sup doc.

Um so uh um hello.

Yea it's me. Alright I guess.

So yeah.

*laughs*
I know what she'd ask,

what she'd expect.

Um so uh how do you put this.

Like yknow when um, you want to go back?

Back where she'd ask.

Back, like yknow back to the illness.

Home- back to the sadness.

I can't take the one looking right back at me in the mirror.

I noticed everything, everywhere and it's driving me insane.

So um like yeah, I gotta go like I'm not dead enough to go.

I hate it, I hate this, I, I, I wanna shed all this fa-

I gotta be tiny again, I've to feel cold and every inch of my bones.

I can't swallow these things no more.

I need to feel every slash against my arms.

I need to see things bleed and all the scars that reminds me of it.

My head hurts, I want to quit my job.

God I love my job but I can't do this.

I can't take what's in my head, I can't take the repulsion towards myself.

Um so, uh, dr. how is it going to be now?

I think this is my last 150 for now, see you in a few months.

See you when I've got cash. See you when I see you.

Or maybe not at all.

-riri-

losing touch.

Each day much more than the memories I once held to, vanishes into the back of my mind. Now out of it. Most of what I had of him is fading immensely. Tell me our tales, remind me of him so I don't forget. Then again- it's almost too late.

-riri-

take your places.

And I can tell you that my mum's happy when she sings. 

Then life comes around, slaps her across the face. She goes silent for awhile. 

Sometimes not at all. But we all know in these moments,

that we're all at fault.

-riri-

a different love.

Never love until you are loved, never fall until he is sure. 

Just remember this time, let him be yours.

-riri-

been awhile.

Now there it is, there's the riri I know. There's the riri I'm used to. One I was comfortable being despite the abhorrence for it. Now there you are ri, I've missed you. Your thoughts, all the fucked up pieces of you, your fragile, vulnerable, miserable, insane, alone, lonely, self, head, nights, never day. No never. This sickness- you are sick ri. Yet you are fine.

And I still miss you.

I miss you all the time.

-riri-

fambam bang bang.

Family's family.
Family's no longer we.
Though we still pretend to be.

It's okay to cheat.
Act as if that they don't already see.
At the end of the day we've nobody.

-riri-

so, uh, no thanks.

And well, what if I want us to end?
Because I know where this leads us to.
And who'll leave who.

-riri-

mark you.

I always will.

I'll come around or make you believe you did,
I'll hang around or make you stay over your own will,
I'll smile and laugh and make you feel a certain way,
or perhaps you will,
and I die.

We always will.

You'll come and you go or I'll cut all ties,
you'll go and you come and I'll let you in,
you stay and I leave, this time I win,
this time no you and me,
just you,
and there's,
well, me.

I might forget soon,
but you'll remember me,
I swear you would.

I promise you.

-riri-