phoned, fucked, psycho ex, good luck.

I double triple quadruple text,
call a hundred thousand times
and barely ever get the same back.

What's the point of wanting something so bad,
if it doesn't want to be there?

-riri-

No one's fault but my own,

head too far up in the clouds,

I kept on believing I had a place where I was not found.

Denying myself, it's me that wants you here.

Some days I wish you heard.

down under.

Voice a bit raised, I've been here before.

What it's like and what's next if not the things I abhor.

Lost for words, I felt my heart dropped to the floor. I shut down - dead inside. Everything crumbling and dispersing into dust; unable to mouthed a word, I couldn't bring myself to explain what it all is or means. I started seeing myself the way everyone does, in my head. I was supposed to be safe here. I found home, remember? I didn't feel alone, I felt like a waste. I loathe the part where just like that, I'm reminded of how I was never meant for anyone. This world of mine, this state of mind, all alone for me and I.

I tell myself that it's different this time, I believe it too. He's not everyone else and I know that applies to those before him but it's not about them anymore. We're not what I've ever been in. I trust him. He is love, he is mine. I know he is. I know he knows. Even when I'm never right. This isn't meant for me for how I am completely undeserving of it. However my demons, they get chaotic, manic and he's the only one that has ever managed to keep them at bay. Some days vehement, malicious yet still, in the end tranquillised. Until I remembered what was asked-

I know things might never seem right, we're a mess and I'm more than less neurotic. To be honest I've forgotten the point of writing this at all. I could say that everything will be okay, though we all know how nothing's really meant to go our way. I'm wrong everywhere and all that I say only exhibits contradiction. In spite of that, looking back to these previous months, I would have never imagined or was even able to comprehend or make myself believe that there would be a day where I would meet the person that could possibly make 'today' feels like now and not forever lasting. That my yesterdays are the past that no longer lingers at the back of my mind like a raging headache, even if it has become a part of who I am; He opens my eyes to a future I have no clue of, he gives me reasons when I've lost every sense of dedication.

Outright terrified then again I have my whole heart in this. I wouldn't want in if I was planning to let it all go so easily. I've lost way too many times to this, nonetheless he is my everything. I am unfailingly blown away by him, eager to be in his presence, some days I wish I was better. My love, he means no harm. Although some moments I forget. I now have the world in arms reach, undeserving still, what could I possibly ask for more? I try not to get overexcited, aware of how much it aches to have it all taken away. Too tired of looking back to when we weren't, grateful enough that we are, I just hope out of all people, he would stay.

Yet I understand if he doesn't.

-riri-

furious not fast.

First pill down, this warmth was once home.

Second pill now, oh wow the flashback.

Third pill, I wish I could just swallow them all.

Fourth pill, I'm more aware of how this is less than enough.

Fifth pill, Momento Mori - Crywank is playing in the background.

Sixth pill, this seems much easier than before.

Seventh pill, I'm with myself again.

Eight pill, I don't respond well to anger.

Ninth, I shouldn't have told.

Tenth, I deserve to be alone.

-riri-

kari to my chapati.

1/5

When all is bland, he is the heat that burns.

Toned down, still there. Out of sight, still felt.

-riri-

the me in us.

20/4

-If you ask me I'll tell, even if it takes awhile.

Whatever happened, happened. However at this point sometimes I wish it hadn't. I guess whoever meets me later on just has to bear with the baggage I carry. It's funny how as time passes by, it looks as if it's so easy but we all know almost nothing is as it seems.

Some moments I can't help myself from tearing up or crying all together from looking at him. It's always difficult to balance the state of my mind, the trauma and after affect of what you've been put through, to think rationally and to use your senses when your insanity is triggered and to still be able to be true to who you are without getting anyone involved or hurt because of you.

Some days I still find myself denying everything thinking I know better. The thing is, what we tend to forget is the fact that at times no matter how prepared, if something were to happen it will and that either way, everything was meant to. I know that we know, yet we can't help but to feel what we feel. We can't always help ourselves. And I'm still hard on myself.

I hear promises a lot. They leave me as empty as they are at the end of each day. I know better than to put my hopes high, but I've always put so much trust in everyone I've been with. When all is in disarray I know it all goes back to me. What do I expect? It got to a point where I believed that was just how it was. That's how guys are. I stopped getting so surprised. My mistake was getting too complacent the last time. I thought he meant what he said. I see potential in everyone I get close to, thinking they could be different the way we all do.

Soon I barely took anything to heart. I listened but never believed anything enough to have had my hopes up high. I don't talk about the future as if it will be, I live each day as if yesterday never existed and tomorrow isn't any of my business. I never seemed to look serious enough to others. In their eyes, I was always playing even if I never was. But I've heard every sad story, every meaningless promise, every pick up line, every "I'm sorry, I won't do it again"- has it not yet been obvious how petrified I've become?

I used to get so jealous over all the girls my ex(s) used to check out. To all those who feels the pain of being the type almost never interested with the opposite gender and your loved one is drooling over everyone else. I tried looking at it from their perspective, made it clear that I could do the same without the intentions to spite anyone. I'll accept what I deserve when I know I could give more if I were given the chance to. These days I don't let myself think about it, I don't want to think about it. I come off as uninterested because of it. Truth be told I don't ever want to cause a scene. I know that each time I feel, I tend to.

I avoid crowds, I avoid thoughts of girls around my guy or anything related to it. I block everything out when I notice it slowly sinking in. I don't think about how anyone sees me or whether or not they like what they see. I make it to remind myself that it is none of my business. I don't want to hear what I lack, I'm aware of everything I don't have. You don't have to mention it, I overthink out of insecurities. I don't let myself do this anymore. I tell myself I can't be a psycho. I find it sad to say, everything has led me to believing that in fact, I am.

I know how it's like to beg for what doesn't want to be there. I don't know how I could ever believe that anyone would ever be on my side and is sure of it. Perhaps I am desperate, for all that I want. But I don't dare to these days, yet I still do. If someone asks to leave, I'll be the one opening the door. Not that I don't want you, I either can't stop you or is making peace in my head with the fact that people need to do what they need to do or that I'm assuming they don't want to be there. Some days it triggers something in me and I realise that it's me people shouldn't be with. Later on comes the strongest urge to back away and leave everyone be, thinking this place isn't for me.

Yet I don't want you to think I don't love you,

when I can't even bring myself to love anyone else.

-riri-

ocean blue.

I never thought I would ever find the person I could be sad with, alone, but together - up till I met him. I know that the deeper we get, the scarier the obstacles may be and expectations are express tickets to dejection. However, things never felt so calm yet even in silence, it is when with him. He is so precious, often than not I am left speechless with a mind as blank as paper. Like a restart or that feeling when you're stuck. What you can't fully comprehend but it isn't needed to when deep inside you know that this is the answers to your previous doubts and questions. I am petrified whenever I let myself think about it. Being here before, anything could happen. Nevertheless I've never been so safe. It might be too early to say but he's everything I never thought I deserve, what I only ever imagined being with, never really believed I would get to be with.

Then again sometimes I think of ways I could possibly ruin it, 

with hopes that he doesn't' leave me.

-riri-

for the sake of all that's left.

Suddenly I was brought back to when we first met.

How he looked back then versus the looks in his eyes today-

Everyone thinks I'm still hook on that but in all honesty I've never been so at awe at the transition of how it all came to be. Despite everything happening directly to me, I've been feeling as if I have been watching it all occurring to someone else up from above- disconnected regardless of every connection. This all means beyond much to me, more than words could possibly explain, the things only known when felt. I hope he understands, that this could take awhile to. He doesn't know what he really is to me. All I see are all the possibilities I am afraid to receive but I am trying. Pulling out all the stops to still have everyone here, before I forget that I need to be too. Slowly spiralling out of my mind, my old house is calling. I miss home but I've lost touch with it. Hoping I don't go back to where I was now that I have more. But I'm too occupied with all that I don't know.

-riri-

mobile.

Being left and seeing people leave hasn't gotten any easier.

Even when he always comes back.

It is what it is when your home isn't a house and your house has never been home. I hate Mondays that feel like lonely Sundays, when everyone's at home but it feels like no one is. Waking up to someone getting ready to go or waking up early to be the one to, every step heavier- don't think about it. I thought about it and each time it all goes back to me. My head it argues in silent, every conclusion the same; how I was never meant for this. I should be on my own but no one ever made it felt like I exist in my own skin until I met him. I'd blame how I was raised but he brings every vulnerability in me out. I still get teary but my home should be where I am and I'm to stay behind. Don't ask, I wouldn't answer. Every word is a lump in my throat set to trigger every tear I hold in. Though I know my eyes are loud enough to pierce through him.

Body stone cold, inside I'm blazing. 

Don't go but I want you to.

-riri-