between me and i.

Some things never change.

Perhaps.

Then again.

Still is.

Sober or high,

It has always been you.

-riri-

miss me one day.

There's always those moments when I think of him and get the urge to start up a conversation. I would know that every time, it was me missing him and each time I would remind myself to let it go. That he wanted to go. If he didn't he wouldn't have went. I tell myself each time, it would be better for him this way. He wanted it like this. No matter how many times I wanted to believe otherwise. Still nobody gets what he was to me. Guess so did he.

-riri-

back again.

Once beyond petrified of being seen crazy to everybody else, 

knowing that I was going insane with myself that I-

And I got back up despite the amount of times I wanted to relapse because I never really had a choice. I can never let myself rest in peace. Even in the calm, my head is still me. My past is still mean and the voices are banging behind the doors I have locked, which keys I have swallowed to avoid these sort of things. Then again we already know you can never really leave what you are.

It is what makes you. 

Now trying to break me.

-riri-

home.

Home was holidays with aci.

Home was me pretending things weren't happening.

Home was home before I wrecked it.

Home was absent.

Home so lonely.

Home was cold.

Home is empty.

Home is alive, often moving around.

Home isn't a place, a house isn't home.

Home is anywhere I end up at, anyone I come across.

Home is where the love is, and where it soon ends.

"Go home" they would tell me.

Not knowing home isn't mine to keep.

"Home" does not exist with me.

Home is lost to me.

-riri-

more than a touch.

There's something about it; holding hands, giving or receiving hugs, the sincere human touch. It's just a sudden thought, a sudden realisation looking back at these past few months, weeks perhaps. There's a difference in how it makes you feel, according to when or who's doing it with you. Nobody's the same. You don't just hold someone's hand or let just anyone hug you. Still I've my moments.

Not to forget- presence. Lately it's been hitting me how vital human touch is to me. I've been going on with so little human contact in the past few years and in those months of illness especially, that picking myself back up and getting stable, feeling human again, is causing me to crave so much of that. Going back to the two years where I did have it all doesn't make it any better either.

There's something about the hugs I got when I was breaking down or the hand that held me and mine when I was petrified and out of my head, these moments, these people, they've been more than amazing. The nights where they had to sacrifice sleep to take care of me or the times where they stayed despite the uncomfortable circumstances and the backache from it. Cherishing all I've got before it goes.

Hoping that someday something stays. 

Despite believing nothing will. 

I can't take another touch n go.

I'm sick of getting touched that way.

-riri-

peekaboo, I've seen you.

Is this the part where everything dies?
Start over, find new people, do things differently.

Amusing and predicted. I don't really bother keeping people since I-don't-know-or-fucking-want-to-bother-at-the-moment but when I do, I do. Like every other time, soon something happens, all is lost, I'm left alone, encounter someone new, something fresh, something old, something interesting, just to go through it all again to get back to this. Things can only last so long before it goes back to how it was, how it wasn't there to begin with. Optimism helps for awhile but you've to face the music whether or not you're ready for it.

Old thoughts creeping back in, this is exactly why I cut people off. It's not as easy as it seems to get to this state, to stay sane and not give in to the demons in my head, the anxiousness, the trauma, the flashbacks, all I've been ignoring and blocking to forget. People still don't get it. I go through shit, refrain myself from going back to what I was, what I have the strongest urge to becoming, just to be triggered at the most execrable moment and be reminded of the things I've been told way too many times before to the point of abhorrence towards myself, and to be dragged to where I was when I was the utmost fragile, vulnerable and fucked, has me wondering, who's even there or wants to be when most of them are no different than who they said they weren't or promised to not become.

Despite acknowledging the fact that nobody knows, I wonder why I still get surprise when I'm proven right. I can't seem to find the answers to why no matter how many times it has happen there always seem to be a point in the duration of knowing a person where I genuinely believe in them, thinking that they might just be different although deep in my heart I know that nobody ever is for as long as it's with me. It's never really them now is it, it has only ever been me. I think it's time to go back to the home I've lost but I can't seem to find it no more so I guess I'll just get lost. Besides, it's not like I have ever belonged.

Every stop, stops becoming home.

-riri-

and so he stays.

Said things are bound to end at a point, he tells me it only ends if we want it to. 

His rational reasonable sense has been keeping my head up these days. 

It annoys you but you know it's right. You know he's right.

-riri-

a week, almost.

And this time I want to remember.

Wednesday
25 May 2016

Last night's confusion left me anxious and drained, it was difficult to sleep despite the exhaustion and when I did- waking up, I couldn't continue. I kept seeing horrifying things, I got too afraid to let myself sleep. Sick of the sudden and constant perturbance, I stayed awake. Restless waiting for nick, I kept checking the time and the door trying to stay calm. 9:57 a.m, "I'll be there by 10". He drove here, god he's so excited for his car still, I'm so happy for him.

Suddenly it was all blank and calm, I didn't even realised or noticed when I fell asleep till I opened my eyes to Nick beside me about an hour or two later. Talking to my mum I wonder how he's even here. We both said hi coincidentally at the same time and let out a laugh over it. With work later on, and leftover fatigue from accompanying me yesterday, I felt sorry for him. What a life to be encountering me in his. I haven't had the appetite, I wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for my brother and him. "Jap lagi you eat with me tau." "Okay.." "Eat with me, janji" I nodded. 

I like Nick, he's such a good distraction. "Lets look at it like this babe, it wasn't a misscall but wrong number"- There's this thing about Nick where he sometimes reminds me of a person I knew. In a lot of ways really, but then again it's never the same. His replies sound like he doesn't get it to me, like my dad's, it irritates me but Nick is different. If I put enough thought to it, he only just wants me to be strong and get better. That's Nick for you, he can never be yours but he'll make you own you.

"You know what, karang I'm going to tell She to put us in the same shift."

Tuesday
24 May 2016

Less than an hour of sleep and more hours of staying awake to keep me present. Cancelled our plans for KL, too tired for shit but I still couldn't be left alone. Nick needed to go back within a couple of hours, he's finally getting his car today. I was too scared to let go or fall asleep. He's been telling me I needed rest and convincing me how it will get better with sleep. His eyes almost dead, this isn't supposed to happen. "I'll sleep kat hostel nanti" didn't make it any better. I was relieved the moment he finally decided to go with me. Then, it was better- until I woke up. I couldn't take being left home, I suffocated, got frustrated at the thought of being alone. 

I couldn't stay still, my head empty but I'm losing composure. "Nick are you free today? Ikut I jom" "Pergi mana?" "IOI" "Are you going to watch a movie? Sebab I serious penat gila." "No, I don't think so, just jalan." I can't understand it myself how hard yet easy it is to just talk to Nick, or how safe it feels to have him around. Calm and at home, I sometimes wish his hands weren't to let go off. Nick could be hurtful intentionally or I could just be overly sensitive with him, but he keeps me at bay. Even so, he gets me laughing. He makes me forget. Until it's time to go.

I noticed people staring over me crying. "You've to stay strong for you. Forget everything else at the moment, we just have to get through. Trust me, I promise you I'm going to find a way." My mum also mentioned my grandma dreaming of Nick, "Jodoh ma, lepas ni Nick jadi muslim pula."

Isn't that something to laugh about.

Monday
23 May 2016

I wasn't feeling like myself, I was floating on air despite my feet glued to the ground. Head in this world, don't go there I thought, not knowing where "there" is to begin with. I almost cut myself, fell in the toilet and couldn't remember what I was just doing, said or when was it that I got to where I was. I wanted to go home, I was on the verge of crying, I couldn't understand what was happening. Looking into the mirror every chance I got, checking if my eyes were red though I was sure it wouldn't be but the doubt was starting to creep into me. Check the time, counting my hours, I was petrified.

Walking towards the car I saw from the corner of my eye what seemed so familiar, a lengthy body and that familiar way of standing- "Ririii", it took a few seconds to digest the fact that it was Nick. I was so overwhelmed and ecstatic I went straight to him for a hug, boggled of how he came, why or when to find out that my brother had picked him up from uni just to see me, concerned. Broke down bloody scared on the way back, it was so sudden and without warning, I held Nick's hand as if something was going to pull me away. They both consoled me, calmed me, was there basically. It's odd, to be where I was and felt what I felt. It seems surreal to me, to have someone there in such a state.

IOI to BJ to Putra Heights and back home again, I've never really went out this way but it feels calmer than going back. Every place further away feels better when you're with the right person. I think they're starting to understand it better now, or at least trust my brother with me. It's not like we do shit, sometimes it's just all that I need. I'm starting to feel the suffocation once again, I want out but it's crazy really how at the same time it's wrong to. Well, I've never been right.

From Mcd to BJ's 7e, despite my wandering mind I had my feet firm on the ground with my brother , Yusman and Nick around. I still space out from time to time when left by myself. Then again there was Nick with me, being a doofus, at times a dingus, being a pain in the ass and cares at the same time. Here's the thing about Nick: no matter how much you think he can't, he will always, in a way or another without even trying so hard, get your attention.

Or perhaps it's just me.

Sunday
22 May 2016

All I could remember was Nick telling me how I told him last night that it would be nice if we got married before we rushed down the escalator, called my brother out, ran to the car and headed to Sri Hartamas. Sometimes things happen so fast and unexpected. We waited in the car, talked, laughed, the usuals. There's something about these past nights that's a bit odd. I don't exactly feel like myself. For some reason either blunt or a bit too open. Either from the lack of rest, my tired eyes or starving stomach, all I know is it comes past midnight.

Talked about the past, love, relationship, family, friends, work, future plans or some random shit that crosses our minds. With everybody else, the lump in my throat stays or barely ever clears when I need it too but it somehow finds a way to with him. When it comes to people other than family, I know that they must legit mean something to me to be able to say things that could actually offend me. It's a sign that I actually give a shit of how they see me or what they like and dislike. For some inexplicable reason he's able to do so. God, the amount of times he pissed me off and had me laughing is ridiculous. How can someone so cold/distant get this close and sensitive or clingy again?

With all that was going on, thoughts started to overwhelm me; the angst of all that I have now slipping through my fingers, knowing that in time it would. Soon things are going to change and later on this will all fade into a distant memory. Would I let go this time? A few minutes of flashbacks from when I was sick, they met me while I'm better or at least seemed to be. Of course they're still here; I'm not yet as insane, desolated to the point of keeping myself in a state of segregation. I would miss this when I am, I'm going to miss this before it even ends.

So we went to my Maklong's, had milo and bahulu, calls each other kafir, sent my brother's friends back, started talking crap, lost touch with reality, had my head in the clouds (I was starting to become a bit bizarre by this point), I didn't really think straight, I said things I couldn't take back, I just remember wishing some nights never had to end, because for some reason I feel at peace and calmer to have him near. 

"Nick, all the things I said or asked you yesterday that you agreed on, did you mean what you said or did you just agreed because I was high?"

Saturday
21 May 2016

Smoke filled the car, I went out a bit unstable. Walk to the cashier Nas knew what was going on, I held a bit too long. "Apa ni?" I dismissed it by laughing and we went to the back and talked. I was out of my head. It took Nick awhile to realise what was going on. I remember sitting on the fitting room floor laughing my ass off about something. I remember him saying things I can't even recall. I was surprisingly silent most of the time there. 

In the car I couldn't shut up. Too close, too touchy, I said things I might have meant or shouldn't. I said things that would make me sad in the future, ask things with disheartening answers. Tho I felt safe and comfortable, with him there's always these moments. 

We were home by 6.