious not fast.

First pill down, this warmth was once home.

Second pill now, oh wow the flashback.

Third pill, I wish I could just swallow them all.

Fourth pill, I'm more aware of how this is less than enough.

Fifth pill, Momento Mori - Crywank is playing in the background.

Sixth pill, this seems much easier than before.

Seventh pill, I'm with myself again.

Eight pill, I don't respond well to anger.

Ninth, I shouldn't have told.

Tenth, I deserve to be alone.

-riri-

kari to my chapati.

1/5

When all is bland, he is the heat that burns.

Toned down, still there. Out of sight, still felt.

-riri-

the me in us.

20/4

-If you ask me I'll tell, even if it takes awhile.

Whatever happened, happened. However at this point sometimes I wish it hadn't. I guess whoever meets me later on just has to bear with the baggage I carry. It's funny how as time passes by, it looks as if it's so easy but we all know almost nothing is as it seems.

Some moments I can't help myself from tearing up or crying all together from looking at him. It's always difficult to balance the state of my mind, the trauma and after affect of what you've been put through, to think rationally and to use your senses when your insanity is triggered and to still be able to be true to who you are without getting anyone involved or hurt because of you.

Some days I still find myself denying everything thinking I know better. The thing is, what we tend to forget is the fact that at times no matter how prepared, if something were to happen it will and that either way, everything was meant to. I know that we know, yet we can't help but to feel what we feel. We can't always help ourselves. And I'm still hard on myself.

I hear promises a lot. They leave me as empty as they are at the end of each day. I know better than to put my hopes high, but I've always put so much trust in everyone I've been with. When all is in disarray I know it all goes back to me. What do I expect? It got to a point where I believed that was just how it was. That's how guys are. I stopped getting so surprised. My mistake was getting too complacent the last time. I thought he meant what he said. I see potential in everyone I get close to, thinking they could be different the way we all do.

Soon I barely took anything to heart. I listened but never believed anything enough to have had my hopes up high. I don't talk about the future as if it will be, I live each day as if yesterday never existed and tomorrow isn't any of my business. I never seemed to look serious enough to others. In their eyes, I was always playing even if I never was. But I've heard every sad story, every meaningless promise, every pick up line, every "I'm sorry, I won't do it again"- has it not yet been obvious how petrified I've become?

I used to get so jealous over all the girls my ex(s) used to check out. To all those who feels the pain of being the type almost never interested with the opposite gender and your loved one is drooling over everyone else. I tried looking at it from their perspective, made it clear that I could do the same without the intentions to spite anyone. I'll accept what I deserve when I know I could give more if I were given the chance to. These days I don't let myself think about it, I don't want to think about it. I come off as uninterested because of it. Truth be told I don't ever want to cause a scene. I know that each time I feel, I tend to.

I avoid crowds, I avoid thoughts of girls around my guy or anything related to it. I block everything out when I notice it slowly sinking in. I don't think about how anyone sees me or whether or not they like what they see. I make it to remind myself that it is none of my business. I don't want to hear what I lack, I'm aware of everything I don't have. You don't have to mention it, I overthink out of insecurities. I don't let myself do this anymore. I tell myself I can't be a psycho. I find it sad to say, everything has led me to believing that in fact, I am.

I know how it's like to beg for what doesn't want to be there. I don't know how I could ever believe that anyone would ever be on my side and is sure of it. Perhaps I am desperate, for all that I want. But I don't dare to these days, yet I still do. If someone asks to leave, I'll be the one opening the door. Not that I don't want you, I either can't stop you or is making peace in my head with the fact that people need to do what they need to do or that I'm assuming they don't want to be there. Some days it triggers something in me and I realise that it's me people shouldn't be with. Later on comes the strongest urge to back away and leave everyone be, thinking this place isn't for me.

Yet I don't want you to think I don't love you,

when I can't even bring myself to love anyone else.

-riri-

ocean blue.

I never thought I would ever find the person I could be sad with, alone, but together - up till I met him. I know that the deeper we get, the scarier the obstacles may be and expectations are express tickets to dejection. However, things never felt so calm yet even in silence, it is when with him. He is so precious, often than not I am left speechless with a mind as blank as paper. Like a restart or that feeling when you're stuck. What you can't fully comprehend but it isn't needed to when deep inside you know that this is the answers to your previous doubts and questions. I am petrified whenever I let myself think about it. Being here before, anything could happen. Nevertheless I've never been so safe. It might be too early to say but he's everything I never thought I deserve, what I only ever imagined being with, never really believed I would get to be with.

Then again sometimes I think of ways I could possibly ruin it, 

with hopes that he doesn't' leave me.

-riri-